i'm 25 and he's 36...i really like this guy...i met him 1 1/2 month ago and everything was just perfect til yesterday...he said he didnt mention it b4 cause he's afraid of losing me..he has a 14 yrs old son who lives with his mum and step-father...he was born out of wed-lock...what should i do?
2007-10-15 02:43:32 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
it didnt change anything...i still love him and wanna be with him...but it was a huge shock!
2007-10-15 02:58:39 · update #1
Well, it depends. Do you really like this guy? You said yes. Does the thought of a son bother you? Why? Are you worried that it will take time from your relationship? Do you believe his reasoning as to why he didn't tell you? As a Dad, that is not what I woudl have done, but he may have his reasons. A single guy with a kid can scare away soem women.
As a father, you do have to remember that he will have to have some dealings with his ex, and that his son should/will take priority over you in most cases. The good news for you is that there will be no diaper changing, 3AM feedings, etc since he is 14. I am a divorced Dad, so I can relate to this.
In my opinion, happiness and compatibility is hard to find. If you care for this guy and want to pursue this relationship further, then you should do so...and don't let the fact that he has a kid scare you away.
It's tough to say what you should do because every case is different. It's only been 1-1/2 months, so I would just take it slow and feel out the situation. Ask him questions and try to understand his situation. I think the most important thing to convey to him is honesty. Tell him how you feel...your fears, concerns, etc...and urge him to be honest with you. If you both care for each other, then you need to have honesty and an open dialogue about this.
2007-10-15 02:55:42 · answer #1 · answered by Sharkman 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you really like this guy, you should give him a chance. You can't judge him for something that happened in the past (and especially during a period when you didn't even know him). He probably didn't tell you because he knew you would over-react. I'm sure it's not the first time he's dealt with girls that couldn't handle him being a father. Practically everyone is divorced, separated or married to their 2nd-3rd husband/wife nowadays....so I really don't see what the problem is. The son doesn't even live with him. What, are you afraid you'll have to baby-sit him??
2007-10-15 03:00:06 · answer #2 · answered by Mari76 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, what should it matter... Some people don't say anything because for some it sends people in the other direction... so he lied but he is also protecting his son too... He probably wanted to make sure that you were the right person... I would just ask that the next time your man is with his son you suggest something that you guys can do something together. At least that would be a step in the right direction... All you want to do is get to know them both so why not?
Good luck
2007-10-15 02:49:34 · answer #3 · answered by De 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't worry about it. The child is 14 and lives with his mother. I mean really it's up to you. What do you think you should do? Has it changed your opinion of the man you like? It's only a month and a half into dating. He's told you now. Maybe he was waiting to see how you two get a long first before he told you and he may feel that you are a good person so he wanted to share something with you that is special to him.
2007-10-15 02:54:23 · answer #4 · answered by sydney77 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is the child part of his life (does he have any custody, or visitation?)
More importantly -- is he responsible financially? This goes a long way to knowing if he will be responsible for children YOU have together. If he, whether or not he is a physical presence for the child, is helping to provide financially for his son's care and education (paying child support), that is a GOOD thing. If he walked away from the child, that doesn't say much for his credibility.
There are a lot of valid reasons that he would not be active in the child's life -- because the boy lives in a stable household, it is far away, and/or he and the childs mother agreed that she preferred to move on without him, and raise the child herself (with her current husband).
Ask him to describe the situation (not explain, which sounds like you are judging him). Ask him to DESCRIBE the situation, and how they fit together. THEN, ask what he expects your role (if any) to be in a longer term situation.
2007-10-15 02:52:52 · answer #5 · answered by Sue 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
RUN!!!! I never ever dated anyone in my youth who had children. Main reason being I didn't want any drama in my life and didn't want the responsibility of anyone's child. Not even my own. It's only been a month-in-a-half since you began dating him. It is still a very fresh relationship. Get out while you can. You need to also consider a man who is 36 years old why does he not have any type of custody of his son? Lets say for the summers? RUN!! And he waited to tell you because he was afraid to lose you? HOGWASH. If he didn't tell you about something that is SO important (his own flesh and blood) I can only imagine what else he is hiding from you.
2007-10-15 02:48:08 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
if it didn't change anything, then what do you think has to be done? The only propblem here is that he needed to wait a while to tell you something, maybe he trusts you more now than he did before. But don't forget, the age difference between you and he is the same between you and his son. If things dont work out in 6 years you can date the boy.
2007-10-15 05:22:34 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
fair enough he didnt tell you straight away... but to leave it 1 month and a half is abit much!!
fair enough if he didnt tell you until the 2nd date or something! but 1 month and a half! lol
I dont think the 14 year old would be a problem to be honest - he might even be happy that his dad has found some one..
Look at it as, this guy obviously likes you alot that hes telling you about his child.
Give it a chance :)
2007-10-15 02:54:44 · answer #8 · answered by Busybee 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Does it really change anything? The son lives with his mother so it's not like you'd be helping to raise him. He's old enough that you don't really have to worry about that at all. If you like this guy than stick it out and see what happens. Besides, his son might be a pretty cool kid that you would enjoy getting to know.
2007-10-15 02:48:20 · answer #9 · answered by Phaylynn 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I've been in this situation before and i feel you it is confusing... but if you can just bring yourself fo forgive him then i think that you will find that the son part of it will not interfere with the two of you, unless you want to someday be a part of the kid's life.... and you really like him so its definitely not something that should ruin the relationship, i understand that he kept it from you, but he probably did that so that you wouldn't freak out.... he could have kept it from you for a whole lot longer, and just try to understand that this happened way before you....
2007-10-15 02:53:16 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋