How should I respond to nosy adoption- related questions in front of my children?

Question

My children were adopted internationally and are a different race then my husband and me. People often come up to us, and ask questions about our children while they're sitting right there. While some are totally innapropriate, others are just curious, but not things I think should really be shared with strangers or anyone really unless they chose to share it when they're older.
My question is, how should I respond when someone asks a personal question about their adoption. I definetly don't want to share informaton that belongs to my children, but I don't want to say "that's none of your bussiness!", and make my kids think the story of their birth and adoption is shameful, and not something they can ever discuss.
Adoptive parents, how do you handle this, and adoptees, how would you want this handled from a child's perspective? My sons are both too young to ask their opinions now, but the oldest will soon be able to understand what people are talking about.

"Burnedby..", my children were not adopted from China. Under the circumstances they were born, their firstmothers were unable to raise them. They chose intern. adoption, they could have chosen to have them in an orphanage incase they were eventually able to care for the, but knew this wasn't possible.
We did a lot of research before adopting, but it sounds like you haven't, at least reguarding China adoptions.
Children, are separated from their families because of strict population control laws. If a woman is found pregnant with a 2nd child she is strongly encouraged or forced to have an abortion. Placing a child for adoption is illegal in China, mothers who chose not to abort must carry their baby in secret and leave her at a church or public area in hopes that she will be cared for by another family. Is this sad, ofcourse, but now the only choice for the child is to remain in an orphanage or adoption. Adoption is not the cause of this, but is an option in an difficult situation.

Answer 1

There is an article on Informed Adoption Advocates that talks about this very question, and gives different responses to the most common nosy questions ask about international adoptees. You can read it here - http://www.informedadoptions.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=116&Itemid=31

As an adoptive parent, I try to give just enough to shut the people up while still respecting my childrens privacy and their feelings at being in the spotlight. As an adoptee I also believe respecting the children's privacy and feelings is #1. I didn't get a lot of attention from strangers since mine was not a transracial adoption, but the children at school knew my mother was actually my grandmother and I got a lot of questions. I usually lied about myself to shut them up. I don't condone lying in front of the kids about their stories, as it might confuse them or make them feel their story is shameful, I'm just pointing out how embarrassing and hurtful it is as a young adoptee to face all of the unwanted attention and questions when people know you're an adoptee.

Answer 2

My answer to this is probably different from most adoptive parents, but here goes:

I have two daughters, both adopted internationally, both are a different race from me and my husband. The youngest is elementary school age, the oldest is middle school age. I have always answered any questions that were merely curious in front of them.

No, I didn't give away tons of personal information, but I did answer the questions. Why? Two reasons:

1) I believe that there is a lot of misunderstanding about adoption and those misunderstandings are not helpful to my children. I believe that the more people understand how adoption really works, and what it really is, the less prejudice there will be about adoption.

2) My kids will, sooner or later, have to field nosy questions on their own. In fact, it's happening to them already. They need a good role model who is not afraid of the topic, and who can answer a question with grace and aplomb, still knowing what is too personal to discuss, and what is appropriate for general consumption.

My oldest is now almost a teenager. She has no problems with this. In fact, she's been known to join in and answer a question of two of her own. She sees nothing to be embarrassed about. And this is from a kid who finds EVERYTHING else I do embarrassing!!!

Anyway, I know this is not a common viewpoint, but I have found it works. At least for me.

Mind I don't talk to people who say anything truly offensive. But I do allow leeway for people who don't speak English well (for example, recent immigrants from the country where I adopted my kids) who sometimes ask things in ways that might be offensive, unless you realize that it's mostly not knowing how to say it politely in English. But I don't answer questions from people who are intentionally rude.

But if people are asking for information, I say, give them information. I've asked some pretty dumb stuff, too, in my lifetime. And I've become wiser and more knowledgabe because of kind people who were not easily offended. And it's better than letting people figure it all out themselves. We've seen enough stupid tv plots around adoption to know where that kind of ignorance leads!!!

Good luck!

Answer 3

Just politely tell them that you chose to adopt children from another country because you wanted to help a child. Yes there are children here in america but you felt that international was the way for you to go. You do not love your children any less because they happen to be a different race and yes your children understand or will understand they come from a different culture and can have the best of both worlds. By no means should you children ever be ashamed of where they come from but proud to have a family who loves them and is open and honest.

Answer 4

First, remember you do no longer owe all and sundry any clarification with regard to the way you and your husband stay. as long as you're retaining your guy or woman and not asking the family contributors for money, this is none of their business enterprise rather. An grownup could be waiting to easily incorporate their burning interest and comprehend whilst they're crossing the line. Asking the place you paintings is friendly small talk, it quite is optimal. basically with politeness respond "i do no longer paintings." in the event that they ask why, they're being intrusive and you could basically respond with a shrug "i do exactly no longer." As for the little ones component, basically respond with a grin "it rather is btwn John and that i" (regardless of hubby's call is). you could constantly say "we've desperate to no longer" yet that opens the door for yet another barrage of questions to which you would be able to respond "We basically are not." end of tale. (i'm 31 and don't prefer little ones and that i'm getting this aaaaalll the time)

Answer 5

It depends on the question. Sometimes I openly share if it's a non intrusive question. This possibly gives me an opportunity to educate someone about adoption and it demonstrates to my son that there is nothing shameful about adoption.

If the question is intrusive or otherwise inappropriate I have a couple standard responses. "That information is private but I can recommend an adoption professional if you would like general information" or simply "That information is personal and private"

Sometimes people ask about my son's mother and circumstances surrounding his relinquishment. I tell them "That is my son's story and his to share when with whom he chooses"

Answer 6

As a child I'd had being the subject of a discussion when I was sitting right there! whether it was about adoption or not

Answer 7

oh...this is tough & I have been on both sides of this! I was adopted (as an infant) and we are also foster parents. People (not who know us well) will see us out & think...hmmm, she wasn't pregnant last time I saw her?? While I am carrying a newborn, or registering a new child for soccer. I usually say "We can chat about it later" and it usually never comes up again. One time we had a boy with us (another race) and someone was very persistent in questioning, just overly curious I suppose. I finally said "Please stop asking...my husband is still convinced he's HIS!!" All of my real friends around us laughed & she walked off turning 8 shades of red...I couldn't resist!!! :)

Answer 8

I would tell them that you would like to discuss it later, or if its a stranger and somebody you don't want to discuss it with, just let them know that your sorry, but thats kind of a personal question. I think you'll be surprised at how many people will be alright with it, and won't take it personally.

Answer 9

As your children grow up and start asking questions be honest with them. Tell them things like even though they were born by a different mother in country x (name the country they were born in) and they have different colored skin than you and your husband, your still a family no different than any other family out there and that you love them regardless.

Explain to them, in simple terms, that other people will be mean, downright rude or curious as to why they look so different than, and that these differences are to be embraced and celebrated, not ridiculed and questioned.

As far as strangers, if they are genuinely curious, tell them they are your children from (insert country.) If they are mean or hateful, tell them none of your business and keep going about your business.

Answer 10

I would tell them that each of my children is special and they are here with me because we have a special bonding exclusively to parents and child. From a child's perspective, you should tell the child you are special. You know, other parents dont have a choice about their son or daughter, they just have to accept the child coming to them, but to you and your child, you are really special, because you have a choice and I choose you!!! You are more special then those real child, you are chosen.