how do I lovingly let my son finally grow up at 29, with 3 kids of his own?

Question

He and his wife have been married for 8 years, have 3 kids- 6 & 4 y.o girls and a 6 month old son. Together and apart, they live with and mooch off of all family members. Neither works for more than a month or two at a time. Kids are adorable, but poorly behaved (the oldest has been in 8 schools already, in the 1st grade!) My hubby & I have tried to help and bail them out, tech then how to manage their money, but they always want to do what is easiest for them, not pay bills, get kicked out, buy toys for the kids, move from family member to family member. They have been kicked out of 5 family member houses, including mine. We have put over $50K into their bills and budget with in the last 5 years. About $30K into vehicles for them that never got repaid. His wife is very blunt and disrespectful ("This is how I am...take it or leave it!" I leave it...) Both are very lazy. Have GEDs, he's been discharged from the Navy. She's covered with tattoos, including a pentagram on her hand.

I must add, he is my step son. We have a strange relationship. i am closer in age to him that to my hubby. Often, he sees me as an equal, rather than a mother figure.

He recently called my husband to come pick him up and could he come live with us, he was sick of his crazy wife's behavior. He lived with us for 5 months, dated , got friends, had a life going, had $$$ in his pocket. Then, we told him it was time to move on to his own apt. Well, within 2 weeks then, he was back with the dumb b*&^h, quit his job, lost most of his belongings. Now, they are living with my Mother in Law (said they were coming to visit for the weekend and never left. This was 5 weeks ago.) They do not follow house rules, when they are told then, they will do as long as there is someone else there to enforce them. My 81 year old MIL is losing her mind due to them, When asked why he doesn't get a job, he has a million great excuses. Same for her, She has lost several jobs due to tattoos and attitude. And now, if they get jobs, who will watch the kids? My MIL has no desire to be responsible for those 3 for them. I have no use or feeling for the kids. They are brats, parents, 2

Answer 1

Call social services in and take the kids leaving them to fend for themselves. Something tells me that you are only giving so much because of the kids anyway. And sure it's going to hurt, you don't want them to suffer, but little Ms. "This is how I am" needs to learn the hard way that handouts in life are not a living. They'll be forced to work or they will be homeless and starve...it's as simple as that. And sure they are going to be mad, but this should have been done before they started having children. I'd also call all the relatives, explain what is going on (as if most of them don't know) and plead with them NOT to help them out anymore.

And I know raising children again isn't something you want to do, but what other choice do they have? They didn't ask for parents like this and with some love and stability, they could turn out to be pretty great kids. If you are worried about the expense, you could always apply for kinship from your state. It gives you a monthly allotment to relatives, sort of like child support, to help with their care.

You can do this honey, in fact, you need to do this. They can only burn so many bridges before they realize they need to start building one to get back on track.

Answer 2

The problem is your doing everything for them. I know you're probably thinking of the kids, I would too, but in the end if you want your son and his wife to grow up, it's time for some tough love. I'm sure they love their children, your grandchildren, very much and wouldn't actually allow them to get harmed or starve if you no longer supported them. Then, they'd have to get off their a**es and be adults. I am 31, and I have 5 children. My hus. is also 31. He had no children when we met 7 years ago after my divorce, and we had 2 together.
I am in my 2nd year of college to be an RN. He has worked for the same company 9 years and goes to night school for HR management. We do it because it's our job and we have to do it! Now, there have been a time here and there through the years that my mother or father has helped me get through a electric bill or something, but that's it. I wouldn't dare mooch off of them, and our relationship is so that they've let us know pretty much that it's not an option anyway. From what I've read, you've helped them way too much, way too long and now they are used to it and just expecting it. Sit them down, tell them it's over, you can't keep doing it and it's time for them to GROW UP. If they don't have a job, then they can't pay you back and I would never dare to give one of my own children a loan if they hadn't held down a job for a long time and proved responsibity! They can get a fine job with just a GED, that's a load of crap if they say they can't. That's all I have. I started community college before I even got my GED! I have had a great job before school, without a GED! I feel for you, but they need a timeline and need to know it must be stuck to and they can no longer live with family members any longer. Get a job, put a deposit on an apartment or home, turn on utilities, KEEP THE JOB, get/pay for a car or use the damn bus or walk like we've all had to until we could afford one! They will never appreciate anything until they've had to work for it and pay it on their own. Good luck to you, I feel for you!

Answer 3

Unfortunately, you and other members in your family are enabling your son's lack of responsibility (as well as his vulgar, trailer trash sounding wife's) because you make it too easy for them by financially supporting them. You HAVE to do the tough love thing now or your son will NEVER grow up and will continue to use you until you die, and then will most likely blow his inheritance from you after you're gone.

If he's not willing to work and maintain a home of some sort, eventuallly social services will take the children. The first choice for them is to place children with grandparents (or other family members). They only get put into foster care when there is no one available to take them (the children) in.

Being in 8 schools in only the 1st grade is totally unacceptable. I'm an elementary school teacher, and most parents will wait until the summer to move to make the transition easier on their children. Do you know how difficult it is for a child to learn who is constantly shuffled to different schools? Not only will they not learn much, but they won't get the chance to develop any friendships or the other things that are important to kids as they grow up. Even in foster care kids don't change schools THAT much!! Also, from the sound of their parents, these kids would be better off in almost any other home. Did you know the pentogram is a devil worshipping sign?? She (wife) sounds disgusting and sick.

Please kick them out and put an end to this irresponsible gravy train!!

Answer 4

First of all the more you give the more they will take. We want to help our children and we don't want to see our grandchildren in harms way. It is time to call a family meeting. Call all the family members together and sit down with your son and his wife.Let them both know that the banks are no longer open. This has to come from everyone and you must all support each other. Second they have created these children and now much put there own needs and desire aside to take care of them. If needed talk with the other family members about shareing the responiblity of these kids until the parents get off there butts and on ther feet. But no money is to go to parents. Take the children shopping for clothes but keep all tickets and receipts. Agree to feed them but only in your home. Do not give them money for food. The family has made it way to easy for them and now you must break the cycle that you have helped create. Thrid set up rules and stick to them.You will only help those who frist help themselves. If they can't provide for the children then report them to DHS. They will remove the children from their homes and place them with family members or foster care until the parents can get on their feet. Think about who you want to support. The children or the whole family.? Sometimes we have to hit them were it hurts in order to get them to wake up. Just remember to take it slow after all you did help create this monster. Not your son but his muooching habit.

Answer 5

I like how you qualified your question with the word "Lovingly".
It sounds like such a simple word, but it sumarily demonstrates how you have effectively put yourself, between a rock and a hard place.

You need to learn the difference between being motivated by love, & being motivated by GUILT!

Ever hear of the expression killing him with kindness?
That is what you are successfully doing.

Your son & daughter in law don't take any responsibility for themselves or their kids because you & the rest of the family DON'T REQUIRE THEM TO!
When they choose the behaviour they also need to realize that they choose the consequences. But there are two things that come into play here.
1) You have consistantly interfered with the effect of any consequenses that they might have suffered that would help them to learn that they have to live responsibly, and
2) No matter what they do there are innocent children involved who will invariably suffer from the fallout of their parents behaviour.

Only one course of action comes to mind for me.
Your son & his wife have to be left to fend for themselves. They made their bed, now they must be left to lie in it. Any interferance from ANYBODY will slow the learning process for them, & their bad behaviour will continue even longer because of it. It's not because your son doesn't know how to do the right thing for his wife & family. It's more like he doesn't care, & why should he? He has others to take care of his troubles for him. Why should he worry? His mom does all of the worrying for him doesn't she?
Your son doesn't need your protection anymore mom. He's an adult, so let him fend for himself. He's an ex-navy man, so trust him, he will survive!

The only people that may need your protection here are your grandchildren. If their parents fail to feed, clothe or nurture their children properly then SOMEBODY has to intervene in a responsible & constructive way & assure the safety & well being of the kids.
So step back, but keep a watchfull eye on the kids.

Answer 6

there;s nothing lovingly about what you have to do. in fact, you sound like you're an enabler and too concerned with being loving. your son and wife need some hard lessons, lessons they have not been taught before. you just say NO from now on. it's so hard for you to do, i know because of the kids, but there is no other way to make them change. YOU HAVE TO CHANGE IN ORDER FOR THEM TO ATTEMPT CHANGE. if you continue to remain this "loving' mother who can't help but to help, then they will never change as well. tell your son that if they can't support the kids, then the KIDS can come and stay with you, but not them. i'm telling you, if YOU don't change how you deal with him, he won't change either. but don't let the kids suffer if you can. they should live with you if their parents can't support them. and don't give into their manipulations if you decide not to give them money any more. and if the situation gets dire, you will have to fight them for temp custody of the kids until they do change for the better. sorry, but i see no other way of dealing with this effectively. good luck!

Answer 7

It is time for tough love. As long as they know you are there to bail them out what are they learning? They are learning nothing. They have to stand on their own two feet and they will never do that as long as mommy an daddy are willing to help. If they need something for the kids tell them you will help as much as you can but not one more penny is going into their hands. You can even go as far as telling them your grand kids are welcome but they are not. Thats tough love!! And tough love does work. Discipline is part of loving your kids and grandkids so use it! Good luck and I hope you will remain strong and not be their bank any longer.

Answer 8

while you keep bailing them out of trouble they will keep taking
advantage of you, if you want to help them, don't pay their bills,
give them free board or anything like that, if they are to grow
up and be responsible adults they have to be able to fend for
themselves. It is not an easy thing for a parent to see their child
in trouble, but you are enabling them and helping them to live the way do, try to let go with love by telling them that although you love them,
they are adults and need to be able to take care of the children
and themselves, that you are there for them but are not going to support them financially any more

Answer 9

Man, what a mess.
I think you need to talk to a professional. The tough love that is needed now is going to be difficult, and not only do you need a good plan, but someone to help monitor the situation from neutral ground.

Answer 10

You have done enough already. They should be bless (they have you) and ashamed of themselves. The worst aspect is the kids. They don't deserves to have a shabby life. If you or family member is willing to take the kids from them, it would be great. God bless