How do i cope with the loss of my brother???

Question

In 2004 at the age of 20 my older brother was diagnosed with sarcomas cancer but took it like the man he was, late 2005 he went into remission but in march 2006 he took a turn for the worse he was told he only had 6-12 months to live, sadly just 2 months later at the age of 22 on May the 14th 2006(mothers day) he passed in his room at home.
The day i got home from work and was told my brother only had so little time 2 live my life changed forever, i started using marijuana everyday 2 block out all thoughts about life without him, and to this day have smoked marijuana at least once a day, at times ive smoked an ounce over 3-4 days just to block out thoughts. Im really scared that its going to ruin my life and i know my brother wouldnt want me doing what im doing. So am looking for all suggestions, (my family and friends know i smoke marijuana but knowone at all in my life is aware of the amounts i smoke or the reason). Plese HELP u may save my life...

My brothers girlfriend just gave birth 2 another baby in feb this year but kept it a secret from us(we even saw her at 4 months and nothing was said and she wasnt showing) beacause the baby is not my brothers and she thought we would hate her(u do the maths)we did not find out about the baby until june this year when we went to visit my nephew. Founding out about the baby was pretty hard, and its difficult seeing my nephews mother with some1 else(she was with my brother for 5 years and they had 1 son) i didnt expect her to stay single forever but surprised at how fast she had moved on(i know she still loves my brother, and i will forever be grateful to her for bringing my nephew into this world)
You say my brothers in a better place but there is no better place to be than with your family which is where my he should be. Not in heaven watching over us, here on earth guiding us....
But thank u all so much for the suggestions and comments they are very much appreciated...

Answer 1

First off, it's great that you are opening up to someone. Even if it is online, being able to talk about it to someone is great. You need to figure out what you are trying to block. What memories are you trying to block? If you keep trying to get rid of them, then you won't be able to remember even him later on. That's something to keep in mind.
Secondly, life will go on. He may have been an important person in your life, but there are others who are hurting just as much. I'm sure your parents and/or other siblings feel bad as well. It's horrible that he only had that long to live, but perhaps if you are able to get off the marijuana, you could do some things for him. Like start a foundation in his name to help cancer, or go visit cancer kids. Something that would make him proud. I can guarantee that if you did something for him, it would make you feel better. Instead of living without him, live through him.

Let him be remembered for this great guy that you say he was, rather than allowing people the time to forget.

Answer 2

First, I do not know how you feel. Nobody does. They can only know how they felt or think that they would feel. I sympathize with you. When someone that you love dies, it leaves a hole in your life, Something that was there is missing. Nothing will ever exactly fit that hole. You get used to the way that things are eventually. Looking at books for "advice" is not really all that productive. There are grief Councillor and religious leaders who are far better and more personal in comforting one who is troubled by this kind of thing. I work on trying to be the best person that I can to honor the memory of the one that I lost. I am trying to give the love and compassion to the world that two would have given.

Answer 3

I know how you must feel. I didn't have a brother or a sister. But i lost my dad when i was really young. It will be 15 years this November and it hurts to this day. The important thing to remember while you hurt is that there is no fixed time period to grieve over the loss of someone so special. Your pain is like your thumbprint. its unique to you. and no one can tell you how long its OK for you to grieve. So don't be in any hurry to get over it because the pain, though it may seem unbearable now, will ease up in time.

If you are a religious person then I strongly suggest prayer. nothing in particular. Just normal chats with God can help us get through tough times like these. It's worth a shot.

I wont lie to you and say that the pain will go away someday. because it never really leaves you completely. but i can tell you that it gets easier to live with in time. all you have to give it is time.

while you wait, remember your brother in life. and the good times you shared with him. who knows, the answer you're looking for to help you cope, will be there.

dont do weed. you deserve better than that. your brother didn't choose to have a disease. you're asking for it. and you owe it to yourself and to your bro to celebrate the life you were blessed with. dont throw it away or waste it. life is a gift, not a burden.

Start celebrating.

Answer 4

Find a hobby you really enjoy. Go out with friends. Smoking marijuana won't bring your bother back and nothing you do will. He is in a better place looking over you. Why do something to disappoint him? everything in this world happens for a reason. Life never closes a door without opening another. So just find something you love to do and do it!!! forget about drugs. hope i helped!!! need someone to talk to im me on AIM. x BAM its MyaXx

Answer 5

You are turning to this to help block out thoughts of life so that you do not think of your brother as much, but here is what you are actually doing: You are blocking them out for a short time, and when your mind comes back to normal, the thoughts are stronger and worse. You have not allowed yourself to grieve, and it will continue to get worse until you do so. You will have to let the pain in and deal with it before you will have any peace. Lets put it like this, your mind has to go through all of the stages of your loss before you can rest and accept it. Look at it as: If someone was beating your mother non-stop and after she got the first few bruises, you lit up bc there is nothing you could do about it, while you are out of it, she is still getting beaten, when you come back down, she is MUCH worse than when you lit up. This is how your mind and heart is doing....they are the ones taking the beating, and it is making it worse until you deal with it. If you cannot talk to anyone about it, then go into his room if it is still there and just sit on the bed and absorb it all. If his room is not there, then get something of his or a picture and let your mind and heart go through all of the pain. You just have to let the pain in and deal with it. Allow yourself to cry, get angry, or whatever emotion you would like it to do. Instead of going for weed, go for a beer instead. Why? Because when you are alone and you drink, you think about things more in depth and your feelings are stronger and you can better deal with it than you can with weed. However, do not do it daily so that you become an alcoholic or it would be worse than trying to stop weed. You just have to make yourself vulnerable and weak so that those feelings can come. You have to if you ever want to be able to live your own life again. Your brother is as happy as he can be now and has everything he ever dreamed of and more. God took him and pulled him into the happiest and most peaceful place ever created. He watches you and he comes to see you. He knows what you are doing, and you know how he feels about it. Live your life for your brother. Strive to achieve things that he wanted to achieve himself so that he can see that you are living part of your life for him and doing what he was not able to do. Think of what he would want for you, and live your life by that mixed with what you want for yourself. He would want you to be happy. You have to let go. May God be with you and bless you with all of your needs and wants in life. May He make you strong enough to overcome this pain and understand it in His eyes. May He watch over you and help you stop the wrong things you have been doing, and keep you safe. God Bless You!

Answer 6

we all suffer the pain of loss. it is most painful when it concerns a loved one. Psychological counselors studied the patterns we all go thru everytime we experience loss---stages of grief.

suggest you check this out: http://changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/kubler_ross.htm

and if you can get hold of a copy of A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis, it would be most helpful.

Answer 7

talk about ur problem to ur family, and try gettin professional help. the real professionals will give u the best help n advice, search 4 one, on net or elsewhere, n trust me u gotta do dis, do dis n u may save UR life

Answer 8

The thought of just knowing your brother wouldn't be proud of you, should be enough for you to just STOP!

Stop buying it, stop being around those who sell it.

Find an avenue you know that would make your brother proud!!

Answer 9

An important part of grieving is coming to terms with the knowledge of his death and the impact it has on you. His death is never going to be 'easy', no matter how much you smoke it is a loss you will feel forever. I know, I just lost my brother a little over 2 weeks ago.

It's natural to want to escape when our mind becomes over whelmed with unpleasant realities. But to use pot to cope isn't really coping at all. You are just delaying the process you need to go through, and harming your life in other ways in the meantime.

Grieving is a funny thing, we can be OK and then break down sobbing. It's 'normal' and we need to allow ourselves time to heal as best as we can, which can be different for each person.

My brother and I were very close; almost like what I would imagine a twin connection might be. The loss is so great that I almost immediately thought of suicide. I looked it up on line and came across a site that seemed to make a lot of sense in a spiritual aspect of things. I don't know what your beliefs are as far as spirituality goes, but the gist of it made sense to me. It helped change my way of looking at things.

The beliefs are as follows: We are all here on earth to go through a certain level of learning to be more prepared when we enter the spiritual world. With you being so tormented, your brothers spirit is at risk for remaining 'earthbound' because of his concern for you. They still love and want to protect us, but this can prevent them from moving on to the level they were meant to reach if they hover over us out of worry and concern. Committing suicide would end the lessons YOU were meant to go through here on earth, and rather than be a true escape, suicide would put you in a place that would make you still feel all the pain but have no physical body; therefore rendering you in a state of the constant thinking and pain until the time that your natural death should have occurred, leaving you without the benefit of having a physical body to which you can 'naturally' use to escape at times in order to cope. Such as: talking to others, being with others, getting involved in things that take thinking or engaging your mind with everyday events.

Other family members have to deal with the fact that he is gone, no easy task. But for you to compound this by having them witness you going downhill as a result is just doubling their pain. And, almost selfish to an extent. Perhaps giving them the message that your grief is exclusive and therefore prohibitting them from moving forward.

Give up, or at least cut back on the pot and try to celebrate your brothers life. Try to rejoice in the time you DID share together and covet it like the treasure it is. Realize that you will be reunited one day in spirit. But whereas his path was to enter the spirit world early, your's is to continue here on earth. Try to make the most of it; try to make him proud as if he were still with you; as he most certainly is in spirit.

These are the thoughts I try to remember when the grief seems to be getting a paralyzing hold on me. And the waves of paralyzing hold is normal. If we allow ourselves a measure of happiness, it is by no means a dishonor to those we have lost.

My brother's birthday is coming up in a week and a half. We always celebrated our birthdays together. So I know that is going to be a particular hard day for me, as will Thanksgiving, Christmas......I plan on allowing myself to fall apart in my own way; perhaps not getting out of bed. Or playing his favorite music and sob, or sob over photos. It's all 'normal' to do this. We are always going to have a sense of loss.

For all the pain, if I was giving a choice to have never had him in my life at all, I wouldn't trade it. I value the memories I have, what we have shared, what his place in my life has meant to me. I believe that's what he'd want me to do.

Find other ways to cope besides pot. Sometimes it's necessary to seek help through other means. Nothing is more earth-shattering than the death of a loved one; especially a pre-mature death. Realize that it won't happen over night, or in a year's time...but we are meant to move forward as best as we can. It's the ONLY way to honor that person. If the thought of giving up the crutch of pot is too over-whelming to do at once, than wean yourself. Realize it really isn't blocking your thoughts of living life without your brother, but just detouring them, and prolonging the process you need to go through.

Get a book on grief, pick it up and read instead of lighting a joint. Start small if you have to. But set a goal to work at eradicating the pot from your life so that you can start living the way your brother would want you to. Best of luck and God Bless.