Parenting Advice - 9 yr old and adult web sites?

Question

Well, we had an eventful day. Our son was caught loading up adult web sites at his grandparents house. When he came home, my wife and I discussed what was going on. We come to find out that one of his 'friends' had shown him adult web sites at another one of his friends houses.
A review of my son's computer showed that he has visited adult web sites several times over the last few weeks. These are fully graphic images. Needless to say, NetNanny is now installed and blocking everything.
A few thoughts and questions: Is he too young for the birds and the bees discussion? (Or are we too late)
We aren't sure which friend originally showed this to our son and we aren't sure which of his friends have seen the same images. Any advice on those conversations with the parents?
Is this normal for boys this age to be curious? Frankly, we are bothered that he has been loading these sites on his own and even did it at his grandparent's house.
He is a great kid and we wish we could undo this all.

Answer 1

You need to give him the talk. You also need to do some real parenting and not rely on crap like net nanny which is easy to disable.

Answer 2

Your son is a great kid. Seeing some pictures of naked people doesn't change this. It is very normal for a nine year old boy to be curious about sex and human sexuality.

It is not new or rare for preteen boys to show each other pornography. (When I was nine, it was pages from magazines, not websites.) Young children wonder about all sorts of grownup secrets—what happens late at night after bedtime, money, driving, sex...it's to be expected. Sometimes they end up getting answers a little more informative than would be best.

At this point, it's essential that you have a birds-and-bees talk with him. You are not too late, but you definitely know he has stuff to hear. Talk to him about love, sex, procreation, enjoyment, morality and pornography. It might not fit into one talk; that's fine.

As for talking to parents, I don't have much advice there. I'm not sure much is necessary—what you don't know, you don't know. You might make a point to casually mention that you installed filtering, thinking it was a good idea as your son got older to keep that stuff from coming up.

That being said, the filter doesn't do much. It's on your computer, not his eyes or brain. What's more important is to teach him so he understands about sex.

Again: if he's a great kid, he's a great kid. Seeing pornography doesn't change that. Don't doubt him for a second.

Answer 3

First, realize that your son is probably mortified!! While it's good that you've installed protection on the computer I wouldn't bash him about being curious. Be firm and then let it go. He is at the perfect age for the "talk" and the fact that he's seen these images makes it clear that he already has certain knowledge though probably not full understanding. Have a talk with him and let him ask questions. Since he's very aware of the mechanics of things, this would be a good time to talk about the morality issues as well. As far as other parents are concerned, just quietly get the word out that this happened. I wouldn't worry about finding the kid that started it all, just let the parents know what happened and let them know to be on the lookout themselves. That's really as far as that should go. You said it yourself, he's a great kid. He's just curious. Be real and let him know what's appropriate. Good luck :)

Answer 4

Obviously, he is NOT too young for the "birds and bees" talk. You need to start talking to him!!! He'll be in jr high in a few years and it's not unheard of for 13 year old to get pregnant and you don't want your son to be a father at 13. I wouldn't accuse any others parents of it being THEIR kid that started it all. I'd just tell them what you know...that your son has been viewing these websites and that he said that he saw them with their child and they may want to install netnanny or whatever. I'd leave it at that as far as other parents are concerned. Yes, it's perfectly normal for boys to be curious, but they don't need to be looking at porn. That's good that you installed a blocking program, but you may want to monitor what he's looking at on the net also. You don't say, but he should not have a computer in his room and he should only be allowed to use the computer with your supervision. There are too many issues with the Internet.....predators, etc. that he may not be aware of right now.

Answer 5

I have had the same problem with my now 15 yr old son. I believe having him talk to someone would be the best. He may hold some resentment against his father for leaving and his taking it out on you. I think he may need an outlet. Sounds as if he is holding all his anger inward. I have been a single mother for a very long time. My son is 15 and thinks is the man of the house now. I have to constantly remind him that he is not. As your son gets older he may even try to protect you as a father would, screening your guy friends; as my son does. I have come to learn that boys are very funny in that they are very protective and they also still need a male figure to talk to. There are some things they just need a male in there life to talk things over with that they think we mother's won't understand. I also have a 13 yr. daughter. My son and I have gone toe to toe. I believe he thinks he is the man of the house now since there is no man and he can get away with more and he has bent up anger. I believe it can't hurt to have your son to talk to someone to let him know he did nothing wrong. He may blame himself. God, I hope not, but kids tend to do that.

Answer 6

You aren't too late he's probably really curious, but you definitely need to talk to him. If he didn't think he was doing any wrong, then he wouldn't think it was wrong to do it at grandma's house. Obviously you don't want his sex education to strictly come from the website images he's seen. I think you need to ask him what he thinks of the images and if he has any questions (I think this part should be a father son thing as maybe he'll be more open). It could be something he thinks is weird and funny, or he could think it's something he's thinking he wants to keep looking at because he really likes it. Definitely a birds and bees talk is in order (I think with mom and dad) and then maybe you can get it out of your son who all has been viewing the images. Who has he shown them to, and who showed them to him. I think it's normal to be curious, even really curious, but it's how you approach it that will really count. Will he be one of the boys who act on their sexuality so young, or is it just a passing thing.... Just be loving and not explosive or angry.

Answer 7

I would be a concerned as well as you are. I would definately discuss this with the other boys parents to allow them to speak with their children. As far as your own this is just a boys curiosity. He is trying to learn although it may be in a crued way. You should have a talk about the bird and the bees with him explaining that this is adult matters and actions and that he must be older to see this or act like that and why. Explain that pregnancy and sickness can result if one is not old enough to know whats going on and do it safely. While you explain that it is dangerous don't scare him either. In my babbling I am just trying to tell you to give him tehinformation he is looking for and encourage him to come to you and your wife if he has any questions and not to seek them on the internet.

Answer 8

Having been a 9 year old boy, I can say that now just might be the right time for the 'talk'.

It's mostly curiosity right now. Not a big problem. Sure, I snuck the Playboy.

Alert the other parents.

My boy is only 7. I am not looking forward to the 'talk'. But I better get ready.

Good luck with your child.

Answer 9

LOL... sorry didn't mean to laugh I caught my son at 8. I didn't know he even knew how to use a computer but he gave me a sex-ed lesson that night. Boy was I late. It seems that masturbation can be done way earlier than i thought. I then knew why he suddenly had a passion for doing laundry. But as far as talking to other parents, it was a mixed reaction so be prepared for people feeling insulted (not my child was the most popular reactions) and a few just laughed. So that's gonna be one road you have to take with your eyes wide open don't be surprised.

Answer 10

Well Im a few years older that him, this is definitly something that not all people do. Talk to him about what he saw, what he thought about it, and how he felt. If he really understands what he saw and what kind of websites these were that you might want to consult a doctor about prescribing a certain type of medication. There is something in the mind that triggers sexual feelings, if it has triggered you need to give him the talk, and talk to a doctor about getting medication. Your son might have more feeling for these women if he continues to look at these sites. The medication controls that part of the mind.
Definatly ground him, not because he did something wrong, but to let him know that ithis is not okay. maybe 2-3 weeks.

Answer 11

Well first off it is perfectly normal for a boy his age to start being curious about sex. He probably already knows how his body reacts to certain thoughts or, in this case, pictures... Or it's possibly they didn't appeal to him at all in a physical way and he was merely curious. What I would suggest you do is talk to your son CALMLY. Don't make him feel like he is in trouble. Don't punnish him or make him feel guilty or ashamed of himself. This could traumatize him, and confuse him about sex and arousal and love and reproduction. If he has seen has been loading these websites and images on his own then it is definitely time to have "the talk" with him before it IS too late. Let him know how you feel about pornography, but also educate him about the things he has shown curiosity for.