I've been a rotten boyfriend, admittedly, and not faithful several times in the past. I've been trying to muster up the courage to ask her if she would marry me, but I'm afraid she would use it as an opportunity to turn me down--pay me back for some of the hurt. This has been an awful year for us, and I'm uncertain if proposing marriage would be considered by her as a sweet gesture, or terribly ironic--maybe even insulting. I don't want to ask if I'm just going to end up with my feelings hurt.
If you were in her shoes, what would your response be? Am I better off leaving this unsaid, or should I try to be bold and propose anyway, despite the risk to my feelings?
2007-10-13 04:52:30 · 18 answers · asked by Jack B, goodbye, Yahoo! 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
To Friendly: Come on, tell me how you "really" feel? I guess my feelings don't matter at all, huh?
2007-10-13 05:09:45 · update #1
If she's stayed with you through all of your flaws she probably isn't going anywhere. So, she would probably be happy if you asked. You also cann't go through life being scared to be rejected; it's never as bad as you think it will be. However, there's no point in getting married if you're not going to be a good husband. Divorce is over rated. Some advice, straighten up first, and then decide if it's still what you want for the two of you.
2007-10-13 05:02:59 · answer #1 · answered by crash✺test❤kitten 2 · 12⤊ 0⤋
Jack, the question I have for you is an honest one and very simple. If you are having this kind of trouble now then how do you expect a marriage to survive? I would say that before you even consider it you both need to be in couples counseling to figure out why this was such a bad year and where things went wrong. Do you REALLY want to marry her and spend the rest of your life with her or do you feel guilty and feel this is the best way to make it up to her? I wonder why you're still together if you know you've acted badly and you also know she might hang this over your head for the rest of your lives. That's not a good relationship for either one of you. No, nothing is perfect but marriage is difficult. It you think the relationship thus far has been difficult, marriage will only magnify it. It's not a cure. I don't believe that's the reason you're asking her anyway but please search inside for the reason you would ask her in the first place. I wish you peace and sweetness.
2007-10-13 12:30:57 · answer #2 · answered by Yogini 6 · 7⤊ 0⤋
Well I think that if you were to propose then it would indeed be sincere. (You don't pose to be the type to do such a thing for the heck of it)
One thing you need to get over is risking getting your feelings hurt. Marriage is full of ups and downs and many times where you will hurt each others feelings...yet marriage is wonderful in the aspect that you have someone who you can be honest with, even if it hurts the other persons feelings.
I can not answer the question because I don't think I would be in "her shoes" meaning I most likely would not stay with someone that was unfaithful (especially a few times). The fact that she is with you still must say something as to her commitment to you. So I say go for it. Even if she says "no" you can take that as an opportunity to find out what needs to be worked on so that she would eventually say "yes". If she says "no never" then you know maybe it is time to move on.
2007-10-13 13:25:19 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
If she stills being your girlfriend even if you haven't been the best boyfriend ever, it is because she really loves you and she knows you are not perfect but she loves you anyways. That is true love. If I was you, I'd plan the most romantic scene ever, you know like movie like (all girls love that kind of stuff, believe me) so she would feel like a princess and would propose her. Go ahead and do it, if she says no... give her some time, talk things out and find out what's wrong and what can change and what can not. Understand that when you marry her, you will have done a commitment to her and you will have to behave a little better and be a better husband than the boyfriend you were once upon a time. Good luck Jack B.! be a gentleman (which I know you are) and be good to her, be her prince and let her be your princess. Be happy!!!
2007-10-13 12:12:11 · answer #4 · answered by Love Yahoo!!! wannabe a princess 3 · 5⤊ 1⤋
If she is still with you after everything that has happened then I would say go for it. It seems to me that is she trying to work it out with you, for better or worse, if you will. If it were me I would personally be conflicted. I might not want to marry him right away, instead I would want to work at rebuilding the trust that was lost between us. Only you know what is going on for sure or not, after all, the only thing we know of your relationship is what you have told to us on this thread. Why don't you try talking to her, it would be a big step towards rebuilding your trust, not to mention you could figure out where she stands with all this.
Also, if you think she is vindicative enough to use a proposal to hurt you, why are you with her? Seems to me that both of you have some issues to work out in your relationship before you take that next step.
Good luck with everything Jack! :-)
2007-10-13 15:28:40 · answer #5 · answered by Megs 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't mean to make anyone feel bad. I was in that situation and I turned him down even though he bought me a beautiful ring and begged. I had been married before and was forseeing the future with this guy that I felt didn't really know how to love anyone but himself. But if a boyfriend was a good guy but just made a few mistakes, I would still marry him. I make mistakes, too.
2007-10-13 15:48:27 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Okay Jack, in all honesty, friend to friend, If it were me no I wouldn't but that is me, however because (we'll call her lola) lola hasn't left you yet then it is obvious that she cares for you deeply and wishes to make things work. Really think about this would you marry a woman who has cheated on you left, right and center. I believe that there is hope jack for the two of you but I don't believe you should be looking to get married just yet. First you should come clean with all the wrong you have done to her, admit to all your wrong, hide nothing from her(even if it is going to hurt her) If you want a life of commitment you have to have no dark secrets between you and there has to be utter and complete trust. I suggest some counselling and maybe some psychology courses fort he both of you so that you both have an understanding of what went wrong and why, it is then and only then that you can start to repair the damage done. She is a women, women look at their spouses betrayal more differently than a man, the hurt goes real deep. After completing all of the above listed it is then and only then would I suggest to you that you ask for her to marry you. Jack relationships take time, effort, love, commitment, loyalty, trust and honesty. I know you can do this but as I said there is alot of work to put in first, after all you don't want to have a repeat after you are married. So work on it jack and then ask her (work on it together). AS for one more comment jack , when it comes to being with a partner and a commitment such as you are looking for you leave yourself open to the possibility of hurt anyway. Love is risk always and it has to be chance that you are willing to take my friend. If you think she is worth the life of a partner for life then she is worth the possible hurt right?????? . Good luck Jack on whatever you decide but please really think about what I have said, fix what's broken first and then you'll have a chance at a happy ending, if you don't fix what is broken then you won't have a chance at all for a happy ending.
Jack, if I hurt your feelings I am sorry but it was not my intention to do so, rather that it was to provide you with deep insight and brutal honesty for the sake of your true happiness and possible great future with your wife.
If you are wondering I'm not married but that is by choice, however, I've been in a committed relationship for a long time 12 years now nearly 13yrs and we are still going strong, we hide nothing from each other. I can flirt with anyone and it doesn't bother him because he's knows that is just my nature, that I would never cheat on him and at the end of the night he is the only one I go home with and it is the same for him. Don't get me wrong it's not a fairy tale it takes work and effort on both sides but our love and commitment to each other is real and honest that is why it works and lasts. Good luck my friend, hope you and lola find the happiness you both deserve and may you both be celebrating your anniversary plenty of years from now.
I think most would agree with me that the possibility is there but you have to change and be good and treat her with the respect she deserves. you have to be ready for commitment and hard work. On top of that you have to subject yourself to the possibility of hurt. It is time to either step up to the plate or back away from the plate all together. I believe you can do it if you really try and are willing to put the time and effort in it. If you really love her you'll either let her go so she can find another to be happy with or you'll become the man that she wants you to be.
2007-10-13 12:43:41 · answer #7 · answered by fire and ice 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Can you picture yourself spending the rest of your life with her? Do you absolutely, 100%, no doubt about it, WANT to marry her? Or are you doing it cause you think maybe she would like it?
Maybe wait a little bit and really figure out if this is what you want or what you think you want. Those are two completely different feelings, one is good for a marriage, the other isn't.
2007-10-13 12:47:46 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
Actually man, if she means that much to you I would spend time making amends as it were. Perhaps in a sweet Jack sort of way tell her you intend to make up the hurtful things to her so that you are worthy to ask her for her hand in marrige.
But I am a guy so... what do I know.
Edit
I also second what hembloc or whatever said... BTW, if its with the right gal marrige is the most excellent xp of your life.
Best of luck to you good sir.
2007-10-13 12:00:08 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
Gosh... okay.. let me try to play the devil's advocate here as much as possible.
First of all, "would you still like a marriage proposal?" - sounds kind of like it's a consolation prize. Like, hey, I've treated you shitty in the past but um, here's a ring?!?!?!
Maybe that's not how you meant it.. but I wouldn't want someone to propose because they felt bad, or they thought maybe it would rectify the current situation.
On the other hand - if you really mean it as a sincere gesture to prove to her that you are hands-down 100% ready to be 100% committed and you admit, regret, and deeply apologize for the wrongs in the past - I think she might consider it an atonement for your prior sins, if I may.
I guess it just depends. It's difficult for any outside who doesn't truly know the depths to the situation to look at it objectively and be like, "Yeah" one way or the other.
From my point of view, unfaithfulness is one of those things that leaves a scar.. or like, a piece of metal in your bone so that every time the temperature drops (read: something goes wrong) it pangs you, and you never quite DON'T feel it, you know? If it were *me*, I'd have doubts, fears, questions, etc. But it's not me, and I don't know your girlfriend, and you don't mention much to how she's responded to the problems you've had in the past - except that quite obviously she's stuck around.. and that could honestly be because she aches for validation.. she wants to know she's adequate, and she's trying to find a way to justify the time she's invested in the relationship? (In other words, she may be sticking around hoping you'll change and she wouldn't have wasted her time, but yet deep down she could be utterly unhappy regardless)
I dated a guy for three years who treated me like total crap. At the time, I can say if he'd of proposed, I would have said yes. But since splitting for good on my terms, and being able to think retrospectively on the situation, I realize now if he'd proposed.. I don't think I'd say yes? And it wouldn't be out of vindictiveness or to get retribution - but just becaue.. if he hadn't treated me 100% when we were just dating, who am I to think a ring would change that?
I'd rather have 30 minutes of absolutely wonderful than a lifetime of mediocre.. and there was too much baggage there now that I think about it to really make anything work in the long run.
To be quite honest, from my perspective and just from things I've dealt with in the past - I'd probably definitely respond with questions if I were in her shoes - not the falling to the ground and embracing you and crying while saying Yes Yes Yes - which is how I'd want my proposal response to be.
:/
Sorry if that's not what you want to hear...
You might want to try just talking to her about it.. Do you know if she thinks about marrying you at all even?
2007-10-13 12:24:45 · answer #10 · answered by nixity 6 · 7⤊ 0⤋