Could someone please give me some advice about what to do with my little sister?

Question

Hey everybody!
My name is Mariana and I have a big of a problem to solve so I was hoping that someone could give me some advice...
I'm 29 years old, my parents died 4 years ago in a car crash so I was declared the legal guardian of my baby sister (Matilde) (she was 2 years old then)...
Now she is 6... she calls me "mommy" and to her my fiancé is "daddy" (he's ok with that... we're dating for 5 years now plus we are friends since I was 11...) I'm a bit confused and I really don't know what to do... I want to tell her that I'm not "mommy" but I don't know How and When? ...should I tell her now or should I wait a couple of years until she is big enough to understand... I just don't want her to suffer... I want her to know the truth she deserves that... I want her to be happy above all I love her more than anything...

Help me please... what should I do?!
Thank you so much!
Mariana

I talked about this with my bf and we decided to start telling her that we're not her parents... :( it was a matter of time until she called one of us...when Matilde called my bf I panicked...but we had made a decision... it was the better for her. So I calmly talked to her...I tried to explain and answer some of her questions the simpliest way...gosh... she was looking at me...listening intently and then she just started crying compulsively... my world fell apart at that very moment! I am not used to seeing her cry it pains me a lot... And now I really am afraid that I may have messed everything! I'm feeling terribly right now... I'm so sorry to bother you people...it may sound way to sentimental... but it was so hard to calm her down and put her to sleep after that "tantrum"... I'm starting to think I made a huge mistake when I let her start calling us mommy and daddy! Now it's to difficult for all of us... omg i just want a hole to hide on...

Thanks to all of you! You're great!

Answer 1

it may seem like she doesn't understand now, but she DOES.
you don't need to tell her about your parent's death, but tell her that you are not "mommy", you are "sissy". if you wait until she is older, she will be so used to calling you mommy that she won't wanna change! so tell her now that your name is "sissy", not "mommy". you are a very sweet sister and I wish you the best<3

Answer 2

Gosh, I'm so sorry for your loss. What an ordeal. I don't know at what age to tell her. You wouldn't want her to hear the news from someone else, and that's likely to happen if you live in the same town as before. I'd do a little research on the recommended age that adopted children are told and also how to tell children about death. Essentially, you are her mommy because you certainly care for her as if she was your child. Always tell her that she's a special child and loved by you and you fiance. If you have a picture of your Mom and Dad, I'd bring that out and use the picture as a starting point. I don't think you have to go into a lot of detail. Tell her you are actually her sister, but you are her substitute mom, too, because Mommy and Daddy are in heaven. If she asks why, you can tell her that their was an accident and that they died. If she asks why, tell her you don't know why some things happen like that, but they do. Tell her you love her. Give her some time to think about it and they try to draw her feelings out. You should be very proud of yourself. God bless.

Answer 3

I think it is great that you have taken on that responsibility. The best thing to do is try to correct her and remind her that you are sis not mommy or try having her call you mommy-sis or something like that. Also if you have a picture of your mom keep it in a place that you will see alot and let her know that that is mommy and she is in heaven watching over you. When she gets a little older you can explain the details. I wish I had known who my real parents were when I was younger. It hurt more to know they lied to me than anyting else. When she gets older and understands if she chooses to still call you mom then let her. I wish you the best of luck and many blessings.

Answer 4

This is from a guy. I was adopted when I was 2 yrs. My adopted mother didn't tell me that I was adopted until I was 16 I beleive that it is up to you when you tell your baby sister the truth but you should do it in a way that wont hurt her. I would say wait a few more years like you were thinking. It is also up to you if you would like her to keep calling you mommy. You could try to teach her to call you something else like aunt or sis if you you want. But like I said it is up to you when you tell her the truth. I really hope that it gets easier for you. I'm sorry to hear about your parents.

Answer 5

i have a 5yr old niece, and she is pretty smart. So, i think your 6yr old sister is smart enough to understand what you're saying somewhat. Tell her now that you two are sisters and that you have the same mom and dad but they're in heaven now. Let her know that if she wants, she can still call you mommy or she can call you Mariana, assuming you don't mind. Anyway, let her know now so that it gets embedded in her brain so when she really understands later, it won't be such a shock. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

Most important are your baby sister's feelings - not whether she knows the technical truth. But... you can't shelter her from the truth for very much longer either- you may want to prepare her for when someone else tells her you're not her "real" mom and potentially breaks her little heart if she doesn't already know the truth.
I would tell her that she used to have another mommy who loved her very much, who was your mommy too! and since you loved her so much, it was really sad when she died, but now you get the chance to be Matilde's mommy too, and that makes you really happy! She's very lucky that she got to have two mommies who love her very much. and you get to love her in two ways since you're her sister too! If anyone ever tells her you're not her real mom, she shouldn't worry about that because you actually are a real mom to her - her real 2nd mommy.
It may seem kind of weird sometimes to be considered her mom, but try to let yourself get used to it, because you really are now. :)

Answer 7

Oh man. 6 is awfully young. I think I would wait till she is 8 or 9. I have a 8 year old and she is pretty mature and understands a lot of what goes on and she listens to people talk. You just have to be ready for all the weird and uncomfortable questions you are going to have to answer. Make sure she knows how much you love and care for her. She will respect you and love you for what you have done for her. Good Luck.

Answer 8

You could tell her the truth but reassure her in telling her she can keep on calling you mommy and your fiance daddy and that you both love her like a mommy and daddy do.

Usually, children only take in the information they understand so if it's too complicated now, she'll just take in what she is able to comprehend now and throughout the years you can talk a little more about your parents to her so she takes it in gradually and nothing becomes too upsetting.

Answer 9

That's a really sad story, I feel for your sister. And at the same time, I wish you're my older sister too. You must be really sweet to her, that made her call you mommy.

How about let her do what she wants for a couple more years, or at least when she's old enough to actually worry about stuff. OR you could say, "Im your sister baby" everytime she calls you mommy.

Who knows, you could do her good for not telling to early, or you could be breaking her heart. Good luck.

Answer 10

Tell her now. That would be weird when shes older to say that she doesn't have a mom that her mom is really her sister to her friends. You shouldn't have let her believe you were her mom in the first place in less you planned on raising her until shes older. If i were you i would tell her now so that she knows that sooner or later you wouldn't be able to look after her.

Answer 11

I think at six you can start to explain the situation to her. Keep the conversation simple start by telling her about your mommy, show her pictures and let her get to know about her. You dont want to scare her by telling her about their death when she is too young to understand. Just introduce her to their memory and who they are to you. you can go over actual relations when she is a bit older. sorry for your loss congratz on taking such good care of your little sis.