What do I do when my boyfriend refuses to be a man?

Question

My guy and i have been together for a little over a year and it's starting to annoy me that he refuses to think about the future.. he wants to be a kid forever and it's driving me crazy that in our relationship he acts like the girl and i'm like the guy.. If we end up together how do i get him to be a man and take charge?

Answer 1

I will provide two answers.

I will first try to address what you say in your question:

I get the impression that you are trying to take up the slack when you see him being weak. If you keep doing this he will likely step aside and let you take the reins. If you asume or act as though he is weak he will likely act that way. The more you take up the slack the less pressure there is for him to take up the reins.

If you want a man to act more manly you need to become more feminine. Likewise if you act more childish he will likely try to compensate by acting more mature.

Also if he does have a need to act childish let him direct it in more positive ways. This can be done by setting aside some time for safe silliness. E.g. My uncle found it easier to drive sensibly on the road after he had scared himself silly on a real recetrack.

It could also be that your man needs a childish excitement before he can throw himself into a task. If this is the case, you might try directing his childish enthusiasm into projects of your liking. Challenges and flattery are especially good.

"Gee that sounds fun!" "Would that really be possible?" "I wouldn't know where to start" "Your my hero"

Your situation sounds a lot like my wife and myself. In her case she was a little too serious and pessimistic and I was a little overconfident and lacked a serious work ethic.

E.g. she seemed to want everything perfect before we started a family. She is almost forty now and still making up her mind.

Now to my second answer:

Reading in between the lines I assume you want a more "serious" relationship. I.e. maybe marriage or other plans of a shared future OR some indication that he could settle down and be a reliable mate.

If you want to get him to propose or start planning a future together, a direct frontal attack is the least likley to suceed.

There are well known methods of landing a happy go lucky fellow.

First you let him talk about himself. Ask him lots of questions to get him talking until he runs out of things to say. Men have big egos and like to fluff up their feathers and crow out how clever they are.

Second flatter him and be fun to be with.

Constantly reminding him of his faults or things that can go wrong will make him want to spend less time with him.

Talk about fun things you want to do with him in the future or even things you might do in an imaginary world. refer to problems positively where the two of you imagine battling problems together or him rescuing you in your time of dispair.


Third entice his imagination: Be mysterious. Use lots of intelligent subtle double meaning in your conversation. Keep him off balance by mixed messages so he feels the fun of the chase and is never sure if he is winning or loosing.Likewise clothes should be tantalising rather than too revealing or stodgy.

Fourthly: Be happy with yourself. You know yourself better than anyone so if you don't like yourself or don't have confidence in your future as a couple, he might assume you know something he doesn't and that your not worth knowing better. Men are attracted to relaxed confidence. They prefer you look at them with admiration than look at yourself in the mirror for flaws. Likewise if you give the impression that you are too good for him he will asume you will move on whaen something better turns up.

Don't appear desperate. If you get too pushy guys generally feel trapped or manipulated. Show you are interested and lavish him with attention but also show you can enjoy other peoples company. This shows you won't be an emotional drain and he may need to work a little to keep your interest. When you feel jelouse leave him with the attitude that she's not bad but I'm better. In all situations put yourself up rather than pulling others down. Its far more attractive.

Slowly work your way into his life. Discuss things like education, and child raising in abstract terms such as how did his parents cope and what would he do different.

Post situations as puzzles to be solved, and indicate that he is up to any task and you have every confidece that a solution will be found

have faith in his higher virtues but never be a doorstop.

Find the best things you like about him and tell him how much you admire those features in him; But if he treats you badly show him your too good a woman (and he's too good a man) to accept such behavior, then give him the chance to rewind time and try again. Let him know you are a good team that can conquer any problem together.

Answer 2

First of all, if you question his manhood in his presence as you have here, it is a miracle that he is still with you at all. Tearing a man down like that is about the worst thing you can do in a relationship.

Secondly, planning a future is not the role of a man and indecision that of a woman; the reverse is far more common.

You don't say how old you are, but you sound a little desperate and/or immature. "A little over a year" is not that long. Many guys take much longer than that to decide if a woman is "the one".

You say he wants to be a kid forever; maybe this is just the kind of relationship he enjoys with you. He is having fun. Particularly for men who realize the responsibility of a family, it is a big step to take to commit to one woman, the potential of children, and all of the life changes those things bring. He may just not be ready to do that yet at all, or maybe (and I don't say this to insult you in particular) he isn't sure that his relationship with you would translate well into what he envisions as his future as a family man.

I think you are looking at this wrongly. You are suggesting that you want to be with him, but not in his current form. He is who he is. If you find him too irresponsible for your liking, you shouldn't be with him at all. You won't be able to make him over. If you want to be with someone who takes charge, let him go and look for a man who does that. This one does not.

Answer 3

How old are you guys? This would be helpful info. - in that guys don't start to "mature" til they are in their mid to late 20's. Sometimes younger guys (if you get together when you're young) are more mature than guys that are 21-28 year old range - sowing oats I guess. I got my husband when he was 19, we married within a week of his 29th birthday. A year's time is not that long. Don't rush your relationship - after all who wants a Hollywood marriage (over in under 2 years)? Weigh it, make a list and have it ready when you discuss this with him. Good luck.

PS It couldn't hurt for you to give him your definition of what a man is to you. If you can't do that, then give up now. Otherwise get it out of the dictionary and tape it to the bathroom mirror.

Answer 4

Looks like hes not mature and not ready to grow up yet. I don't know how old you guys are but you have to know you can't change a man or anyone for that matter. You can only change yourself and others have to want to change for themselves. Forcing him to want the things you want will only make him resent you. Why do you want to be with someone who is not on the same track in life as you are? My last advice will be the best advice for your situation now and for any guy advice in the future: Listen to Tom Leykis. go to blowmeuptom.com and listen to his podcasts. He says what men think and helps women like you realize the mistakes you are making. Tom is not a woman hater just a man who shares his ideas, things people are afraid to say, to the world. He has great advice you just need an open mind and listen. Hope that helps

Answer 5

Why don't you sit him down and have a real conversation with him. Tell him how he is acting, ask him how he feels about his behavior, tell him changes need to be made and if they are not tell him consiqunces of his action ( or lack of )...

Oh, and don't be so one sided. Maybe you are doing things he does not like either, so make sure to bring that up too. Some guys need a kick in the butt to break a cycle when their woman is an enabler and does not enforce changes.

Answer 6

He's probably not ready to settle down or think about it and you are. He is not bad and you are not bad, but just are on different paths at this time.

If you pressure him into marriage (I'm not saying you are) or the like and he is not ready, it will be a disaster. You cannot make anyone instantly responsible, either, he is still sowing oats and you are not.

If we are not ready for long term committments, we feel trapped and that is not condusive to success in a relationship.

My wife waited 3 years for me to be ready and we have been married 26 years.

My son and his girlfriend have been dating 11 years and neither wants marriage yet.

Answer 7

That is why there is a general belief that woman prefers a guy older than she. Woman wants to be taken care of. Man is to serve and woman to please. It is quite natural for you to expect him to behave like a man. But the man is not ready o take the responsibilty. He will do but only when he is left with no option but to act. Presently he would like to relax a bit and enjoy the relation in all freebies as there is no retide for this. When the excitement and physical intimacy wavers of he would surely shoulder all the responsibilities he should be. But if he is already in thirties and still behaving like a teenager and his behaviour is not to your likings it is suggested that you better part ways as he is not the kind of guys who believes in garnering assets.

Answer 8

Dont get together with him. If he refuses to be a man and you dont like it HE is not ur man. he is not ur type then. But if u do get together and u want him to be a man then you need some counseling i mean not for u him. Or tell him straight up that if he doesn't act like a man then i am not going to be ur wife or gf. Maybe then he will straighten up and surprise you. Hope i helped thanks bye!

Answer 9

you can't change him. you have to accept him the way he is. he probably won't change. only stay with him if the relationship works for you. if the situation is not working for you, you have to talk to him about your feelings and needs. you don't want to be in a relationship forever that is 'driving you crazy'.

if you want different things (you want to plan the future and he doesn't) then maybe he's not the right guy.

Answer 10

Time to find a new boyfriend.

I dated the same guy all through college. Gosh, I was madly in love with him. But he wouldn't talk about our future. After graduating I started dating others who were more "forward" thinking, found a wonderful guy and married.

I recently was contacted by "the college boyfriend". He didn't get married until he was 48.