I am in a wedding and I don't want to be! The bride-to-be is cold to me & I really don't care for her at all.

Question

I'm in this wedding in January. The bride-to-be is a woman that I work with. She asked me to be in the wedding and I said yes but then again how would you say "no" to something like that when you are caught off guard. We have only known each other for a few months. Now when I see her she pretty much acts like she doesn't know me-when I'm in a group of people she makes eye contact with all but me. She's just different-someone I would not choose as a friend. She is very conceited and acts like she is better than everyone. Just a different personality-one that I don't "mesh" with at all. I try to be friendly to/with her but she doesn't really respond to it. i so wish I was not involved in her big day because I am poor and this is costing me a pretty penny. I have given her a generous shower gift, paid dearly for my dress, paid my share for the elaborate shower and she's like this to me? How do I get through this? Just go through the motions until the whole thing is over?

What's funny is when she asked me I felt kind of close to her like we were becoming better friends but it's diff. now. We are so "distant". Do you think I did something to piss her off????

...and there is no way I can back out. It's way to late for that and since I have to see her at work each day that would make it very, very uncomfortable and she would even be a bigger b**** than she already is.

Answer 1

First of all you should have never paid for your dress if you were asked to be in the wedding or for the shower for that part. I think she took advantage of you as far as this is concerned. I would tell her that you don't feel comfortable participating in the wedding being as you don't know her that well and you think she should choose someone that she is close with. If she continues to badger you, I would tell her point blank you can't afford the expense and she acts like she doesnt really want you in it anyway.

Answer 2

It would have been a good idea to ask this prior to putting all that money into her wedding.

You'll have to eat the cost.

Depending on how comfortable you are with this, ask her why she asked you to be her bridesmaid in the first place.

You can do one of two things. Suck it up and go ahead and be the bridesmaid, since you said you would be and since you've already put forth a LOT of money that' you're not ever going to see again. Or you could just say that you're sorry you're putting her in a tight spot, but you just don't think you can be one of her bridesmaids. If she gets ticked off, go ahead and let her know exactly why you're doing it. If it comes as a surprise to her that you feel she is acting this way, and she apologizes and vows to try to be more considerate, that may be worth sticking around for. A lot of women get totally wrapped up in the wedding to the point where they don't notice they are hurting others. If she gets rude with you, at least you haven't really lost a friend.

Oh:

Q: How do you say no to something like that when you're caught off guard?
A: "Are you sure? We only barely know each other."

Answer 3

I hear ya. Sometimes we don't think about all that goes into that job -- it seems like it's just about wearing a little dress and smiling, but it's not. I was in my best friend's wedding and I never got to talk to her because she was so busy -- I just kept getting bills for all the bridesmaid stuff and I was starting to really resent the whole thing. In my case, though, I dearly loved my best friend and, in the end, was glad that I'd put up with it. In your case, that might not happen. Fingers crossed that she's just stressed with wedding stuff and will become a good person right before the wedding. It's only October -- if you don't mind wasting the investments you've already made and really wanted to back out I wouldn't totally blame you. She could find someone else if need be. But I wouldn't not show up on the wedding day. That's just rude.

Answer 4

I often tell people to suck it up, but if she avoids you at work, I don't think so. I know weddings are stressful to a lot of people and some people don't have a lot of close friends and may need to ask a work friend, but I don't think this is the case here. I wonder if she picked you because you would "look good" in the pictures, rather than because you are close friends.

I am reluctantly voting that you back out. I say reluctantly because I generally tend to follow through with my committments, even when I wish I could quit, but this case is different.

Of course, since you paid for the dress and everything, perhaps the only pay off for you at this point is to go through with the wedding... and DON'T buy her anymore gifts.

Answer 5

Hi. I totally sympathize with you. She sounds like a bi*** AND a bridezilla all rolled into one.

I seriously question why she wanted/asked you to be in her wedding if she only knew you for a few months. Sounds like she was trying to "even things out" so that there would be the same number of bridesmaids and groomsmen.

You have done everything to be nice to her, and she is sounding very conceited and rude.

Question: Is there ANY way to get out of it totally?? I know you said you already bought the dress, though. Really, it's totally up to YOU. I would tell her you have reconsidered and cannot be in her wedding. Chalk your losses up to "life lessons learned." and instead of having to put up with miss bi*** bride on "her day" go do something for yourself that day!! The money you save on a hair appointment ....buy yourself something!

If you do go through with it, I would give her A CARD....and that's it....no money....no gift. You have already been extremely generous.

It's really your decision, but I would just chuck the whole thing!

Answer 6

You're too far in the hole to back out now. (If you hadn't paid for your dress, I'd say there might be an escape hatch, but that's done for good). Wcanoodle has it right -- why not make the best of it? Be charming and gracious, even though you don't feel that way. Use the event as an opportunity to meet some new people.

Answer 7

There is no reason you have to be in the wedding. You can bow out very gracefully and tactfully. I would just explain that while you wish her the best, and you wish you could participate in the bridal party, the costs are adding up, and you are having trouble focusing on your bridesmaid duties and you feel that someone closer to her would make a better bridesmaid. Tell her you will be happy to be a guest at the wedding but you feel it's necessary to back out of the wedding party. If she gets mad, that's for her to deal with.

Answer 8

right before she walks down the aisle tell her she has a back roll sticking out or a large pimple. besides that ihear ya that sucks you work with her and you have pretty much so paid everything already to go ahead and back out now ya know. i say dont give he a wedding gidft she wont even rememeber if you did there are so many presents she wouldnt notice just bring an unsigned card with no money in it infact bring like 5 all in different envelopes and different hand writting that way she really gets confused. and if she is a real *** invite some extra people with you i know it cost more to pay for extra plates at a wedding if you have not counted for them being there so invite a few friends

Answer 9

I would say it's too late to back out. You have to go thru with it now. Maybe (as someone else said) she is using you becaue you will look good in her pictures and she needed someone else to help foot the shower bills and maybe she knows you are a generous person but to treat you this way is just not right. I say....go thru with it....go to the wedding have your fill of cookies, food and mixed drinks! Oh, and make sure you take lots of cookies home. Get nice and buzzed then just leave early (have a des. driver) go home change and go out and have fun. Ha ha. Or just stay and have a blast and to heck with her. She used you...... If you did something to piss her off she needs to be woman enough to tell you and not be cold to you. Remember: she needs you. you don't need her.

Answer 10

Try to visualise this: with closed eyes and in a quiet place, imagine yourself on the day, looking serene, beautiful, alluring AND having fun. When you imagine/visualise those things, make it as vivid as possible, and this is very very important, FEEL all the feelings that go with being relaxed and comfortable. At the end of the visualisation, give yourself this auto-suggestion: As soon as I put my foot out of the door (on the party day) I feel so relaxed and comfortable, I am confident and at ease.... as I arrive at the party, I forget all about my own feelings and concentrate on listening to what others have to say and enjoying myself, without any self-consciousness..
Begin this exercises on a regular basis, one or two weeks before the party.
There is nothing to worry about, now you made the commitment, go and have fun, there are others at the wedding, enjoy yourself. It is not you MARRYING her, so you need not worry about it. Just keep cordial, polite work relations, from then on, that is enough.