can you help with my sons behavioral problems age 4?

Question

My little boy is a nightmare. I have always brought him up to have manners, he is not allowed to watch garbage on telly, he has no e-numbers, he is put into time out, ignored for bad behavior, praised when he is being good, talked to and still he is a very difficult. He shouts at me, used his "own" swear words, smacks me and his father, screaches, and is generally very very hard work. I am at the end of my teather! Each day is a countdown to bedtime and i just don't want his childhood to be a bad memory to him! When he is good (not very often, and usually before illness) He is excellent. Help!!

SARAH K. i am sorry... i think you are a little too BLUNT for my liking. you do not know the ins and outs and if you DID know me... you would say i am doing everything the right way. I have another child who i would class as normal.. of course from time to time she also has her tantrums, its to be expected but i have always disaplined my little boy and have NEVER given up. And yes, time out does sometime last and HOUR or over... so please ask before you judge!!!

Answer 1

Is this behavior new or has it been long going? Have there been any recent changes in his life? Is your family under stress (new move, new school, family issues, new sibling)? Does he have reason to feel so angry? If so, he could be acting out to feel powerful, gain attention, and feeling out of control because he is confused. If you feel this is the case, he may need some extra love and support.

Using natural and logical consequences whenever possible work best when disciplining children. Taking away a toy or privileges when a child misbehaves is not a natural or logical consequence. Taking away a toy if a child throws it is logical. A toy breaking and going into the trash if a child is destructive with it is a natural consequence. These are some other examples of natural and logical consequences. If a child makes a mess, they clean it. If they break something, they put it in the trash and no one can use it. If they tare something up, they put it in the trash and maybe do some things around the house to pay off the damages. If they want to run wild or scream, give them a place where they can vent. Always try and let the “punishment” fits the crime.

Something else you can try when he is misbehaving is this. As soon as he misbehaves, get down to his level and say "I don't like when you (I explain what and why)." Take him gently by the hand and put him in a spot away from any distractions and say "When you're ready to (control yourself, listen, behave) then you can come back with us." This is not a time out because you are not setting a time limit (you controlling him). Leave it up to him and let him return when he is ready to control himself. Many children become even angrier when put into a time out because they feel even more powerless. It makes a world of difference, especially with difficult children, to put the power into their hands!

I believe that he is hitting to get is doing this to get a reaction from you and his father. The best thing to do when he does this to you is to say “No hitting! That hurts! If you are choosing to hurt me I don’t want to play with you.” Walk away from him. He will not like you ignoring him. When he is gentle with you, tell him “I like to be with you when you don’t hurt me.” Be consistent with him. If he hurts another person or his father, go to that person and empathize. “Oh no! I bet that hurt! Let’s get some ice to put on that.” The injured person should also tell your son that they don’t want to be around him if he hurts. I would also empathize with your son after a hitting incident. "You must have felt very (angry, mad, hurt, frustrated) when you hit me. What can you do next time instead?" Do some problem solving with him to give him some ideas. He will learn to express his feelings rather than hit.

As for the cussing and raising his voice, do your best to model good behavior. He has possibly learned this behavior somewhere else. If you know the source of this, do your best to keep him away from it. I would ignore the cussing and loud voice. When he does this, either walk away or put him into a quiet area and say “When you’re ready to (choose better words, use a soft voice) then you can come out.” Again, put the power into his hands. Do not set a time limit (time out) or he will. You can do this anytime he misbehaves if you cannot find a fitting logical or natural consequence

I know you love him and want his to be happy, but many make the mistake of wanting their child to “like” them. If this sounds like you, it will be difficult for him to learn to respect you as a parent. When children do not respect their parents, the parents have no control of them and the child feels they do not have a "safety net" (strong parents who can set and stick by a limit provide a safety net). Children scream for limits! It sounds like he may be screaming for a limit.

Notice your son when he is not misbehaving. He is feeling powerful when he hurts and he is getting attention for it. Help him to feel powerful in positive ways by saying things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can climb! You can run super fast! You used so many colors on that picture! You did that by yourself!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders and will help him to feel powerful in a positive way.

Here are a few books I recommend for you:

Children: The Challenge by Rudolf Dreikers
Presents no-nonsense advice and techniques for dealing with many misbehaviors using natural and logical consequences.

P.E.T. Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon
Addresses issues of family communication, conflict resolution, and raising responsible children without shame or punishment.

Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Very good for “strong willed” children. Provides specific tool to work with “spirited” children.

Redirecting Children’s Behavior by Kathryn J. Kvols
Provides many techniques to guide families to become close, cooperative, and respectful. Provides great ways to set limits in positive ways. Helps solve the “mystery” of why children misbehave.

This website has some great articles. Check it out!
http://www.earlychildhoodnews.com/earlychildhood/articles.aspx?ArticleID=167

Best of luck to you and your family! I hope you can find some peace.

Answer 2

Have you had him tested for Autism? I know that sounds like a scary thing but 1 in 150 children (latest statics from the AMA) have some form of Autism. The big debate is if it comes from the DPT shots we give them at 2? (It's been a while mine are 17, 16, 15, and 13). My 15 year old son was diagnosed with Asperger's Disorder- which is an Autistic Spectrum Disorder - at the age of 8 after a 5 year battle with the doctor who insisted he was ADD. Let me ask you this - does he have any repetitive behaviors like pacing, rocking, hand shaking, repeating the same sentence over and over, insists on watching the same movie, is a picky eater?
The key word is behavioral (Autism) which differs from learning (ADD).
I know you might not want to think - no one wants to think - that anything is wrong with our child that cannot be fixed with love or a new method of discipline - but now while he is young and not too late - start the battle. Take him to the doctor and get to the root of it.

Answer 3

I think he is very clever, this is where his frustration comes from. Try getting him stuff that really challenges him. I think people assume just because a child is misbehaving their is something wrong.
As a Foster Carer I always found the naughty ones are the clever ones.
"Brought up to have manners"? "Time out"? I'm sure you put, he is FOUR!!! I think you are trying too hard. have some fun .
You do not have to teach your son good manners, it is very easy, have good manners yourself and this will flow through I promise.
If you want your children to cross the road properly, cross the road properly yourself. It is simple, but it is not easy.
Being a good parent is very hard, being a perfect one is impossible. I wish you well. Terry.

Answer 4

Punishment is not any thank you to assist your new child advance. while you're completely centred on punishment, depriving, and not guiding him to ideal activiites, praising him whilst he acts as you like, giving him sufficient time and interest (a minimum of quarter-hour of each and every waking hour, you're able to be engaged in one on one activity with him, maximum led by potential of him) then you definately've created this situation. he's not born understanding a thank you to act. Now, video games reason those forms of problems, so if he's so into them which you employ them as punishment, he could be negatively laid low with them. He wouldn't have any video sport time in any respect at 4 years previous. they're undesirable, undesirable undesirable for his innovations. A 4 three hundred and sixty 5 days previous can't get a analysis of ADHD from any respected scientific expert. Get the e book "a thank you to talk So little ones Will pay attention and pay attention so little ones Will talk." this is a spectacular software and you will see immediately in case you basically have not been parenting for discipline in an effective sufficient way or if he's have been given some form of organic and organic situation. yet another component to evaluate, is he raised by potential of you at residing house, or does he spend maximum of his time in daycare? this could reason large problems such as you describe.

Answer 5

If he is an only child, get off his back. The adults are focusing on him overly.

Rather than don't this, don't that. When he is quiet, say I WANT YOU TO...............whatever it is you want. Then a simple thanks for that and a quick hug, not over the top THAT's BRILLIANT. Every day is a new day, and it's a phase, a long phase, but a phase.

At the risk of a thumbs down, I'm a sceptic to whether ADSA or whatever it's called even exists.

When you say no, FLAMING WELL MEAN NO, and don't change your mind, as he'll learn pester power.

Answer 6

It's most likely that you are being too strict on him. Most children will notice if their parents treat them differently than their friends' parents do, and will want more privileges.

He's 4, so it's a good idea to try and teach him to behave before it becomes part of him. If it's too late, you'll find yourself struggling as he grows older.

Teach him not to shout at you. Explain to him that shouting is bad. If you really are having trouble, show him that he's really very lucky to be with you. Teach him about starving children in other parts of the world, and parents who beat their children, if you must. (Softly, please.)

I hope this helps.

(P.S. Like the others have said before me, if it doesn't subside, take him to the doctor to get checked out.)

Answer 7

im 16, and i have raised my little brother. i don't really have a problem with him because he is very well behaved, but i would most defiantly try the step. i have found that ''timeout'' has not worked with me. so if you do have a step, you get down to his level and put him on the 2nd step on the stair case and say you need to stay here until you are finished being not nice and make him apoligize, and if he keeps acting crazy make sure you keep putting him there. also, change your voice, make sure he no's you are not kidding around, hope this helps!

Answer 8

4 years old is way too young to think about ADHD. You could always talk to your family Dr, pediatrician or call your local Partnership for children and/or Family Resource Center. There is free help available through the community!
Also-remember that too much attention is not a good thing. A child needs lots of love and praise but a 4 year old should be able to play in his room by himself for at least 30 min without needing attention.
There are also a few good books you may need. They worked wonders in my house!

The Strong willed child By Dr James Dosbson
http://www.amazon.com/New-Strong-Willed-Child-Workbook/dp/1414303823/ref=pd_sim_b_2_img/104-4919067-0030360

The Explosive Child By Dr Greene
http://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/006077939X/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-4919067-0030360?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1192387150&sr=1-1

Six Point Plan by Dr John Roseman
http://www.amazon.com/John-Rosemonds-Six-Point-Plan-Children/dp/0836228065/ref=pd_sim_b_1/104-4919067-0030360

Best of Luck! Every child is different. Time outs, rewards, etc... does NOT work for all children. I got soooo tired of people telling me my son was spoiled when I knew good and well I did NOT spoil him!! I did learn how to discipline better (The Strong willed child) although I have always disciplined & gave lots of positive praise, I was in fact giving him too MUCH constant adult attention.(Dr John Rosemand helped me realize that) I also learned how to understand him better (Thanks to "The explosive child")

One thing I would certainly tell you is when he swears at you to calm him down, then talk to him (maybe later when he calms down) tell him he is not to use those rude words but give him some words to use. tell him he needs to say "Im frustrated, or Im upset or whatever. and then acknowledge those feelings. Say "I am very sorry you are upset, you cannot stay up late tonight" Your sticking with the rules, but by saying you are sorry-it lets him know he is at least being heard. every one needs to feel they are being heard.

all the books were helpful to me but If you don't want to get all three I would suggest getting "The strong willed child" especially if your son seems very determined to do it HIS way and very stubborn & was born that way!
I would get "the explosive child" if your son does not understand or gets very upset when things do not go the way he wants or how he thought they were going to go. some kids don't know how to "switch gears" and have to accept something different from what they thought was going to happen.

Best of luck and God Bless!!!!

Answer 9

Lets look at this.


You are doing everything right and he is still learning how to behave.

Stick with it and he will get there.

Let him be a child, he will not grow out of this untill he is ready.

Don't get sucked into the ADHD industry.

Answer 10

If you are REALLY disciplining, then you wouldn't have these issues. Just because you sit him in time out, and he gets up, that DOES NOT count. If he is put in time out and gets up, time out starts over. that means he could sit there for an hour until he actually sits there for 4 minutes.
He HITS you? Are you kidding? ?Disciplined children do not continuously hit.
you need to be consistant. i realize there are children who have issues. But they can be fixed if they are ACTUALLY disciplined.
I have a two year old who has tried ONCE to hit me and that NEVER happened again. nor does she use bad language. You can write everything that you are doing, but you need to actually do it!
Sorry to be so blunt!