My new girl friend has Borderline Personality Disorder and is driving me nuts...What can I do?

Question

She does have a diagnosis . . . She is very abusive toward her four and nine yr old sons, both physically and emotionally, she has substance abuse issues (Alcohol & Crack). She lies and the worst thing is she is a total black and white thinker meaning everything is either all good or all bad. Chaos, Abuse, Lies and she refuses to take her medication . . . I was warned by her therapist that she is also unable to have a normal adult to adult relationship because she can't reciprocate. I am almost drained and I have made it clear that I will have nothing to do with her if she keeps abusing her children (She hits them often with soon and calls them horrible names.) Child Protective checks up on her and I even told her Psychiatrist what she is doing . . . She gets so mad whenever she gets mad with me and threatens harm to me . . . My patience are running thin.

Answer 1

WOW GET AWAY !!!!

Borderlines have brain abnormalities.
Structural Brain Abnormalities In Those With BPD

Frontolimbic brain abnormalities in patients with borderline personality disorder: a volumetric magnetic resonance imaging study.

We found a significant reduction of hippocampal and amydgala volumes in borderline personality disorder. There was a significant 24% reduction of the left orbitofrontal and a 26% reduction of the right anterior cingulate gyrus.

Biol Psychiatry 2003 Jul 15;54(2):163-71

A study of 21 women with BPD showed that those with BPD had a 16% reduction in size of a crucial limbic system component - the hippocampus. This may partly explain the memory problems those with BPD usually experience since the hippocampus is a critical location for memory. The reduction in hippocampus size was directly correlated with the severity of childhood trauma.

The amygdala may have a reduced size as well, but this has not been scientifically proven at this time. The amygdala is another limbic system structure strongly correlated with an emotional response to the environment, particularly anger and rage.

Archives of General Psychiatry, December 2000.

Int J Psychophysiol 2004 Jun;53(1):57-70
"Effects of BPD features and a family history of alcohol or drug dependence on P300 in adolescents."
The "P300 amplitude" (a measurement found on a brain wave test - EEG) is associated with BPD symptoms during adolescence.

Psychiatry Res 2004 Jul 30;131(2):125-33
"Anatomical MRI study of BPD patients"
This study also found diminished hippocampal volumes. Putamen enlargement seems to be due to substance use disorders.

Prog Neuropsychopharmacol Biol Psychiatry 2004 Mar;28(2):329-41
"Neurocognitive function in BPD."
Neuropsychological testing implied a dysfunction in the right hemisphere frontotemporal region in BPD individuals.

Psychiatry Res 2004 Jan 1;121(3):239-52
"Neurobiological correlates of diagnosis and underlying traits in patients with BPD compared with normal controls."
Psychological and neurotransmitter testing suggest that serotonin system abnormalities are associated with impulsive traits.

Biol Psychiatry 2004 Apr 1;55(7):759-65 (from Germany)
"A positron emission tomography study of memories of childhood abuse in BPD"
"Dysfunction of dorsolateral and medial prefrontal cortex, including anterior cingulate, seems to be correlated with the recall of traumatic memories in women with BPD. These brain areas might mediate trauma-related symptoms, such as dissociation or affective instability, in patients with BPD."

Curr Psychiatry Rep. 2005; 7(1):65-72
"Neuroimaging and personality disorders"
"Functional and structural studies provide support for dysfunction in fronto-limbic circuits in BPD and APD, whereas temporal lobe and basal striatal-thalamic compromise is evident in schizotypal personality disorder.

Neuroreport 2005; 16(3):289-93
"Distinct pattern of P3a event-related potential in BPD"
"...distinctive disturbances in P3a in (unmedicated) BPD patients were found: abnormally enhanced amplitude, failure to habituate and a loss of temporal locking with P3b."

Dev Psychopathol. 2005; 17(4):1197-206
"Defining the neurocircuitry of BPD: functional neuroimaging approaches"
"Functional neuroimaging...is beginning to identify abnormal frontolimbic circuitry..."

Clin Neurophysiol. 2005; 116(6):1424=32
"BPD features in adolescent girls: P300 evidence of altered brain maturation."
"The present findings suggest abnormal brain maturation among adolescent girls exhibiting features of BPD."

J Psychiatr Res. 2005; 39(5);489-98
"Increased delta power and discrepancies in objective and subjective sleep measurements in BPD"
"BPD patients showed a tendency for shortened REM latency and significantly decreased NonREM sleep (stage 2)...There was a marked discrepancy between objective and subjective sleep measurements, which indicates an altered perception of sleep in BPD."

Am J Psychiatry 2005; 162(12):2360-73
"BPD, impulsivity, and the orbitofrontal cortex"
"The patients with orbitofrontal cortex lesions and the patients with BPD performed similarly on several measures. Both groups were more impulsive and reported more inappropriate behaviors."
(Note: the orbitofrontal cortex is considered part of the limbic system)

Answer 2

There is a support site for both sufferers of BPD and those who love/care for them. www.mjtacc.com

I was diagnosed with severe Borderline Personality Disorder and am now in recovery - no longer meet the criteria.

BPD is NOT who your gf is, it is an illness she suffers from - the same as if she had cancer or any other serious illness. Please do not deal with this on your own, it is painful for both the person with BPD and anyone supporting them.

Three important things to remember:
You can not fix your gf, she has to get the help herself and want to recover (achievable with the right therapy and support)

Secondly, she is not her behaviour. BPD affects the way she thinks, feels and behaves but that does not mean that she is the person she appears to be.

And finally, every person in the whole world meets different parts of the BPD criteria at any time BUT, it is the intensity and frequency of the behaviours that result in a diagnosis of BPD.

Recovery is a long and difficult road but without support and a commitment to getting better it's even longer. The best thing to do is to get as much information as possible and decide what is best for you - stay and support or leave? You are the only one who can make that decision.

Best of luck to you and your girlfriend

Answer 3

I have BPD and I can tell you that it is excruciatingly painful. Anything she interprets as a threat of abandonment is literally felt as a threat to her very life and she will react as if there is a gun to her head.

If her fear of abandonment is not being triggered, she may be able to function at normal levels. If you love her and want to be with her, you need to learn her triggers and be committed to avoiding them. She needs consistency and reassurance.

BPD may be a part of who she is, but it is not who she is. If you don't have any major issues of your own (addictions, mental issues) this is probably something you can work through.

What exactly is she doing that is driving you crazy? What triggered it?

Answer 4

Accept that it's not a thing she will ever 'get over.' It may soften with counselling (maybe try talking to her about this) but it is part of who she is. You've either got to deal with it or, if you can't, let her go early on. She needs someone who accepts it or else it could drive her nuts too.

Answer 5

BPD is really hard to deal with, especially if you were just diagnosed. You need to be there to support her but also let her know how much it is affecting you, in a gentle way.

Answer 6

How do you know she has that?