do u tolerate crap off people? or do u give those insults and sarcasm right back?

Question

ive tolerated people all my life, especially my 2 brotherinlaws from hell, they put me down, theyr sarcastic,boss me around, are full of mean comments, and i always just ignore them with a smile on my face cos i dont want to see trouble brew in my family
the last few months ive been fighting back, and tonight i argued with one of them,
my sister pulled me aside and asked what the hell is wrong with me, and that i never used to get angry,
i told her i cant take it anymore and ill give it right back,
am i better off staying away from family gatherings to avoid these creeps, or should i just keep fighting back?
my family are starting to think im the bad guy now!

Answer 1

As you can see, yelling, insulting, and such don't improve your situation, and, in fact, make YOU look bad.

The problem is, you seem to think there are only 2 choices here, to "take it" or to be rude and obnoxious yourself. Those are NOT the only choices. You can register your disagreement and disapproval without acting more like them.

What you do is act polite, sometimes super-polite, in ways that make them feel like dog doo, and look bad to everyone, while you look like a perfect angel.

You don't have to plaster a fake smile on your face (though sometimes the sarcastic, obviously fake smile is a good tool). You don't have to pretend (well, except when pretending is part of the method).

Learn freezing coldness. Fix a cold stare into the eyes of one who has just insulted you; hold it for 20 seconds, look away and immediately act normally (as though the moment never happened).

When someone bosses you around, there's no reason for you to obey. In fact, someone loudly telling you what to do, and you doing otherwise makes them look silly.

When someone insults you, you can put on a super-fake super-happy tone "Why, THANK you! You're so kind!" (I mean really drip honey from every pore with this one.) Then cut the smile off suddenly, like a lightswitch turned off.

The idea is to make it clear how inappropriate they're being, in a way that throws them off (done well, it's like a slap in the face), but doesn't make you look like a brute.

You can learn to disagree and argue without yelling. Use a calm tone, quiet voice, and refuse to discuss anything but the issue at hand (no side-trips to the person's character, or defense of your own). When you stay calm and reasonable with someone who's shrieking curses you really make the point, and everyone else admires you for keeping cool with a lunatic.

Another technique might be to always speak clearly and distinctly any time you must speak to one of them -- as though talking to a very young person who's suffered brain damage. Put on a super-calm manner to do this, and exude the patience of a saint.

Finally, there are ways to not register someone's existence. If you feel their behavior has really taken them out of all bounds, never actually look directly at them, never hear what they say, walk by them. (This is the worst, and may have a bad effect on family gatherings, so is only to be used if nothing else does any good.)

I know these sound mild to someone who's not used to them, but try the freezing look bit, and the super-honeyed thanks.

These ways of not taking it are devastating to the recipient, completely unnerving, and, worst of all, are neither doormat ("I don't mind a bit!") nor hostile -- you give them nothing to fight back against, as you're doing now by arguing.

Fighting back, as you're probably noticed, doesn't get them to back down; the whole things just escalates. But if you freak them out or even humiliate them with politeness, they will fear you.

The point is to make them feel like dog doo, without being a jerk yourself.

If they turn you into them, they win. If you throw them off-balance, and use politeness to punish them, they have no grievance back. And you get to take revenge, yet look like an angel.

Either they'll stop riding you, or they won't; at least this way, you register your true feelings toward them, but without making things unpleasant for everyone else.

You have learned something from this, and that's the opinion of the rest of the family, who had noticed that you were willing to take it, and are now upset at the change.

So you SEEM to take it (because none of your responses involve yelling or cussing), but you're not; you're letting your feelings out, but in a more devastating way.

I highly recommend the books of Miss Manners, expecially the stuff on dealing with rude people, and polite ways of dealing with conflict, including social cuts and such.

Once you get the logic of it, you can be in a place that's neither taking it, nor adding to the hostility.

Answer 2

I am a very patience and i practice it daily. However, growing up i was always teased and picked on so i normally stood quiet. Until i realized that you have to defend yourself especially when it comes to family or whatever the circumstances are. But i do keep my cool and present myself like an adult.

Even though there are times where situations might come up where you have to bite your tongue. But if your brother in laws are constant ly picking on you than you need to sit down with your family and let them know how you feel. And if your sister pulled you aside and asked whats wrong its because she thought that it never bothered you.

When someone stay quiet for so long and all of a sudden you start responding by snapping back at them. Some members of the family might see it as either it being wrong or its about time. But when you do step up for yourself do it where you let them know you're being mature about it and not childish. You don't want people to dislike you, you want them to respect and love you.

Remember don't let anyone no matter who it is family, friend, etc step all over you. I'm sure if it was them they won't allow it..

Answer 3

I wonder my self how much Crap is too much Crap! You know I've been taking it off of this Hussy/Hag for some time now, and I'm about to blow a Gasket myself.
Maybe you should try to talk to these bruts if at all possible and Better/ tell your man you are tired of it and if he doesn't make them stop then All Hell will break loose! You know I am taking my own advise here, I've had a long talk with mine.We'll see if it works.We deserve More Respect than that! I'm calling in the Troops! My Pit Bull.It's time For Men To Stand Up for Their Women! don't Ya think!!!I'm kind of old fashioned I guess, but Hell they can do it when they want to!!
You're a Smart Gal- I know you will work it out. You've given me some good advise!

Answer 4

Don't let them boss you around, ever. You've already set the stage and they take full advantage of it. The best way to handle them in the future (avoiding family gatherings really isn't an option.) is to just look at them when they say something negative and shake your head and walk away. Smile a little too. This will drive them crazy. They treat you that way to elicit a reaction from you and because they're sadistic bullies. When you act mildly amused and tolerant, like they're naughty children, the fun will wear off and you will look like the good guy.
If they try to order you to do something or boss you, just ignore them entirely and play deaf. Pretend you're at a job and act like a business professional. You'll retain your dignity and make them look like the village idiots they are.

Answer 5

Really feel sorry for you. I've been there. I usually keep quiet but sometimes it's just too much to swallow. Had an awful situation at my sister's beach house where I told her husband to shut up because he kept getting in my case about the way I would talk to my youngest son... (bragging how he had raised his only son soooo well) To make it short; I got hell from that.
Just recently we were at my other sister's and this same guy starts talking nonsense ... my husband was about to burst and I told him to just let it be, it wasn't worth it.
Sometimes it's better to just let people stink in their own s**t. As for the first situation I was also taken for the bad guy... had my sisters mad at me for ages...
Now, if those guys are constantly putting you down, bossing you and stuff and you are fed up, my friend; sock it to them!!! Here you are, the wife of their brother, bearing his children into their family, they owe you RESPECT !!! When they see that you will no longer take their crap, that you mean it; they'll change. Meanwhile...prepare yourself...imposing this respect you want and deserve, will cost you...
Good fighting sis!

Answer 6

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I 've had to put up with so much from my brother in law. For some reason he's always hated me, even when I was a baby. Now who can hate a baby? Well he could.
Like you, I used to turn his insults into jokes, so that we wouldn't fight. And everytime I felt pushed to my limits, I thought of my poor sister, and said to myself that I was puting up with the jerk for her sake. So I would bite the bullet everytime.
I would never speak up, because I didn't want to disrupt the peace and harmony.
The thing with my brother in law, was that he was rude and mean to my whole family, and we all put up with it, because of my sister. But the more we put up with it, the more he did it, because he knew he could get away with it.
Well I stopped putting up with it. I let him have it one day, and from then on I dindn't put up with any of his crap.
Well, he still hates me, but now he doesn't dare say anything rude to me. He knows better.
I kept hoping and wishing, that if I showed him how nice I am, he'll like me one day. That could never happen. So now I don't care if he likes me anymore. I just want him to respect me, even if he hates me.
Don't let anyone put you down, and make you feel bad. You are just as important as any person. Why should you feel hurt? Explain to your family how you feel, and they'll understand. And if they don't it's okay. I don't think it's right to let anyone disrespect you for any reason.

Edit: After reading my answer, I realized I'm a little influenced by my own situation, which isn't necessarily the same as yours. I mean it's possible your brother in law has a bad sense of humour, and doesn't realize he's hurting you.
Maybe sit down, have a talk with them, with your sister present, and tell him how you feel about his comments, in a polite way. Explain that you want to get along with him, being your sister's husband, but you will not tolerate rude behaviour. That way, you 've made it clear how you feel, and no one can blame you for being the bad guy. If he doesn't get any wiser, then the family will blame him.
I really hope this helps...

Good luck. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Answer 7

sometimes our family can be our worse enemy. However try to talk to your family and tell them what is bothering you and if that doesn't work than maybe you should stay away for a little while. Let them know that you need time away to better learn to deal with the situation. Do remember that their is nothing wrong with letting people know how you feel and never take crap off of anyone. everyone has expectations and hold on to yours, don't let anyone tear them down.

Answer 8

You are right that you are at a breaking point but it doesn't sound like you are comfortable with this "new" you. You cannot control other people's behavior, only your own. I have a family much like that, I spend as little time as possible with them, maybe once or twice a year. I stay for a bit then leave. I also live an hour away from any of them, so no spontaneous drop ins. Its worked for me for over 30years.

I did however surround myself with good friends, who took the place of my brothers and sisters. We all need positive human contact.

My advice is for you to be true to yourself and get some counseling if you are no longer sure who you are. Best of luck to you.

Answer 9

I usually take most things in my stride. I don't really get annoyed much. BUT for the last 3 months I have been pushed to the limits. My problems aren't with my family or Andrew's they are with certain friends we have.
One of my friends slyly insults my children, and digs for complements for herself. We go and she always starts talking about her son and how clever he is. Then now she is on some stupid diet, asks me 100 times an hour if I think she has lost weight.
Then Friday she rings me up and whines for over a hour that her son has tonsillitis. What the hell can I do? But what made it worse she went as far as to say that I am lying (well applied that anyway) about William having his tonsils taken out with his ear operation. I mean who makes that **** up?? I got my back up real good.
She makes me so MAD!! I have literally been steaming over it. I feel bad if I don't talk to her, because I love her son, and my boys like playing with her. But then I am so sick of it.

You are not wrong to stick up for yourself. People start using you as a door mat after awhile. Tell your sisters, to make them treat you with respect. If Andrew ever made nasty remarks or disrespected someone in front of me I would slap him around the ear hole and make him apologise.
I hope it gets better soon
Love Charli xxxx

Answer 10

I take it until I can't anymore, then tell them what's bothering me. Most of the time they say they didn't realize how rude they were being and apologize. I wish I could be more like my daughter who takes no crap from people, yet everyone loves her. Then there's hubby who always has a 'cute/funny' retort for everything. You'd think after 20 years I would pick some of it up from him!