If someone cheated on you and is truly sorry for it, can they be forgiven?

Question

In my case, my girlfriend of almost 2 years had a 2 month affair with my roommate behind my back. I found out recently and am very hurt, as is she. This all stopped a few months ago, and she claimed that she felt extremely pushed away by me and she got the attention from him she needed at the time, but realized what she was doing and stopped it.

For me, I'm outraged and disgusted by the details, and how she lied to me about it so many times...but at the same time, I know that I was very cold and uncaring to her for the past 6 months or so. I would always brush her off to be with my friends, and never called her or told her I loved her unless she said it first.

This is bad, but the situation has shown me that she really does mean a lot to me, and that I really took her for granted...but I also do not know if this is something I can live with. I know she would never do this to me again, especially if I treat her better. What do you think?

-I KNOW that I was not treating her right. I would do terrible things, like consistently ignore her phone calls, go out with my friends and not tell her anything about it and ignore her when she tried to contact me, sit on my computer while she was over wanting me to be next to her, and talk very badly about her in front of my friends when she was there. As you can tell, the only reason why I'm even CONSIDERING forgiving her is because I KNOW that I was pushing her away, because I truly did not feel like she was right for me, but I didn't want to break it off at the time either.

-She did not volunteer ANY details...I was stupid and forced them out of her, because I was well, obsessed. That's how I am with things, I need to know everything, and I shouldn't have asked now that I know.

-She truly does love me. She cried for days when I found out and said she just never wanted me to know because of how hurt I'd be, so she just wanted to protect me from finding out.

Also, one thing that also meant a lot is that she ended it because she knew what she was doing was wrong. The guy tried to have her continue to do it, up to a few months after it ended, and she refused. She even blocked him on AIM so he would stop talking to her.

How I know all of this...I went through her AOL instant message logs on her laptop (which she didn't know existed, she's very computer illiterate) and saw many convos between them. That's how I found out, and how I know what she was feeling after she ended it.

Answer 1

I can answer this from personal experience, from exactly your girlfriend's perspective. I have been seeing the same guy for three years, and he was my friend for ten years before we started seeing each other. I love him very deeply. About a year ago, I had been feeling very neglected for the past six months or so.

We had gone from a very tender, loving, healthy intimate relationship where we were both getting all of our needs met to him turning his back to me and falling asleep immediately every single night. It was like pulling teeth just to get him to hold my hand or touch me at all. I started to suspect that he was cheating on me. It got to where I was feeling so worthless and abandoned that I was crying myself to sleep at night. I tried many times to talk to him about it with absolutely no success. I thought he had fallen out of love with me.

Well, after enduring this for six months or so, another male friend of mine had started giving me more attention than usual. I am normally a very faithful person but this attention was very hard to resist when I had felt so neglected for so long. We had a short affair, only being together four times over the course of a couple weeks. It would have gone on longer but I couldn't handle the guilt and shame. I ended it and came clean to my boyfriend. I told him I'd made a terrible mistake that would never be repeated if he would grant me a second chance.

It was hard for him but he did give me another chance. He knew how much I regretted it and that I was truly sorry, and that since I had been truthful about it and promised it would never happen, that he could probably trust me. It's been a year and our relationship has only gotten stronger. He realized how much he was hurting me by not expressing his love, and has gotten much better at it, and it is genuine. He had never stopped loving me, and hadn't cheated as I had suspected. (His argument during our painful period after my confession was that if he had cheated, he would absolutely tell me, to "get back at me and show me how it felt," but the truth was that he was never with anyone else.)

I never gave him any details, and he didn't want them. Your girlfriend made a mistake in telling you any, especially ones that would disgust you. That's like salt in the wound in my opinion. She owes you an extra apology for that and needs to know not to give any more detail than she already has.

Please take this advice.... you know now that she needs more attention, and that you took her for granted. You can fix this. I know that it's very hard right now to show your love considering what she's done, but try to take this approach: both of you imagine yourselves how you were when your relationship first started. Feel the high of a new love again. Go to some of the places you first shared together, listen to the music, eat the food, drink the wine, whatever will put you back there. Start completely fresh, and forgive her for being unfaithful and she needs to forgive you for the neglect.

If as you say you know she would never cheat again, and you've realized how much she means to you, then it sounds to me like it's definitely worth the try. I am living proof that it can work. My relationship has never been stronger, and I think maybe every relationship must go through something that truly stresses it such as this to see if it can withstand the test of time. Give her another chance, and never forget to let her know how much she means to you. Every single day.

I have to add something after reading some other people's comments. After putting my bf through that, there is absolutely not the slightest chance in hell that I would ever cheat on him again, and I'd never cheated on a guy before that. "once a cheater always a cheater" is an ignorant statement made by people who obviously have never been utterly abandoned for half a year by someone they loved with all their being. People do learn from their mistakes. If you believe she would never do it again, go with your gut rather than the advice of some stranger on here who doesn't know you or her and has never been in a similar situation.

one other thing... I see a lot of "kick the skank to the curb" type attitude, and I just want to point out that had this been your gf posting from her side of it, we would generally be seeing lots of "you can do better, find someone who gives you the love you need!" kinda thing. Some people don't see the whole picture.... you were both at fault, as you readily admit, and if you're both willing to try and work it out then you very well should. If not, move on.

Answer 2

Why don't you guys take a little break? Maybe just a week of no contact so you both can figure out your feelings. You both either need to literally forgive and forget or you need to end the relationship. Can she forgive you for your crappy behavior? Can you forgive her? That means that you won't always throw her affair in her face when you're mad or fighting. You literally have to let it go and not bring it up anymore. This is possible but can you do this? Only you can decide. It is not fair to EITHER of you to continue your relationship if the cheating is going to be brought up anymore. The decision is yours. Think hard, search your heart and mind. Be fair to yourself and to her.

Answer 3

Well it is actually both your faults, yours for not caring and hers for not being honest about she felt until she did this to you. You can either get back together or not, you two might be better off with other people in my opinion. Going back into a relationship that didn't work in the first place usually doesnt make it work a second time. In rare cases yes but I'm not sure about you two. I personally wouldn't get back with her and if I were her I wouldnt get back with you. People just tend to fall back into the same mode of behavior after a while if things seems to still be the same.

Answer 4

there is always a chance of forgivness it's your choice can u forgive and move past it or will it just eat away at u and ruin ur relationship?

My bf cheated on me and i forgave him it took me a long time to trust him again but i basically told him if it happened again he better hope that girl wants him cause i wont cause i cant deal with it.

So if your a person that can forgive than you can forgive her if she truly is sorry but if your going to hold it against her and not really forgive her than it's better off ending it and moving on

Answer 5

ive been the cheater b4 and i was truely sorry also, then we got back together and it wasn't right then i had him back and then i did it again, not meaning to but feelings were lost. needlesss to say now im not a cheater and i always think my boyfriend is cheating just cause of what i used to do . . thats my point of view, good luck . Once a cheater always a cheater. but then theres some that do it and thats what they need to c that your the one they want to be with so youll have to make that call on your own

Answer 6

Sometimes it takes a major crisis to make people wake up. You can see that your own behavior was at least halfway responsible for her having had an affair. This is a hard thing to admit, and you deserve to be praised for it.
Give her another chance. Your love might grow into a really mature, stable relationship. Who knows? Stranger things have happened.

Answer 7

I really, if it was me, would just move on. It is possible to forgive, but, at least for me,nearly impossible to forget.Even if you continue with this relationship, you will probably always have doubts in your mind. In my case, even having sex with the guy (husband) who cheated on me,was nearly impossible.All I could think of was, "this is what he was doing with her"Horrible. I would never, ever give someone else another chance again. Good Luck

Answer 8

If somebody says sorry and means it, then the thing to do is forgive them. But I would never fully trust them again.
So... it's up to you. If she still means a lot to you, and you can see that it was partly your fault, then I don't see the harm in giving it another try. Especially if you really believe it won't happen again. But you'll need to work at it.

Answer 9

Bruv it's all about what you think, I mean I can say I would never forgive her but then if it happened who knows? It's a tuff one, best of luck mate. All I can say is try to be honest with yourself, don't let the negative side of you that is angry, overcome the positive, its the harder decision that's usually the right one IF you can see happiness at the end of it. What about your mate sounds like a prick.

Answer 10

If you know she would never do it again, then you should forgive and look to the future. But if the lies and cheating are a habit and way of life for her, then you should let her go before she does this again.