Should I cut ties with my Mother?

Question

In the past (recently) have had issues with my mum. I have come to the point where I feel better when I don't speak to her. We initially had a huge fight when she realised I was definitely going to University so I wouldn't be giving her any more money. I thought she would be happy for me, but I think she loves money more than anything. I decided I wouldn't give her any money regardless and that she has to work. I had gone through the trouble of having her relocate and help her find a good job only for her to throw it in my face after 10 days of working and she decided to move back out of the country. Recently she was trying to blackmail me by using my sliblings, knowing that I care for them and will send money if it's to do with them, but I refused. She is now so full of anger, and snaps at everyone (major tantrums). My sister cannot take it anymore and has no choice because she is so young. She is bullying everyone including my dad. Now after everything she wants to come back to her

job, and expects to me to arrange the trip and pay for it because she has no money. I am tired of going out of my way to do everything for her, just for someone to pretend that it's not enough and lie about me to people. She completely ruined our relationship by bad mouthing me and my husband to her friends and family after she realised we were going to stop giving her money. I recently spoke to her about helping her out, and she was rude, like I should be begging her. I told her eventually that I didn't have to do anything for her, then she changed her tone of voice to being nice. Sometimes when you speak to her on the phone about things she doesn't want to hear, she starts pretending she is holding another conversation i.e. hurry up you are wasting my time. She doesn't speak before she thinks in the last few months she has ruined about 8 relationships that I know of, all family members including me and my sister. I only call her so I can speak to my siblings, but I am getting so sick

of her tantrums. She wants everything to go her way, people must do what she wants or else . . . So when speaking to her on the phone if she doesn't want to listen she puts the phone away from her ear.
She was recently turning onto my 13 yr old sister and the whole famly was shocked.
I don't know what to do because her behaviour is affecting the whole family. I do want to bring her over again so she can work, for the benefit of my siblings, but after what she did before - and the way she is behaving now, I just feel like not doing anything, but that means my siblings will lose out.
I don't understand why she is being the way she is. There's no point talking to her because my dad says she starts screaming and wont let you get a word in.

Of course I love my mother, but how do you continue to love someone who continues to destroy you? I keep falling back in and trying to help her, but she continues to put me down and talk badly about me. She acts like I owe her something and haven't finished paying for it until she says so . . . I have also tried to forgive her but she keeps hurting my feelings so how many times should I forgive her?
My step dad has tried to jump in but poor guy keeps being bullied too. She despises me because I tell the truth and don't stand up for lies. She also wants me to "side" with her even when she's lying or even if it means it's agains't another family member, you have to side with her because you are her daughter. I'm soooooo sick of all of this

I get the whole thing about having one mother and we should cherish everything etc, but I feel so depressed and close to suicidal whenever I have any meaningful conversation with her. I'm better off just staying away from her ro just ask how the weather is . . . period!

We all feared she may be going crazy, but no one has the guts to tell to get some help because when she has a tantrum she goes MAD!
The things she has been doing of late are crazy - no one puts money before their kids or friends before their kids. She just wants money so she can show off. If you give her money she becomes ok.

The reason why I decided not to give her money even if I have spare sometimes, is because she uses it up quickly buying nothing of great significance, she lies about my sibling's school fees - tripples it . . . she mocks my lifestyle (we live in a smaller house than she does, even though it's worth more than hers) - she tells us we should have all these expensive things which we can't afford because we share our income with her - but she can afford them.
I only intervened with my sister because she needed someone and my mum was being mean to her - I had to explain to her that she wont change and just has to accept the way she is and concentrate on school until she is able to move out at 18.

Answer 1

i think you should reduce your contact to a minimum. try writing all your feelings in a letter if she wont listen to you..good luck.

Answer 2

It sounds like your Mother may be bi-polar. I am not sure of her age. I think this is an issue that really needs more professional help. If you can't afford it I would recommend seeing someone from your church (or other religious person)
Because of the limit on what you wrote I would have to say that it is important for you to keep yourself healthy. I don't know how often you have to talk to your mum, if you are on the phone, make sure you start the conversation; "I only have a minute - I am at work, or class something" you can tell if the conversation takes a sour turn, just say oh I'm sorry I gotta go. The other is if you are with your mum, plan on a brief visit and only talk about things you know she won't get upset by. It sounds like she is chemically imbalanced. I know it is hard, unfortunately you can't make her get help but maybe you could talk to your dad about your concerns maybe he can find a way. You don't have to agree with what she says just don't reply, you just nod and say uh huh. I am so sorry, I know this is hard I had a similar situation with my mother. I just sort of avoided her, and like I said, I only talked about what she wanted to hear. She went through the change (you know menopause) it was a good ten years. Either way, my mum is all good now she still has her very strong opinions but I get her now. Think of your mum like a game, a puzzle you may have more power than you think!
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Answer 3

Do not cut ties. You will both have different opinions at the moment. May be your mum is missing you already. It is hard when your children start to leave home for whatever reason. Sorry your sister is getting the brunt of it at the moment. I am sure you will all miss each other. Maybe your mum has not worked before you do not say but that is hard to go back to work after you have been at home bringing your children up. People assume that you have done nothing and been lazy it is a difficult thing bringing children up. However good you are at being a mum.

Go to university and keep in touch with all your family. Things will improve I am sure. Good luck with your studies. Show your mum you can do well. I am sure that will make her feel better.

GOOD LUCK I HOPE YOU GET WHAT YOU ARE AIMING FOR.

Answer 4

I can completely relate to you on this one. I have tried with my mothe rin a similar situation for close to 20 yrs! It's got me so down in the past that I have nearly damaged myself. My mother sounds alot like yours except she has a drug problem too. But even without the drugs her attitude is disgustiong and she has slowly turned away all but one of her 5 kids. My advice to you would be to turn away. it's really painful and it will stick with you for a while but you will recover. i finally turned away several months ago after a particularly bad patch and there wasn't a day went by at first when I didn't hurt, think about it constantly or wonder if I was doing the right thing. But now a few months down the line I only think about it now and then and I'm feeling happier for it. I didn't realise how much energy she was sapping from me. And the problem with that was, it was energy I needed to bring up my own kids and spend with them and my partner. Your mother has had her turn, and she messed it up. You need to look after yours with a healthy heart and attitude, don't let her messed up attitude interfere with your family and life, because it will! Good luck x

Answer 5

The saying you can choose your friends but not you family is one of the truest sayings I have ever heard!

She sound like she's such high maintenance and you have tried to do the right thing by her. Time to put yourself first now I reckon.

However make sure you can live with your conscience for your own sake, not hers.

Maybe still send a birthday card etc just so that she cannot tell everyone (and mean it) that you haven't bothered with her. Maybe phone her once in a while but if she starts being childish just say "Mum, I won't talk to you when you are like this. I'm going to put the phone down now. Bye"

Good luck xx

Answer 6

you need to cut her out of your life at least for the time being, you cannot put other people's happiness before your own your only hurting yourself. Your mom is an unhappy person and it seems like no matter what you do you cant make her happy, but its not you its her own issues and shes looking to you to make them better. I have a very similair relationship with my mom and every time i get upset i say the serenity prayer in my mind, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference." You obviously have tried many things with your mom that are not working because she is not going to change. So change yourself, put your foot down, cut the ties. You don't deserve to be treated badly when you are only trying to help.

Answer 7

Don't cut ties with your mother, please. That would hurt both of you. I agree with the "limiting" conversation idea. Don't let her get you into a "heated" discussion, or argument. Make it short and sweet, dont argue, and dont let her argue with you. You will have to gather up a lot of patience, but do not let her talk down to you. By no means should you need to support her, find her a job, or relocate her! Especially when she seems to "attack" you for her misery. Just a note to you , she may be going thru menopause, if she hasn't treated you this way all your life. If so, I am not making excuses for her, but I went thru it and altho I didnt do things like you are describing, i almost had no control of my emotions, I would laugh one minute and cry the next because I didnt know why I was laughing, etc. Just FYI Take care of yourself and your husband. Best wishes

Answer 8

I would keep in touch with her. If you cut off all ties with her you may lose touch with your younger siblings.

As for helping her, it seems as if you have already done enough, without any kind of thanks. If you bring her over again you will be taking responsibility for her, and it sounds as if she is the kind of person who would ruin your life without a care.

My Mother would never have acted in such a selfish way. Her main concern was that my siblings and I should be happy. No matter how little she had, she rarely asked for a loan (if she did she always paid it back as quickly as she could). She refused to let us give her money unless it was for Christmas, birthday, or Mothers day. This is how a Mother should be towards her children!! Reading your question makes me realise how lucky we were to have her.

Be firm with your Mother. Tell her that it is up to her to take care of herself and her family. If you are worried about your siblings try to do things for them directly. E.g. pay school fees, buy school uniforms or clothes for them. Don't let your Mother take advantage of you any more.

Answer 9

Because of your add'l info...Never mind what I said below.. You need to avoid her as much as possible. You are not helping anyone by taking the torture right?

Don't explain yourself to her because she won't be rational back to you.

avoid. Until lots of time passes.


First of all, realize that your mum is from a different generation and has different ideas and beliefs than yours. She also has different priorties and she is just a completely different person from you.

You need to do two things at once..

Go to school so you can improve your life (because you are not good to anyone unless you are productive, happy, and with self worth).

Avoid the bullying as much as possible. Love your mom just because she's your mom but if she disrupts the flow of your progress limit contact. If you talk to her daily, make the calls short and sweet.

She may be experiencing menopause if she seems irrational.

Either way, YOU stay happy spirited for your self and the rest of your family.

Answer 10

In my opinion, it is definitely a good thing to cut toxic people out of your life. A toxic person is someone who gives and causes you more negativity than someone who means you well and wants the best for you.

Maybe you can still talk to your mother, just don't give her any money. Keep her at a distance and hopefully she'll get the hint that you will not be taken advantage of by her anymore. You may want to cut her off completely if she doesn't get the hint and continues to abuse the relationship you have w/ her.

Answer 11

No, don't cut off ties, she is your family, and the bitterness and stress this will cause will be worse than what you are facing now.

She is in another country facing financial hardships. Send money when you can, but not regularly, so she doesn't become dependent on it. Don't bring her to this country to work, you tried that and it failed - no reason to revisit it.

And your mother's other relationships are her business. You don't need to get involved with them. It will just cause you more stress. Your dad and siblings can take care of themselves regarding her. You aren't their savior, even though you love them. People are made of stronger stuff then you think and can take care of themselves. You've done a lot, and you should be proud. Don't let bitterness and resentment ruin it.