Cutting... it seems so unfair...?

Question

I cut yestserday... :'( I hadn't cut myself in over a YEAR... almost two! I'm trying not to get discouraged... but I was doing so well. I've read countless books and articles on the subject... I know why I do it and all of the things I can do to help myself NOT do it... but every once in a while, even though I'm "healed" (according to the people who know me but definitely DON'T understand self-injury) I still have that urge... that desire... that deep pain... that uncontrollable inner rage... will it ever go away? It's been 11 years since I first cut... the urges are still there... it just seems so unfair that the one thing that brings me peace causes tidal waves in the lives of the people around me... I've never felt any sort of stability except when I cut... but that is taken away from me... do people just not understand? Or is it REALLY that bad for me?!

(Okay, so I know it's unhealthy and blah blah blah... and I'm not going to like, relapse or anything... I just feel so frustrated. Cutting again for the first time in SO long reminded me of just how much better it makes me feel... sigh)

Answer 1

It sounds like you broke the habit of cutting, but didn't replace it with a better habit to relieve stress with. I'm not a cutter, but I'm an alcoholic, so I get what you're saying. We call it a "dry drunk," someone who quits drinking for a while, but could go back to it at the least little "push."

You need to find a different way to cope. It's easier than it sounds, I promise.

Instead of trying to control your life by cutting and deciding that pain is ok if you do it yourself, learn to control your MIND. Controlling your body is easy, it's a cheap way out and it doesn't help in the long run.

Meditate, learn self hypnosis, learn astral projection and lucid dreaming. Turn your brain from an enemy into your best friend. There's a million ways to do it, and they are all worth it.

Find Jesus, find Buddha. Become a scientologist for crying out loud, but don't just be another wasted bright girl who cuts.

Try this for 20 minutes a day for the next month.

Lay down in a quiet room, close your eyes, and take slow deep breaths. make each inhale and exhale last as long as you can.

First say to yourself "I feel my toes relaxing." and they will. Then say "I feel my ankles relaxing" and they will. Go all the way to the top of your head until you reach the top of your head.

Imagine that as you exhale that red smoke it blowing out your mouth as you exhale, taking away all the stress with it. As it goes out of you, you'll feel your body getting lighter.

Just lay there, calmly breathing, blowing out the stress, for about 20 minutes.

I have some "homework" for you. Read THE POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING by Norman Vincent Peale. It's a classic on how to stop worrying about things and start really living. Any library will have copies.

Look into meditation. MEDITATION FOR DUMMIES is quite good. If you need more pointers e-mail me. I'm pretty good at helping people learn to use their brain instead of allowing their brain to use them.

Answer 2

I understand... You are absolutely right. I am not going to tell you about the unhealthy aspects of it at all. Your question is if the urges ever go away... My answer is truthfully nope. In the back of your mind it will always be there. Sometimes it will be harder not to and sometimes, you will not even consider it an option. However, it will be a struggle for you because it is a learned behavior and it is instant relief.
It is true... people get very upset and concerned about self injury. It causes a lot of grief and not to mention embarrassment.
People do understand Hun... However, it is only because I have been there, and doing that too... And it was the same. It had gone away for years, then came back . It came back much worse then ever. It is not cutting either, however a very bad case of self injury.
It is bad for you, it is bad for anybody to engage in this behavior. You know that already. Do not think it is good to hurt yourself in order to feel better. It is unhealthy. I know it and so do you, but we do it anyway.

Answer 3

Ack...I hate that for you...

As a veteran of the disorder myself [[6 years]], I know what you're going through. It is not only a heartbreaking experience to go so long without cutting and then 'relapse', but one of 'new light' and fear-afraid to fall back to your old ways, but seenig how great it is to feel the 'healing' again, you can't help but want to.

What I suggest is to take the razors and everything you cut with [there are endless possibilities for tools, so you might as well baby-proof your house] and really try to relax and calm down. I know that this advice is not only cliche but the most stupid advice a cutter can be given, but once both my psychologist and psychiatrist told me to [and set it as my homework], I realized it can be rather helpful...esp. once yuo get the hang of it all.

Also-you have a Disorder-you're going to relapse. There's really, as I see it, no way of escaping it. You will, just as everyone else, have your good and bad days-you just handle everything differently.

A book that is REALLY helpful and also a great read is Cutting:Understand and Overcoming Self-Mutilation, which is written by Steven Levenkron. Also Cut, a fictional story, but a great read at that. There are many self-help books and material out there- and the way I see it, you can never get too much help.

I really hope I helped you and I wish you the best of luck. Though you miss the feeling of self-mutilation, seek the comfort of a new book or a nice bath, instead. Take your angry feelings out on a pillow [or an ex haha]. Don't get discouraged...I hope I helped and I wish you the soooo much luck!!!!!

*muah* ^_^

Answer 4

I remember I took a 5 year break and then I started cutting more than I ever had. Its basically when you let yourself get to a point where you feel bad enough that actually inflicting pain does feel better. You need to ask for help before you reach that point. It takes practice and remaining open however you will become stronger because of it. I know personally my therapist has helped me with this and its been hard as hell every step of the way but Id rather share that pain with someone than take it out on myself to get high. Find someone , a therapist, social worker, friend , sponsor someone you can trust so you can stop this cycle. I understand that inner rage and there are some days I want to act out on it but before I do that I let my doc know. There is stability outside of cutting it doesnt have to be an answer anymore. Ok . Def find someone to help.

Answer 5

I feel for you and have done the same thing. It is a form of self hatred, well at least that's how it is for me. It also is a way to release the inner pain by inflicting outer pain. I have done this periodically for a while. I also burned myself with cigarettes. I try to keep it to a minimum because of the scarring. I know that I feel better inside when I inflict pain on the outside. I kept this a secret for many years and when I did confess to close people, they got angry with me. My sister was one who was furious, but when her daughter started doing it, she had a little background info to try and help her daughter because of me explaining the reasoning behind this. You have done well to have not cut in so long. I think you just had a relapse-no different than an addict that uses substances to get high. I haven't cut in quite a long time and sometimes feel the need to, but push the thoughts away. I don't know how frequently you did this, but I didn't do it too much. I did when things were wrong in my life, like when my ex was heavily drinking. There are childhood sexual abuse issues in my life too. I am not going to tell you to get help. Only because that's all you will probably hear on answers and am sure you already know that. I would say hang in there and see what triggered this episode after so long not cutting. I understand how you feel and definitely am not in the position to lecture. Besides, you probably feel bad enough about yourself, you don't need us lecturing you. I say good for you for not cutting for so long and just get to the bottom of the trigger that caused you to do this after so long. Get back on the horse and keep trying to work out your issues so as to not do this at least a day at a time. I haven't done it since a promise I made to my sister. It is hard, but you can do it.

Answer 6

I also cut again last night after almost two months of not cutting. I haven't been dealing with this problem as long as you have, but I do know the feeling of having cut again after a period of not doing it (I had "stopped" two times before). There are other ways to feel stable and happy, at least that is what people always say.

You know what did help me for awhile though, (and still does minus last night) I recently started taking Tae Kwon Do classes and it is a very good distraction for me and helps me focus and feel more in control of what I am doing. Maybe you should do something like that, or just try doing anything that you've always wanted to do but never did.

Answer 7

I don't understand why others don't understand it either. I've been a cutter now for 7 years, and it helps me so much when I'm feeling detached from reality and need to punish myself for crying or when I need to gain some emotional release.

I stopped cutting, though, back in April of this year.... haven't done it since. Fortunately, I found someone who had been self-destructive at one point in his life and was very concerned about me. He told me on New Years that he loved me and that he didn't want to see me harm myself. When he had found out I had done it during the first months of our relationship, he grew distant and broke up with me. We got back together a couple weeks later, but his tough love approach really made me realise that I have no reason to cut and that I will definitely lose him if I do so again. I don't want to disappoint him, so I don't cut. Plus, he's shown me reasons to not do it.

I'm very sorry you're going through all this emotional pain that causes you to cut. I, personally, don't see anything wrong with it (other than it's awkward to explain scars and it scares your loved ones), but, the best you can do is try therapy, try medication (Cymbalta is awesome), or even try yoga or homeopathic medication. Best of luck!!!

Answer 8

It sounds like you have not gotten to the root of why you are cutting in the first place. You need treatment to get to the "deep pain" and the "inner rage". That is what you need to deal with in order for the urge to cut to go away. It sounds like all the time you didn't cut, it was there in the back of your mind and you were "white-knuckling" like people do with drugs or alcohol. And yes it really is that bad for you. Sometimes all it takes is for you to cough while cutting and you cut too deep. Most times cutters who end up committing suicide did it by accident. They were cutting and oops, they cut too deep. Get some help to get to the bottom of your pain. Then maybe it will go away.

Answer 9

hun,
i understand u r very frustrated right now and i kno that cutting is the only thing that seems to calm u when u r angry/sad/frustrated/depressed or so on. the best thing is to take one day at a time n slowly work for that two yr period again and just keep moving past it slowly. i cut for 6 yrs and i recently a week and a half ago i had a relapse again and i was clean 18 months.i was later very angry wit myself for havin that relapse after being so good for so long. im thinkin of going to therapy again. if u wanna talk im or email me. take care

Answer 10

Hi hon...

as a member of the mental health community on line for years now, and as a mentally ill person myself, i do understand a lot of what you are saying.

please, don't beat yourself up over this... move forward and be proud that you had not cut for a year. it seems to me that you are determined to stop.

if you need therapy, then by all means, get some. also, do a yahoo search on self-injury self help. loads of information out there for people who have the same issues.

take care and sending hugs.