What do you do when a parent defends a child even when they know they are wrong?

Question

I've been in a relationship with my now fiance' for 3 years. He has a 16 year old daughter and I have a 14 year old daughter. We've been trying to "blend" families this whole time. He and I get along well. As a matter of fact, other than "putting out fires" regarding the kids, we have never had an argument of our own.
His child has quite a few issues she's had to deal with since about 8 years old (ie. mother leaving, sister leaving, allergic to everything, asthma, can't fit in socially at school, not doing well in school, behavior problems, etc.). I've tried to be understanding, but ignoring is something I'm finding hard to do. He says she's "acting out"; I say those "acts" need to be discussed and handled. He says she's been through enough. She never gets disciplined for detentions at school, being arrested, foul language, etc. My daughter doesn't understand why she gets disciplined for the same thing we overlook regarding his daughter. I'm ready to just give up on us.

Answer 1

That is not healthy for your child. Please re-think this relationship. His child acting out is no excuse and that is taking the easy way out. Her mom left, well, that means she is gone and someone should have dealt with that. Her sister left. Same thing. She has asthma. Lots of people live very uncomplicated lives with asthma and they aren't nasty. None of her problems should be the excuse for her behavior. Your daughter is probably a victim of this acting out from the child. She doesn't deserve that and I think you should put a lot of effort in continuing to give her support. That's where your energies will gain the most benefit for both of you.

Shoot, you and your boyfriend probably don't argue because of all the distractions from his daughter. He finds peace in being with you. However, he needs to return the favor and give you some peace.

I have never seen a child yet who was indulged in bad behavior grow up to be a stable person. It just never works.

Answer 2

You're in a REALLY tough spot. I have a similar issue with my girlfriend and her 16 yr old daughter.

Realistically, you have three options:

(1.) Ignore it and suck it up.

(2.) Confront your fiance' about it... this will cause more friction and agonizing, but it probably won't change anything.

(3.) Move out with your daughter into a separate apartment or house or with family until his 16 year old grows up and moves out. Consider it a long engagement. This way, you and your daughter can have some peace and sanity. Also, your fiance' and his daughter will have a better shot at working through their own relationship.

I chose number 3 for my situation. Yes it's tough and financially it is a drag. But if I had to live with my girlfriend and her daughter, I would be locked away in a rubber-room by now.

Answer 3

You have your answer in the last line of your post.
Nothing will change until you demand change and demonstrate that you are willing to kick the BF and his kid to the curb.
Your new mantra is "if the mama ain't happy, then NOBODY is happy!" The mama is the ultimate authority.

The boyfriend has his head up his @ss. He needs to get her into counseling and start actually dealing with all of this. At 16 she is just getting warmed up, and the rebellion can get substantially worse as her territory widens. When does he plan to do anything about it? She needs to either be taken in for psychotherapy or institutionalized.

You really don't want to deal with that. You don't want to spend the household budget on her legal expenses. Your relationship is floundering because you are the only one trying to be a parent, and he is undermining your authority with BOTH girls.

You have been living with this guy for 3 years, trying to blend families... what impetus does he have to do anything about anything? You are providing this dolt with the full services of a wife and he has not earned it. Quit mopping up his messes! If he hasn't married you in 3 years, he probably isn't going to, and quite frankly, I don't think you should put up with his passive-aggressive nonsense any longer.

Answer 4

Is there any chance that you can get her into therapy??

If your husband is adverse to just HER going into therapy you could start with a "Family" style therapy that starts wtih everyone together but then you all eventually have individual sessions with the councilor.

Not to sound mean but your daughter might need some help as well... You don't tell us about your side but I can only assume that your child didn't get out unscathed... Just not 1/2 as bad as your husbands child seems to be.

And the stress both you and your husband are going through by needing to cope with this has probibly strained your relationship at least a little...

Everyone could benefit from talk therapy... Not just the most damaged among you though she does need it the most.

If you don't have insurance there has to be a university or clinic in your area that can take you on with a sliding scale fee that you can afford... Not ALL therapists are just out for money!

I wish you the best of luck...

Dealing with a mental illness is not a fun thing... Please take my advice and get her help while she can still recover.

*HUG*

You can make it through this...

Answer 5

There’s ‘acting out’ and then there’s ACTING OUT. If she’s getting arrested for goodness sake and Dad still refuses to discipline her, then there’s a HUGE issue there. One that will not go away/get better by being ignored. And in my opinion, he’s doing her a great disserve by refusing to deal with this problem. In a few years, she’ll be in the real world. She has to be able to get along in society, and the excuse of “I’ve been through a lot” isn’t going to cut it.

And if this ‘different’ treatment continues between the two girls, your own child will begin to resent you and rebel (and the worse thing you can do is begin to allow your own daughter to get away with stuff just because Dad’s allowing it with his child).

If it were me….until Dad is able to understand that he has to get his daughter under control--and takes steps to do that--I’d be leaving, because I would consider staying to be harmful to my child’s mental health, as well as my own (the situation is way too stressful).

The child needs counseling.

Answer 6

Unless he is ready to acknowledge his daughters playing him, u should give up because you don't need your daughter to fall into those behavior patterns either. I am 45 years old.... from a family of 7 kids....my parents were real old school.......if one of us did something wrong, we all got waked for it.....just for good measure. I can still hear my mom yelling at one of my siblings over something and turning around and yelling at me not to even think about doing the same thing. It isn't about "blending your family" it is about setting a good example for younger siblings. And if your not blended after 3 years while they are growing up.........then hon u not reaching your goals. I don't know u or ur kids but I'd say knowing how kids are today, she just has dad wrapped around her finger and she is jealous of u and urs. OK this girl has been arrested already...so dose dad want to visit her in prison? She 16 and running you and ur house. If parents today don't let kids know they are the parent they will run over the parent. My daughter is 25 she would get and still gets lippy with me. But over the years she has learned to respect me. And she is finding herself telling her children the same things I told her. Kids will push the envelope.........but they want guide lines and rules. They will not admit it and at this point ur going to have a hell of a fight on ur hands with the older one. But I definitely would be putting my foot down when it comes to getting arrested, attending school and swearing. And by the way 16 years old is a little old to be acting out. Because of something mommy did 8 years ago. Get counseling if you want this to work.

Answer 7

yes we are trying the same thing keep trying my husband has 3 kids 9yr 7yr and4yr old that Iam takeing care of and there mother came in ans out when she feel but she Always get there hopes up and make it harder on me and the see it iam not their mother so they don't have to do what I say. I now have a 1yr son and I think he will pick up on their ways and feel that he to can do the same. I told my husband if he don't talk to the kids and something work out the i will walk and i wasn't playing. so we sitt down and we All talk to the kids and it's not a lot better but it's getting there. just sit and talk we have been doing this for a yr and 1/2 now hope this help

Answer 8

One thing for sure, you need to sit down with your daughter and explain to her that what the other child is doing is not the way to be and that the child will have a very hard time later on in the adult world. That you are trying to train and prepare your daughter for her future life. It is VERY important that you talk with your daughter about this.

Another thing you need is Family Counseling. Your bf needs to have counseling on his own on how to handle this child. Let a professional help you. Go by yourself if need be.

By the way, I doubt if the patterns that have already been set in motion can be changed in your bf's daughter. Do your best to keep your daughter safe.

Answer 9

That father isn't doing his daughter any favors.
he isn't helping her deal with emotional stuff,
and she is going to have real problems because
not everybody is going to excuse her bad behavior.

Y'all can start family counseling now - which might help the daughter as fast as possible. If not, she is going to have to learn different ways to behave as an adult and it will be a lot tougher on her then, because she thinks these behaviors are acceptable. I know it is hard on you, but she needs an advocate for her to be CAPABLE. Her father isn't doing that.

Answer 10

Find a counsilor that can talk to him and explain why she needs rules and discipline. That there are consequinces and outcomes that will eventually effect him also. Humans throughout history have gone to hell and back and still lived so I doubt the few things she's been through will scar her forever, but a dad that doesn't understand will. His feeling sorry for her is her crutch.