Do you consider someone who doesn't ever want to get married as selfish?

Question

I recently came to the end of a relationship in which the fact that I have no desire to get married played a crucial role in our demise. I'm not going to say I would NEVER get married, it is simply not important to me to do so. This has been a problem in most of my past relationships, while not being a factor in a select few others.

Has anyone else experienced this, from either end of the story, and how do you deal with this?

Answer 1

I'm feel the same way. Marriage is not a "goal" for me, nor is it what I look for in a relationship. I find that it's just best to be honest and upfront about it. Not that you should blurt it out on the first date, but definetly early in the relationship. I say, "Look, I like you a lot. I can see us going places but you have to know that I don't want to get married. I don't want children either. You may think this is a little forward but I'd hate to spend two years with you only to have it end for this reason. This is non-negotiable and I will not change my mind. Please think about it, fully think about it and then we'll take it from there." And this is coming from a girl.

Answer 2

The more important part is commitment. It depends how you view marriage. To some people, and this is the worst attitude to marriage, is that it is nothing more than a piece of paper. At the other extreme are those who think marriage is everything, and that people should strive to marry first, then have sex, then have children in that order (something American's seem to value, though here in the UK that has been outdated for a generation or two.)

In the middle is a moderate attitude to marriage, one that I tend to agree with. Marriage is a public and legally binding declaration of your love and commitment for each other. Whether you agree with this, or with the religious extreme, the effect is little different, except that the moderate view offers the chance for a normal life before marriage.

Marriage certainly does no harm and changes nothing for a couple who were committed anyway, and I know many couples who have stayed together unmarried for years. So looking at it that way it does no harm to give him what he wants and get married. Relationships are like that, sometimes you have to concede some ground, and he will do the same for you. Perhaps you can't do it because you don't believe the vows, ie you don't WANT to commit to him forever, you can see a time when you will want to move on.

I think marriage, which is losing its appeal here in Britain, will make a comeback. I am a complete atheist so the religious aspect of marriage means nothing to me, but keeping a family together means everything to me, and in this regard marriage has its distinct advantages.

Answer 3

I think to an extent, marriage can be considered selfish, though I have nothing against it personally, but find it is not necessary to show commitment and devotion to a partner.

Marriage was instituted for purposes of political/religious control of the people. In ancient times, commitment was a mutual agreement between partners, there was no legal paper signing one's life away nor romanticised vows.
Love was human necessity, part of survival because man/woman needed to form relationships and procreate in order for civilisation to not fall into extinction, therefore love was survivalism, the instinctive need of man/woman to not be alone, I think this is why polygamy was a common practice in ancient times.
Religion has romanticised love using the institution of marriage, literature, music, etcetera, which has influenced societies from billions of years ago (the Sumerians, whom initiated the first organised religion) until present time.

That being said, to me love is also much deeper than I could ever describe, in a spiritual, chemical and philosophical sense (am not taking away from the emotional value of it), but based on ancient history, it is noticeable that religion has had an influence on the way we view love and marriage, even upon the non-religious, as myself.

Answer 4

I don't think marriage should even be much of an issue, from any side. For me it was like this:

My relationship seemed like it'd withstand the test of time, my wife wanted a marriage, so I gave her one after YEARS of being friends then in a relationship.

Some people want it, some don't. I think taking a stance against marriage is as bad as those people who feel they have to get married. Just take it day by day, if it happens let it, if it doesn't no big deal.

And no, I don't think it's selfish. Maybe a little jaded (depends on the motivators), but not selfish.

Answer 5

Nah, its not a bad thing at all. Selfish can also be a good thing too sometimes. I don't really want to get married again, I am not completely ruling it out though.

I made the mistake of letting my ex pester me into marriage. I sadly got married just to shut the other person up because I got sick of hearing "so when are we going to get married?".

Never let anyone talk you into doing something you don't want to do. It always ends badly.

Answer 6

Well, if you make it clear from the beginning how you feel about the subject, then no, I do not think that is selfish. I used to feel the same exact way and still do sometimes, even though I'm currently (gasp) engaged. I just pushed the wedding back four months, if that tells you anything.

Answer 7

After having been married, I have decided to not get married again. I am happy with my decision, although lonliness does bother me.
I never thought of myself as selfish.

Answer 8

Selfish? No.
But you do have to accept that most people do want more than that. When they do then you either step up or step away. But no you shouldn't get married if you don't want to.

Answer 9

not selfish more like self-absorbed!!! i could never have a relationship with someone like that!