HELP! My son's puberty may kill me.?

Question

So my son is 12 and will turn 13 in February. My problem is that he is so aggressive and angry that I don't know what to do. He is mouthy and rude. He told me yesterday that I should "get a clue" that his groundings weren't working. He said that all I was accomplishing was making him angry. I can't get him to do his homework or chores. His dad and I are divorced but he lives with his step-father and me. Right now, his step-father is only home on the weekends due to job issues. His transfer should be complete within the next month but I'm not sure we can make it that long. He sees his dad every other weekend and has grandparents that are very involved. I don't like to spank (I was abused as a child). Maybe that's where I have screwed up. PLEASE help. I am not sure I can survive HIS puberty!

WHOA! I did not screw up by divorcing his ABUSIVE father. Welcome to the real world sweetie.

Wow. Some of you people have serious issues. Now I am being compared with mothers who let their children stockpile firearms? GEEZ. Get a grip. And maybe something to remove that stick from your butt, too.
For those actual helpful questions:
He does take care of himself very well. He showers twice a day and brushes his teeth twice a day. There are days when he is an absolute delight and we laugh and talk like nothing is wrong. But then there are other days when I almost just want to stay at work and never come home.

Answer 1

No no no, you didn't fail your son because you didn't spank him.
But you will fail him if you fall for the con job he's trying to perpetrate on you. Of course your groundings are having an affect on him. Otherwise he wouldn't need to say a thing about it would he!

Now your husband probably has little status as an authority figure in his life if he didn't come into the picture before your son reached the age of about 7 or 8, so you and the boys father have to form a united front if you want to help your son get through this part of his life with any success.
I don't mean that you should move back in together, but you can still appear to your son to be of one mind when it comes to discipline even if you live far apart from each other.
That means that whatever differences that may exist between you & your ex need to be put aside, & you both will if you truly love your son & wish for him to succeed in life.

There HAS to be the same set of rules in both homes, the same set of consequences in both homes, & he HAS to know that when he misbehaves that both his parents know about it, & that the consequences that rain down on him come from both of you, not just the one that is standing in front of him at that moment.
How do you do that?
Your ex comes over to the house, and you both stand in front of him, and together you both read the kid the riot act.
Together you strip his room down to the bare walls, leaving only a bare mattress and a blanket to sleep on the floor.
When he goes to his dads on the weekend, he finds his room there in the same state.
He gets his act together, & starts following the rules, & learns how to be respectful, & he starts to get some of his stuff back.

He needs to learn that everything he gets from you is a PRIVILEDGE. The only obligation you have to provide him with is a roof over his head, & food on his plate. Everything else he gets when he shows that he deserves it.
Yes puberty has a lot to do with it, but he needs to be taught self control, or when he's finished with puberty he won't have any controls in place. Then you won't be dealing with an adolescant who is going through puberty, you will be dealing with an adult who has a distorted sense of entitlement, and no self control.

Answer 2

Family counseling would be helpful. Maybe just you and your son, until his stepfather is home all the time. This can be a tough time in your life. Your son is going through a lot of changes too. Could something at school be making him angry? Maybe he is having a hard time with a subject, is he doing his home work. Is is getting good grades, or have his grades taken a nosedive lately? Does he take a bath every night, brush his teeth. Sounds like a little thing, but failure to keep up good grooming is a sign of depression. I can tell you, that this will change, it will get better. Teens, both boys and girls, get to a point where they think you know nothing and they know everything. It will not help much now, but someday you are going to be surprised at how much your adult son thinks you know. Hang in there.
The fact that there are good days when you and he talk and laugh, is a good sign. Those are the times when you should really have good talks and ask if anything is bothering him. But really, it may just be puberty. Some kids seem to go throught it more easily than others. The good news is, he will get through it. My son and his wife make it a point to visit at least once every weekend. And we have such fun, good conversation, good times. But when he was 16, some days I did not even like him. LOL, I think all Mothers have times like this. Say to yourself, "This too shall pass."

Answer 3

It's a stage, calm down.

First of all, YOU are the mother and him mouthing off is a wrong-o. Tell him to go put his nose in the corner, and he can come out when he wants to treat you with respect. Literally, make him stay there. No exceptions... not for dinner or anything. When he comes out make him apologize.

Discipline, girl... discipline. You don't have to lash him or slap him across the face. Instead of him going up to his room or whatever he does, make him sit on the couch infront of his homework and make him stay there until it's done, when it's done check it. Don't yell, be calm and firm. I know that when i was younger, i was also spanked too. Of course, i had two options... i could get spanked or eat a bar of soap. I know that spanking sounds awful, and i know myself and you too that it isn't the funnest thing in the world... but think about the outcomes of those spankings, after them... did you learn your lesson? I did after the first couple. If there's no other solution, you almost have to turn to this option.


If you want, sit down and have a heart to heart talk. Remind him, you want it to be calm and just a simple discussion. Ask him what you can do to take the stress off his shoulders, and if that happens will he do his homework and his chores. If so and it's not to huge of a step, then grant him it. Tell him you trust him, but if he breaks it... and doesn't keep to what he says then he'll loose everything and earning trust back is NOT an easy or fast process.

It's all for the better. If you don't enforce it, then he will bomb school and just become worse.

Answer 4

You obviously love your son or you wouldn't be asking this question. So maybe try tough love. If you don't want to spank, and he's prolly too old for that, start taking things away. One by one. Start with making a list of things he loves according to least to greatest. Work your way up the list. And make sure your ex-husband knows what you're doing so he can follow through. If he isn't aware of what you're trying to do, it can mess it up. Maybe try an award system also. For every 5 chores he gets something back, or every week he doesn't back-mouth you. It seems a little childish but it worked for me when I was his age. And yelling at him brings you down to his level, which is right where he wants you. So stay calm and assertive. Good luck

Answer 5

I can relate. I’ve already had one son go through it and I have another son that is currently going through it. I don’t understand why they seem so ‘angry’ because my children certainly had NOTHING to be angry about. But regardless I experienced it with both of them.

I found with my children that one *very important thing* was for ME to remain calm at all times (even if it met separating myself from the situation for 5/10 minutes so I could get my emotions under control), because they seem to react to my reactions, so if I got frustrated, then it only increased their frustration, but if I remained calm, eventually it would begin to calm them down some. With #2 son I also found that allowing him to be very involved in sport helps (I’m guessing that has something to do with the physical activity serving to work off his excess energy). If it’s *excessively bad*, check into counseling. Some insurance companies will pay for it.

You are not alone. Every parent experiences this to some degree (although some children have a much harder time with it then other children). There IS light at the end of the tunnel. He will eventually outgrow it, but it seems like it takes forever. And how you handle things when he’s in this stage, will have a big effect on where he will be when he’s through this stage.

Answer 6

It is clear that you cannot be his friend, so you will have to function as his parent. This is not normal and should not be tolerated.

It could very well be this reluctance to spank that he is taunting you with. He is an aggressive dog that needs more aggressive tactics to get him under control. A spanking seems very much in order here.

Groundings will not work if he is locked in a room filled with TV, stereo, I-pod, game system, PC and internet. Every time he mouths off, you need to subtract some prized possession of his and lock it up. You can give it back to him when he demonstrates that he is sorry and does what is expected of him. Explain that it is a lot easier to do the homework and few little chores asked of him than it is to fight doing them.

You need to find him an outlet for this aggression... get him into sports or scouting... something with an authority figure that will fill in for his father.
Failing all that, he needs to go live with his father.

If you don't get this aggression under control now, he will run rampant in just a short year or two. We're talking trouble with the law, drugs and all that. The kid is a ticking time bomb.

Answer 7

Its a miracle children live to adulthood. I know one of my daughters is really lucky.

He's baiting you. So what if grounding him makes him angry, if it wasn't bothering him, he wouldn't have mentioned it. You will need to keep one step ahead of this one, he's smart. Just keep taking away privileges until you reach critical mass. You don't have to provide anything but food, medical and dental care, clothing, a roof over his head and an education. Just hang tough, you are on the right path. Resist the urge to use physical punishment, again he's simply baiting you.

The good news if you allow him to live(just kidding here), he will probably grow up to be a blessing. Oh and physical work will take care of the aggression, I suggest you put him in charge of the yard, or your car or anything that is physically demanding. Good luck!

Answer 8

Anne2 is right, I was real nasty, as a teen to my Mom. I would not wear anything but black clothes. I would not even take out the trash, and my room was a mess. But you know Mom just stayed calm, she talked to me about why I was acting like that. And she told me she knew I could do better. And when I did do something nice, she made sure she complimented me on it. She let me wear black clothes and did not comment, and one day, I just got bored with black clothes, and picked something else. And I grew up and married and have two nice kids of my own. anne is right, this too shall pass.

Answer 9

Just tell him how you feel.

I know every time I get into a fight with my parents, it always makes me feel like I'm getting somewhere when they tell me what they are feeling.

After I went through his stage, I looked back and thought to myself, "Was I really that much of a jerk?"

It's a stage all kids will go through. Just talk to him about where your nice son went, and then ask him why he feels this way about you, and what you can do to fix it.

Answer 10

let him get angry , hes just a child, try laying down the rules now before its too late, tell him what the rules are, say its his choice if he follows them , but since he thinks hes an adult hes going to learn about the adult world, tell him next what the consequences are for each rule he breaks and how long these consequences will be. For example if he gets violent and trys to hit you or throws things, call the police on him, or if he breaks curfew , take his tv out of his room and stop computer use for a week. pretty soon he will get tired of having nothing and doing nothing and will straighten up .