I can't take being single anymore!!!! Advice?

Question

This is somewhat of a difficult topic to put into words without sounding braggadocios. Here it is: I'm pushing 20 and I have never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never even been hugged in a romantic way! I'm very intelligent, witty, personable and beautiful (I swear I'm modest, but I figure to get the best advice I need to lay out all the facts). I have been called "drop-dead gorgeous," "absolutely beautiful," "genius," and "hilarious." Please bear with me, I know I'm sounding obnoxious, but I really need help. Anyway the problem is that I'm the girl that the guys admire, but never ask out. I've been told that I'm really intimidating, but I can't go anywhere without getting hit on or checked out. When I find a nice guy who is actually interested in me, I inadvertently act uninterested, therefore causing him to say to himself "the hell with her!" I have horribly low self confidence, and it's getting to the point where I'm afraid I can't change that. How can I be more confident?

Just to clarify the qualities I listed about myself are not one that i see in myself, but rather what people have said about me. I am a recoverd anorexic, which I know tells a lot about how I see myself. I also blush a ridiculous amount, which I find mortifying. Plus, when I find a guy attractive all my eloquence is nowhere to be found.

I'm from Chicago, to answer whoever asked that.

Answer 1

I've read your post with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. It's a lot more refreshing that the 'I like him, what do I do?' questions that we normally see at the Q&A.II offer the following analysis of your predicament.

You seem confident enough. You know you're attractive, intelligent, and funny. Those attributes are plenty to attract an average Joe, but you need to be something 'Greater Than' to attract someone who is willing to engage in a meaningful relationship. 'Meaningful' being the operative word. If you're just looking for a temporary sexual fling, by all means... well, I won't get into that, as you seem (hopefully) to be a more respectable individual.

The best relationships (in my experience) flourish from long-standing friendships. If you have a friend you are interested in, let him know. You don't necessarily have to tell him directly, but let him know through increased physical contact, words of affirmation, quality time, and random gifts.

If you don't have a friend you are interested in, well then, you can't rush things. If you do, you'll end up making the same mistake so many young girls do; you'll date guys who really don't care about you as an individual, only what you hold between your legs. You'll be nothing but a trophy. I hate to sound so derogatory, but I've seen it happen to many respectable young women. Then, when they are young single mothers, they have an even harder time finding a mate.

Good luck. If you just open up a bit, let people know who you are, I'm sure you'll have a vast pool of potential suitors. Be sure to pick one that will devote themselves to your happiness, and not his own.

Answer 2

Someone told me once to lie till you believe it. I once had low self esteem and low self confidence. Its took me about 2 years of lying to myself to believe it. But even though I knew I was lying, I grew stronger without realizing it. Literally. I look back to how I was about 6 years ago, and I was a sad, pathetic loser. I mean, I was afraid to do anything cause of what people would think, or what happens if I fail, etc. But now, I do things cause I can, not because I am scared.

Now, with that out of the way. Don't feel too bad. I am 20, pushing 21, and I have never had a girlfriend. And its not because I can't, I just don't want to. Though, I do feel its getting old, but I try to stay strong in my ways. I am witty, have a strong mind, talk alot, sometimes about nothing, intelligent, and I know weird things, but I dont get along with stupid people, Ive been rated 8 point something on the website hotornot. I am a little bit overweight, but not bad, a month of a strict set of rules could fix it. So hey, dont be hard on yourself.

Now, the reason I never had a girlfriend when I was younger is for the exact reason you described. I would be interested, but the girl would be to high and mighty, or act uninterested, so I thought something similar, usually involving swearing in my head, but nowadays I don't even do that. Im well mannered now. Woo!

Guys nowadays have been beaten down cause of the womens movement. Woman want to be equal with men so the kids grow up messed up, guys act like women, girls act like men. It sounds sexest, but its a fact. Alot of people grow up messed up. Then the ones that have it all figured out already have a significant other, lol, so they don't count.

I for one can say I was more like a woman in my younger years, such as, about 70% of my teens, and I still suffer some affects. Like me, I am about 95% sure I will never have a girlfriend unless she asks me out. Literally. I have high confidence, but I won't be subjected to asking. Its a weird problem I have. So basically what Im saying, a guy wants you to make the first move. If you find someone thats interested but too afraid to ask, spark a conversation. Talk a while. If you don't wish to ask and can tell he really wants to ask buts to afraid, hint at it or something.

I could go on longer, but I dont have enough time so I have to cut it short. If you wish to hear more Ill write more when I return. If not, thats all good too.

And hopefully this much will help someway.

Answer 3

I'm a death metal vocalist, long hair, unshaven and web designer. Nonetheless, I have no trouble dating. Why? Well - confidence plays a big role here.

First of all, there is no reason to have a low self esteem or self confidence. Anyone can do it. However, if you show you have a low self confidence people will see it. You will definitely give the impression.

Obviously, I'm not a girl, but I suppose it works for both sexes. You don't have to wait on people to ask you out. You can ask guys out too. Being rejected is better than being annoyed yourself that you didn't have the courage to ask him out.

Moreover, go to places where you can find nice people. Bars, clubs, malls, fast food restaurants, concerts, etc. You'll mix in with people and find potential victims. If people find you truly 'drop-dead gorgeous', 'absolutely beautiful' and more of sorts, there is no need to worry. Just try, and you'll succeed, eventually. If there's the will, there's no need to worry. Go for it.

Answer 4

Look at the bright side: You're HIV negative, don't have herpes, have no other venereal diseases, have never been pregnant, am not a single mom, and are not with an abusive partner. You are only 19, and most people do not find their soulmate by age 19. I found mine at age 44.

I suggest you lose the attitude of self pity, and concentrate on your studies/future career, having a healthy lifestyle with good diet and exercise, and develop some hobbies where you're likely to meet guys, be it a running club, guitar class, photography class, or whatever interests you. Relax and have fun. :-)

P.S. You might also want to read some dating books for a better idea of the mechanics of meeting people in dating. But the important thing is to be happy with who you are and what you do, without feeling like you HAVE to have a boyfriend.

Answer 5

Wow you and me have almost the exact same problem...but I'm 18 (I've never been kissed, or kissed someone, I've never had a GF.)

I'm loving it >>"braggadocios"<< good word usage lol.

anyway. ... It seems to me guys and girls alike don't pick up on the "nice" guys and girls so to speak.

I don't really know the problome with me but for you I think you already know like you said it sounds like you might be a little indemidating to the guys.

so I guess try and be a little less indemidaing... and just be more open, and you said you come arcoss as if your not interested... Well show more interest... Well that's all I can think of... Good luck out there.

Oh and I know you probobly don't want to hear this but you may have to put your self out there more. (like making a biger aforrt to talk to guys, you may even have to ask them out (if they are too acared and indemidated by you)

Answer 6

oh my GOD!!!! u are ME ! girl I'm so happy u're going through this feel sooooo much better lool Ok not meaning to be mean, but now I feel like I'm not alone :)

listen honey..

I have the same problem, the difference is just that I did have a few boyfriends here and there who do anything in the world to date me, then end up treating me like (...)

so now I'm single

and I'm "craving" love. not just a bf, but love. and that's what u need. U don't want a bf, there's nothing easier then going to a club and coming back home with some company. what u are looking for is someone to love u.

I'm very shy and guys just think that I don't give an-uh about them .. I'm soooo shy that when I like a guy I act like I think they're ridiculous and like they don't faze me ..when deep inside I'll be soooo insecure about when they thin k etc.. see the problem is that you're so hot (from you're description) that you can't allow yourself to be less than perfect anymore!! that's why it's much easier for average girls to get guys...


now you asked how u can become more confident. I'll give u a tested solution


this weekend pamper yourself, take good care of your looks. sleep well on sunday
monday morning, wake up, have a true breakfast

go to school/college/university

and ACT LIKE YOU'RE CONFIDENT

there's absolutely no difference between being confident and acting as if.

plus your unconscious mind doesn't make a difference

try it for one week and you'll see the results

this will make u confident but it won't make u less shy. in my case, i'm very VERY comfortable with my body, looks and who I am and I'm very balanced, but still I'm very shy with some guys and that's just my personality, I'm kind of innocent

Answer 7

I've been married 23 years. With sacrifice, commitment, and all the love I can ever imagine. That being said, I can tell you from first hand experience. It's in the eyes. If you are sincere, and have ability to read through the what I call heat syndrome. You can truly tell by reading into their soul. And the only way to do this is with the eyes. You need to ease up. Take life as it comes to you. Friendly, not fake!!!
Be sincere with a smile in your voice. If other party is interested. Enter in relationship with hope and a positive mental attitude. Use looks and things I mentioned above to bring out the best in yourself and others. The hard to get, maybe I will, maybe I wont attitude will get you nothing. In life and in relationship. I wish you all the best

Answer 8

A boyfriend might not be the answer. Build your self esteem first and validate yourself by yourself. I'm sure you are an awesome, beautiful woman but you are confused. I wish you were my girlfriend I'd encourage you and build you up in your heart. Loneliness hurts bad but don't rush into the unknown without an exit plan. Self preservation is built in to us all but some people ignore that and move further into failing relationships. Take small steps. Small date here and there. Go see a movie with a guy friend and even invite him first! Or go to singles meetings but be careful. You can be more confident by drawing yourself beautiful in your own eyes. God made you to be a winner and not a wiener.

Answer 9

well, heres the thing.....if what u say is true, which u do sound sincere, then u cannot act so uninterested in a guy u really do actually like. Because the way u make urself sound, u appear to most guys as either unattainable, or probably already taken. So if u want to actually change this pattern, u need to change your practices. Trust me, if u find a guy, who is single and someone u really dig, it wont take too much to get and keep his attention with a lil aggressiveness on your part...

good luck

Answer 10

Date someone who is mature, maybe 10 or so years older than you and established. There are dating websites that you can go to like e-harmony dot com. Try that since they do have a decent reputation or try okcubid dot com. They have a free algorythm based dating site and you dont even have to pay. Just answer a lot of nice, interesting questions, some are disturbing though, and they will match you up to about 95 percent accuracy. You have to do the rest.

Happy husband hunting!