I'm starting to resent my 5 year old stepdaughter. How do I stop this?

Question

I married my husband 7 months ago. We dated for a year before we married. He has a five year old daughter from a previous relationship. When we first started dating his daughter and I clicked right away. When we would bring her back to her mom's house on Sunday, she would run back in the car with me. She had to literally be pulled away from me to go back with her mom. However, a few months ago she looked me straight in the face and said "You're not my family." I've had mixed emotions since then. She is very distant now. She's gone from having to be pulled out of my arms to go back with her mom to not even telling me bye when we bring her back. Why? I also found that lately she has a tendency to want to constantly get between me and her father (if we're sitting on the couch together for example). I've started to just walk out of the room and let them be alone. What am I doing wrong? My husband things her mom is putting things in her head. I'm prepared for all answers/possibilities.

Answer 1

Sweetie, I know what it is like to he the kid and now the step parent.

This is pretty simple psychology, but the bottom line is this:

You have the ability to be the grown up here. What I mean is that you are dealing with a 5 year old who wants both of her parents to be together. This really has nothing to do with you. The only thing that you can do to make things good is to always be positive and nice. She WILL come around, even if it is a year from now. If you always are nice and mature even when her biological mother is not, then you will always be the one she will turn to when things really matter.

I hope things go better for you, but remember to always take the higher road. It will also help your relationship with your husband.

Answer 2

Oh boy, have I been there!!!!!!!!!! She is now ten and only has gotten worse. I have been in my step-daughters life since she turned two.

I have been told, that even at a young age, that step children feel that they need to uphold their mother, and by "loving/caring" for the step parent, they may hurt biological parents.

On the other hand the bio-mom is always talking in their ear....
My step daughter will actually try to start us fighting, not to mention the whole sit-between-us act like yours.

As hard is it is try and just ignore it (VERY hard I know) and treat her as you have before (even HARDER given the circumstances). She will eventually grow up and realize the truths (HOPEFULLY, for you AND me). If it gets real bad, talk to your husband and tell him your issues. I did, but he thought because she was little, at the time,it couldn't be intentional. He was wrong). It doesn't matter the age, they KNOW how to work ALL parents involved....
Good luck, because you aren't alone. Been there, done that, still trying!

Answer 3

Well 1st off, please don't forget that she's FIVE YEARS OLD!
Even though her mom is still available to her, & may even be telling her that she loves her deeply every single day, she is still out of the house. From a 5yo's perspective her mom left her.
Now about her behaviour when you & your husband started dating. She was craving female attention for starters. Plus she was courting you in a way.
Now that you have moved in the courtship is now over (in my head I just heard you say "you got that right").
Now she's TESTING YOU!
"Are you going to leave me like my mommy did?"
She learned real quick that she had no control over her mom's decision to leave her, so by god this time SHE'S TAKING CHARGE! Maybe she can't control your decision to stay, but by golly she can sure try to work out when it's time for you to leave.

Yeah maybe her mom has planted a couple of seeds of her own in the childs head. That is typical behaviour in ex's. But just as typical is your step daughters behaviour in this situation. There's an even greater chance that she came up with this behaviour completely on her own. Now please don't interpret this idea like I think that she's an evil conniving child. NO! This is a typical childs reaction to the events that have unfolded before her. Kind of the same as when she chucks her lunch when she's sick, or gets a runny nose when she has a cold. She can't help herself, because she's just trying to protect her world as she knows it.

The best remedy to all of this is:
1) be patient but don't allow her any bad behaviour. Keep discipline in place by not over compensating for her situation.
2) assure her you are not going anywhere soon. Offer her lots of love, & above all DON'T GIVE UP on that just because she pushes you away. When she pushes away from you then let her go for now, but be ready to offer her more affection at the next oppourtunity.
3) keep up with the same demonstrations of affection that she saw when you and your husband were 1st dating. Not only will it be lot's of fun for you & hubby, but it will give her added assurance that you are there for the long haul.

Don't lose faith, & I hope you pass the test! :-)

Answer 4

Don't presume that it's the ex-wife just yet. I think she sees you as someone who is replacing her mom. I think she's realised that you're not just a babysitter, or a friend - you're a mother figure to her, and she doesn't like that because she still loves her mom. You'll have to talk to her mom and see hwo she reacts. If yo utell her the situation, and her attitude is either sour or really happy, then she probably is putting things in her head, and maybe you should get your husband to talk with his kid. Just remind her who you are - take her out for ice cream one time, just the two of you, or go to the movies, and play together. Try and be her sister, not her mother.

Answer 5

Those aren't the kind of words a 5yr old uses, obviously someone is putting it in her head. Shame on them for manipulating this little girl. Have some compassion, its not a contest. Do what's right with her, and remain her friend and whatever role your husband wants you to have with her. Your mistake was not setting her straight about the difference between her mother and her stepmother(you). I'm betting that little drama that you allowed to happen really threatened her mother and this is the consequence of your action. Fix it, you owe it to this little girl and her mother.

Answer 6

Don't take it out on the little girl. She has been brainwashed by her Mom. I'm sure the Mom doesn't like the situation at all. In fact, she probably saw herself as the wife after she had his baby. Continue being nice to her. The little girl is probably questioned every time she comes home from your house. You are doing nothing wrong. It is the Mom that is wrong. You need to take the girl aside and tell her that you want her to be your friend and that you like her. Tell her that you two can be secret friends. See what she says.

Answer 7

When I read your question I thought that "You're not my family" doesn't sound like the words of a five year old. Since I'm not a father, I'm not really well acquainted with what a five year old might say, though. I wonder how others see it. It seems to me that her mother may have said to her, "She isn't your family...etc."

Thanks for being honest about your feelings of resentment. I'm sure you realize that she's just five years old and she's caught in the middle of it, and is living the difficult life of a five year old with divorced parents. So your feelings of resentment must be all the more painful. It's because you love your stepdaughter and you are angry with her for seemingly withholding her love from you, right?

I'm also wondering... Have you asked your stepdaughter?

Answer 8

Your husband if probably right. She is being coached.

You have to love her even harder. Forget that she is another woman's child. Remember that she is part of your husband.

When you are sitting next to you husband, call her over, scoop her in your arms and put her between the two of you.

Its called bonding.

she is a 5 yr old child but she can get out of control soon if you don't take charge, but lovingly.

No matter what she is being told, action speaks louder than words, in the end.

Show her that what she is being told is not true. After all you are her legal step mother, just forget the step and you will do fine.

Good luck

Answer 9

of course it's the mother. I am a man in the same situation. No mother wants to see their daughter close to her ex's new woman. The mother will pull every string she can. My wife has gone through it with my daughter too. the truth is you have to grin and bear it. You had to have an idea it wasn't always going to be perfect. Let the kid know you are not trying to replace her mother and tell your husband that he should back you up. The best step mothers hold back and let the daughters come to them. Girls nowadays need every positive role model they can get. be an example for her to follow, not an impediment.

Answer 10

It could be the mom, but it could also as likely be that the daughter has gotten to a point where she is trying to compete with you for her father's attention and has grown jealous. This may just be a phase, but if it continues I would seek out a good family counselor.