Me and my husband have been married for 2 years now and I have a 4 year old who is not his. We have no children together. I would just like some advice about the step-parents role in raising a child. We started out fine and now that my sons real dad has stopped paying the child support my husband says that it is not his job to help me pay for daycare and the bills around the house. My son had a 5 month old puppy and the puppy got into our bedroom and chewed up come computer wires and my husband took the dog and dumped him on the side of the road and it took me and my son 2 hours driving around to find him.
Can some one help me understand the role of a step-parent. My sons real father also has 3 other children who are older than my son and I have helped raise his brothers when me and his father was together. I paid of stuff for them and got them toys and took them to the doctor when they needed to go. But I do not understand why my husband feels the way he does.
2007-10-15 05:52:15 · 8 answers · asked by Kathy Y 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
All of the answers have been what I thought a step-parents role should be. I had no problem raising my sons fathers 3 other children when they lived with us.He knew about my son before he even asked me out. We used to work together and I was always talking about my son and he would come to work with me sometimes. I do have a job but I only make $7.00 an hour and since my sons father has quit paying the child support (which we have a court date in December about contempt charges for that) I am now forced to pay the $340.00 a month daycare cost for my son while I work. I only paid my car note, my car insurance, the phone and power bill my husband took care of the land rent, mortgage and his truck note, insurance and groceries. Now without the child support I have not paid my car note in 2 months. I did find the puppy and he is alright. He is at my grandmothers house who lives next door to me so my husband can not take him off again while I am at work.
2007-10-15 08:53:29 · update #1
Your husband is neglecting the fact that when he married you he accepted the fact that he will be a part of your son's life even though he is not the biological father. My step mother did the same thing. I think it is unreasonable when a step parent tries to avoid the fact that they knew what they were getting into when they got married. It isn't as if you kept your son a secret from him until after the wedding.
His actions may be a reflection of his frustration with the fact that your ex has stopped paying child support. The frustration is reasonable, his actions are not. He is taking his frustration out on a 4 year old instead of directing it where it belongs. If you don't understand why he feels the way he does, you should ask him. That is really the only way you'll find out. Ask him what role he imagined playing in your son's life when the two of you got married. Explain to him that you know it isn't his fault that your ex is not fulfilling his duties as a father, but that you would appreciate some effort on his part to help you out. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Good luck.
2007-10-15 06:09:14 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Kathy,
I can not understand how people can marry someone with children and NOT expect to be responsible for the entire family! Be it male or female who is the "step", it is a package deal. You can't marry someone and not expect to accept responsibility for their children. That is what the word "family" means. If he didn't want the responsibility of a family, he should have just went to the corner "cat house" and went about his business. Basically, what he did to that poor puppy when he abandoned him is the same thing that he just did to your son if you really think about it. Not only is this child being denied by his OWN father by him refusing to pay child support, he is also being denied by his step father! How sad that is for him!!!
When I married my husband (my true soulmate) I had 2 teenage girls. That poor thing was the only man in the house! I could have never chosen a better father to them if I had sat and conducted long interviews to hand pick one!
Every time they need anyone, they come to him...not their fathers, their Daddy! They know that even though they have a biological father (or a sperm donor as my oldest calls her dad), they know who has always been there for them and taken care of them. That is the most important thing in a child's life! And for him to deny that to your son is the lowest form of neglect in a family!
As for the household bills, he married you and took that responsibility as well. Even if you did not have your son, the bills would still have to be paid, right? It sounds to me like he wants someone to pay the bills while he does as he pleases and if you don't have the child support to do that with then he is through with both of you.
I am sorry but I call them like I see them. And I have had one of these so I can see what you may be facing soon.
My advice to you is to get a job and become independent so that you can take care of you and your son and tell him to find someone who is looking for a jerk! If he treats this child like this now, just imagine how he will be treated if you ever have one with this guy!!!!!
I wish you and your son all the best in the world!
Bonnie Ramsey
2007-10-15 08:09:39 · answer #2 · answered by bonnieram1962 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He threw the puppy away? Probably murdered it.
I hate to say this, but he is not a human being. Flee him.
That's unbelievably cruel.
In general he sounds selfish and unloving.
I suppose he'd have nice big meals and let you and your son starve right in front of his eyes.
He apparently does not see you as a couple at all.
He sounds like a completely horrible person. Do you really want to stay with him? He's incapable of any human feeling, and clearly does not care about you.
Sorry, but from what you wrote, you'd be better off without him.
It's not his job to pay the expenses of his own household? Would he sit around in the dark with no electricity if YOU couldn't afford to pay the bills?
Anyone who would murder a puppy is NOT human.
A human being, who married someone with a child, would be in a marriage (meaning he wouldn't let his wife and son starve or let the electricity get cut off), but would share money and expenses.
And, being an adult in a home with a child, he would play a parent's role for that child.
He knew you had the kid before you married, right?
2007-10-15 08:42:16 · answer #3 · answered by tehabwa 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband has 3 children from his first marriage and I have never told him that it isn't my responsibility to help him take care of his children. When you marry someone with children you are actually in a way marrying their children also. It IS your responsibility to help your spouse care for their children, whether it be financial, physically, or emotionally. I know that it is hard being a step parent at times. But he knew you had a child before you were married. Now he needs to step up and be a MAN and provide for his family. If that means taking up the slack left by a deadbeat dad then that is what he has to do. If not then maybe he isn't the man you want to help raise your child. Good luck.
2007-10-15 06:18:22 · answer #4 · answered by cris 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Step parenting is one of those things that is impossible to define roles. For some, it comes very easy and natural, but for others, it does not. I'm learning myself that its going to take time, patience and a lot of trial and error. As its only been 2 years, from what I've heard, that's still the beginning. I've never met a step parent who automatically had an easily paved road. (well, except for the damn Brady Bunch)
If your sons bio dad is no longer paying child support, then it is most definitely your responsiblity to make sure that he does. A loss in monely like that can put a strain on your finances and that is not fair to your husband. You need to absolutely pursue getting child support from your sons father. First and foremost, your son is your responsibility. That being said, marriage and family, even step families are most definitely a partnership. Sounds like your husband may not see that, or perhaps may not be used to the idea.
Household expenses should come from a joint account. If the loss of child support puts a strain on your finances, then again, go after bio dad. Dont put the added financial pressure on your husband. That will defintely make him resent the situation.
Its really not fair for a step parent to have to pay for a child that's not theirs. In most states, a step parent is not financially responsible for a step child- even when it comes to child support calculations. Chances are your husband has gotten used to a certain way of living, now that there is an added expense becuase the bio dad is a deadbeat, there's going to be a lot of aggrivation and frustration.
I think you need to 1000% go after bio dad. Its his responsibility first and foremost.
As for the puppy, that's just wrong. Make him sleep in the puppy bed for a week. Then if that doesnt work, leave HIM on the side of the road.
I think overall his role needs to be a positive role model, but maybe he's not ready for 100% responsibility? If your husband is like me, he went from being alone and single to being a 'family man' and the change can be drastic. Maybe try to let him do fun stuff with your son and not have to worry about the 'serious' stuff like money and school and hard stuff that will in turn aggrivate the situation? This is where its hard on the parent too becuase you are in the middle and you seriously will have to work twice as hard to sooth things over. You have two people and a very difficult situation to handle. But give it time.
I know with my own step daughter, one of the ultimate annoyances is that I'm expected to provide a nice,loving home and help contribute/pay for things, yet I dont have a single say in things like school, heathcare, etc. that are important. I've been married for a year and its TOUGH. She is an awesome kid, but her bio mother is a pile of crap. literally. Always the step parent is frustrated, the bio parent is annoyed and the kid is confused and angry. Give it time and keep working on it!
Good luck!
2007-10-15 06:17:26 · answer #5 · answered by amymaha73 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the first sign that someone will abuse you and your kids is when he can abuse an animal with no guilt
which is what he did along with neglect
you husband should have realized he married a package
you need to talk to him and tell him
my husband helps pay the bills
does allot of work
the kids love him he love them very much
he needs to co parent with you if not i would start looking at your options do you really want this guy around or shall i say not around for you the entire time your son grows up too sad
2007-10-15 06:09:58 · answer #6 · answered by summerbliss 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Quite frankly dear, you have married the wrong man!
2007-10-15 06:07:08 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your current husband is childish, angry and selfish (let's not talk about how stupid and uncaring he is).
why are you tolerating his behaviors?
i guess he was just in it for the child support? he's an idiot.
2007-10-15 06:12:59 · answer #8 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋