Hope do you cope with the death of a loved one.?

Question

My grandma/mother(she raised me) died recently and I need some coping techniques. HELP! I am not taking it well.

Answer 1

My heart goes out to you. My spouse, my father AND his sister (my favorite aunt) all died within six months of one another. My spouse's death was unexpected. My father went in for back surgery and never recovered. My aunt was mentally gone but (we thought) strong as an ox. No matter when it comes, no matter how "prepared" you are, death SUCKS!!

Grief can make you feel like you are going crazy. It doesn't FEEL like it now but it IS temporary.

I found this information to be very helpful. Everyone grieves in his or her own way, but the folks at Hospice have had a lot of experience. I hope it helps you find a STARTING point to recovery.

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A Guide To Grief

Grief is a normal response to loss. It can be the loss of a home, job, marriage or a love one. Often the most painful loss is the death of a person you love, whether from a long illness or from an accident or an act of violence.

This guide will help you understand the grief you and others may feel after a death, whether sudden or anticipated. We hope this guide will help you realize that these feelings are not unusual and things can get better. You are not alone.

The Grieving Process
Grief is painful and at times the pain seems unbearable. It is a combination of many emotions that come and go, sometimes without warning. Grieving is the period during which we actively experience these emotions. How long and how difficult the grieving period is depends on the relationship with the person who dies, the circumstances of the death, and the situation of the survivors. The length of time people grieve can be weeks, months, and even years. One thing is certain: grief does not follow a timetable, but it does ease over time.

Because grief is so painful, some people try to “get over” a loss by denying the pain. Studies show that when people don’t deal with the emotions of grief, the pain does not go away. It remains with them, and can turn up in unrecognizable and sometimes destructive ways. Understanding the emotions of grief and its feeling and symptoms are important steps in healing and in helping others who may be grieving.

The Feelings and Symptoms of Grief
Experts describe the process of grieving and the emotions of grief in various ways The most commonly described reactions are: Shock, Denial, Anger, Guilt, Depression, Acceptance, and Growth. Some people experience the grieving process in this order. Most often, a person feels several of these emotions at the same time, perhaps in different degrees.

Shock
If the death comes suddenly, as in an accident or murder, shock is often the first response people feel. Even if the death is anticipated, there may be disbelief at its finality. A person may be numb, or, like a robot, be able to go through the motions of life while actually feeling little. At the same time, physical symptoms such as confusion and loss of appetite are common.

Denial
Shock and denial are nature’s way of softening the immediate blow of death. Denial can follow soon after the initial shock. People may know their loved one has died, but some part of them can’t yet accept the reality of the death. It is not uncommon to fantasize that the deceased will walk through the door, as if nothing has happened. Some people leave bedrooms unchanged or make future plans as if the loved one will participate, just as in the past.

Anger
Anger is normal. It may be directed at the deceased for leaving and causing a sense of abandonment, or at the doctors and nurses who did not do enough, or at a murderer who killed without remorse. People of faith may feel anger at God, for allowing so much pain and anguish. Anger may also be directed at oneself for not saving the life of the loved one. It can be a mild feeling or a raging irrational emotion. It can test one’s faith in religion or even in the goodness of life.

Guilt
Few survivors escape some feeling of guilt and regret. “I should have done more” are words that haunt many people. Were angry words exchanged? Most people are very creative in finding reasons for guilt. So many things could have been done differently “if only I had known.”

Sadness
Sadness is the most inevitable emotion of grief. It is normal to feel abandoned, alone and afraid. After the shock and denial have passed and the anger has been exhausted, sadness and even hopelessness may set in. A person may have little energy to do even the simplest daily chores. Crying episodes may seem endless.

Acceptance
Time alone will not heal grief. Acknowledging the loss and experiencing the pain may free the survivor from a yearning to return to the past. Accepting life without the lost loved one may give way to a new perspective about the future. Acceptance does not mean forgetting, but rather using the memories to create a new life without the loved one. Hoping for things to be as they were may be replaced by a search for new relationships and new activities.

Growth
Grief is a chance for personal growth. For many people, it may eventually lead to renewed energy to invest in new activities and new relationships. Some people seek meaning in their loss and get involved in causes or projects that help others.

Some people find a new compassion in themselves as a result of the pain they have suffered. They may become more sensitive to others, thus enabling richer relationships. Others find new strength and independence they never knew they had. After the loss, they find new emotional resources that had not been apparent before.

The Experience of Grief
Grieving people have two choices: they can avoid the pain and all the other emotions associated with their loss and continue on, hoping to forget. This is a risky choice, since experience shows that grief, when ignored, continues to cause pain.

The other choice is to recognize grieving and seek healing and growth. Getting over a loss is slow, hard work. In order for growth to be possible, it is essential to allow oneself to feel all the emotions that arise, as painful as they may be, and to treat oneself with patience and kindness.

Feel the Pain.
Give into it - even give it precedence over other emotions and activities, because grief is a pain that will get in the way later if it is ignored. Realize that grief has no timetable; it is cyclical, so expect the emotions to come and go for weeks, months or even years. While a show of strength is admirable, it does not serve the need to express sadness, even when it comes out at unexpected times and places.

Talk About Your Sorrow.
Take the time to seek comfort from friends who will listen. Let them know you need to talk about your loss. People will understand, although they may not know how to respond. If they change the subject, explain that you need to share your memories and express your sorrow.

Forgive Yourself.
Forgive yourself for all the things you believe you should have said or done. Also forgive yourself for the anger and guilt and embarrassment you may have felt while grieving.

Eat Well and Exercise.
Grief is exhausting. To sustain your energy, be sure to maintain a balanced diet. Exercise is also important in sustaining energy. Find a routine that suits you - perhaps walks or bike rides with friends, or in solitude. Clear your mind and refresh your body.

Indulge Yourself.
Take naps, read a good book, listen to your favorite music, get a manicure, go to a ball game, rent a movie. Do something that is frivolous, distracting and that you personally find comforting.

Prepare for Holidays and Anniversaries.
Many people feel especially “blue” during these periods, and the anniversary date of the death can be especially painful. Even if you think you’ve progressed, these dates may bring back some of your painful emotions. Make arrangements to be with friends and family members with whom you are comfortable. Plan activities that give you an opportunity to mark the anniversary.

Get Help.
Bereavement groups can help you recognize your feelings and put them in perspective. They can also help alleviate the feeling that you are alone. The experience of sharing with others who are in a similar situation can he comforting and reassuring. Sometimes, new friendships grow through these groups - even a whole new social network that you did not have before.

There are specialized groups for widowed persons, for parents who have lost a child, for victims of drunken drivers, etc. There are also groups that do not specialize. Check with your local hospice or other bereavement support groups for more information.

If you find that you are in great distress or in long-term depression, individual or group therapy from a counselor who specializes in grief may be advisable. You can ask your doctor for a referral.

Take Active Steps to Create a New Life for Yourself.
Give yourself as much time to grieve as you need. Once you find new energy, begin to look for interesting things to do. Take courses, donate time to a cause you support, meet new people, or even find a new job.

It is often tempting to try to replace the person who has been lost. Whether through adoption, remarriage, or other means; this form of reconciliation often does not work.

Many people discover that there is hope after death. Death takes away, but grief can give back. It is possible to recover from grief with new strengths and a new direction. By acting on our grief, we may eventually find peace and purpose.

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Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Answer 2

Time heals all wounds, but if did not feel the sadness that you do at this very moment you would not be human. All I can say is that remember that your grandmother raised you so that you may have a good life and she wanted for you to be happy. It is perfectly reasonable to be in such despair but don't use her death as a crutch to crumble everything that your grandma worked do hard to build. Just b/.c someone dies does not mean that they stopped loving you, or that they disappeared and they are no longer watching over you. She will be in your heart forever and let that be the love and warmth that you need, also talk about it with your real friends. Good luck in this wonderful thing called life, you will have downs but you will have ups; but if you keep looking down you will never see the beautiful upside of life. May she rest in peace.

Answer 3

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. It WILL get easier in time. How much time, no one will know but you. Take one day at a time.
I lost my brother less than a year ago. I thought I'd go crazy with the pain. I had no idea how in the world I'd go on, but I have.
Sounds crazy, but I'd talk to him, tell him stuff about my day, write him letters, it always made me feel closer to him.
Dont be afraid to remember. Keep pictures and mementos where you can see them and remember wonderful times.

Stay busy. Stick with good friends who can help you through this and keep you pre-occupied. If you need to, let them know you are struggling and need an extra shoulder to lean on.
Dont expect too mcuh from yourself while you are grieving. Give yourself a break and take a nap, a day off, a vacation, whatever you need.
One thing that helped me was knowing my brother wasnt suffering anymore. He had a brain tumor, so he wasnt himself for a long time. Once he died, he was perfect again. That was a great comfort to me. Imagine your grandmother/mother as being perfect- no wrinkles, no scars, nothing.

I sure hope this helps. Stay strong and it will get better.

Answer 4

From experience, I will honestly tell you that the most important issue about coping with a death, is letting yourself time to grieve.
Grieving is crucial when trying to cope with a death. Which means.. CRY!! YELL! Tell someone how truly awful you feel. Talk about the emotions you are having. Listen to music that makes you think about her.. CRY some more. This is going to takes weeks, and probably months, until you get to the point that you can discuss your grandmother with anyone without breaking down. Do not be ashamed of crying in front of anyone for this. Everyone sometime in their lives have lost someone and knows that it is a very hard emotional battle.

I have lost many special people in my life, teenagers from my class, grandparents My father, and MY SON 4 weeks old.

You will come to a time when something that is said, at a family gathering, friends house, even your local market where your grandmother will be mentioned and you will realize that maybe it is time to celebrate her life, laugh about the funny things she did. Embrace the fact that you were able to be with her throughout your growing years. It will be come easier. Like I said GRIEVE, COPE, CELEBRATE, and EMBRACE HER.

Answer 5

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the five stages in the acceptance of death are:

Denial – Initial reaction to any loss, that is often accompanied by feelings of isolation and loss.

Anger – Occurs when the victim can no longer deny his or her illness or loss.

Bargaining – May involve praying, seeking alternative treatments, or promising better behavior in exchange for the death.

Depression – Involves a period of grieving for the loss; the situation is sad and the person has the right to be depressed.


Acceptance – Involves a coming to terms with the situation without feelings of hostility; allows time for facing reality in a constructive way.


Believe me you will go through these stages. But for someone to tell you how to do wouldn't be of any help. Only you know that person and the relationship you had with them.
I am sorry for your loss. This is a very hard time. Take care and reflect on what she gave you and how blessed you are because of it!

Answer 6

You know, we are guaranteed death as soon as we are born, this is what reality is. Everything in between are just choices that we make. Your grandmother sounds like she made good choices, and good friends. She loved you very much from what I can read and she gave you all the best that she could. We all love people that die, but that is destiny and it was her time, sometimes they are taken before the can endure any suffering in their lifetime, your grandmother was given the gift to have children and you as a grandmother, some people die without knowing either you got to know your grandmother, I never Knew them well I wish I had because they died when I was a child. Be happy you got time to love and enjoy her in life you have great memories, and she's at peace.

Answer 7

I actually did a lot of writing when my Nanna died - she had spent 7 years living with us and I missed her so much when she died of a tumour.

I wrote poems and writing (Its what I do in my spare time anyway and it seemed to work really well) I talked to friends about my Nanna and sat for a while, listing all the good things I could remember about the things we did. The little traits she had, the things she said, the advice she gave me and tried not to think of the fact that she was gone but more the fact that she is waiting for me somewhere with my grandad.

I found that thinking about her helped cope with my grief. I also visited where we scattered her ashes (though this was hard at first)

I also kept a few things that she held dear to her. Brooches, pearls, even her teddies and games that she used to play.

The most important thing is never to forget them, remember the things that they did for you.

It also made me want to believe in heaven. I now strongly believe this because I like to think that she is there watching over me and still proud of me and that one day I will see her again.

If you want to talk more about this email me at: [e-mail]

Kayleigh-Emma xxx

Good luck.

Answer 8

First thing except that she is gone and in a better place. Know that her spirit will always be with you and "god" never makes mistakes. He just needed her a little more then you. Only thing I can sincerely tell you is to stay focused and what you need to do, continue to strive for better. It will get better to deal with. I have been in your shoes, my mother past from a massive heart attack (Suddenly) on Easter Sunday 2003, by July 2003, I found out that I was prego. She was brought back in to my life, but as my son. It took a lot to deal with all those emotions, but I did it with the help of family, friends and faith.

Answer 9

I don't know exaclty what you mean.

Of course you arent' "taking it well" as it's a very sad thing and you're grieving.

Don't try to pretend that all is well.

Talk to the people who are close to you. You may find that those who've suffered similar loss (of a parent, for instance) understand what you're going through now.

You might consider a grief self-help group, too.

Talking to people who understand how you feel, and will listen (without telling you to "move on" -- which it's too soon to do) will help.

There's no "good" way to take it. It hurts, and it will hurt for a while.

Don't expect to be ready to party, and be all "La, la!" right away.

Spend time with those close to you. Take care of yourself.

Over time, you'll heal. You'll get used to her being gone. You'll start to feel better again.

But it takes time.

People in our culture tend to forget that. Many seem to expect you to bounce right back. But she was as a parent to you. That's a very big deal, and a big loss.

You might also do some reading on the topic of coping with loss; that might help, as well.

Let yourself feel what you feel.

And then keep busy. Do things that focus your attention elsewhere. Go to movies with friends, play, whatever things you like.

Sometimes it'll just hit you at odd times. Don't worry about that. (That's why it's good to socialize with people close to you; they understand that you're going through a mourning process and won't freak when it hits you. Find those kinds of people to be with.)

Answer 10

Okay.......A few yrs ago my husband lost his sister and her hubby and our two nephews...................To a drunk driver...We received from the funeral home some pamphlets on grieving.I can tell you they were a God send....We realized that you have to work through everything at your own pace...Some people work through it a lot faster and easier than others....You will feel Loss , Anger, Sadness and in a few yrs....You may even just have a whole day of tears...........This is all of the process....We are lucky to have loved ones around us to help us process these feelings....But just let the feelings come and know that God put those tears there to help you release all of the feelings.......And move on.....After all ..I am sure she loved you as much as you loved her and she would want you to remember the good times and live life in a way that would honor her.........God Bless

Answer 11

I'm so sorry. Though i haven't experienced this, i've experienced other deaths .. The best thing to do is think of the positve rather than negative .. It's good to grieve rather than hold in so if you feel like crying, cry. Get a stuffed animal and just hug it and write in a journal to release your feelings .. There's alot running through your head and you just need to take it day by day .. & also turn to your religion. Best of luck.