How to explain a child that a close relative is about to die?

Question

How to explain the concept of death with honesty but without inducing a needless trauma?

The child is a girl of six.

Answer 1

My son's beloved grandfather passed away two months ago after a long battle with cancer. My son was very close to him; he lived less than two miles away, so my son had seen him every day of his life since he was born. Because my FIL didn't show signs of being ill until about two weeks before he passed away (he was a tough guy who handled his illness like a champ for three years), my son, who was just under three years old, had no idea what was going on at first. I explained to him that Grampy was very sick, and the kind of sickness he had was one that most people didn't get - that while most people get better after being sick, Grampy wasn't going to get better. If you celebrate a faith, use that to explain the concept of death. Or, just say simply that after the person dies, he or she won't be sick or in pain anymore. But also explain that everyone may be very sad because they won't be able to see the person anymore; you don't see people after they die (you can bring up Heaven if that's what you believe in). Also, don't hide the child from any services for the person. Many people make the mistake of keeping the kids at home, which can be very traumatic and make death seem taboo. Children grieve, too, and need to be able to say goodbye. My son attended both his grandfather's wake and the funeral, and understood surprisingly well. We didn't force him to go, and told him he could stay him if he wanted, but he chose to go. We explained that the Grampy he knew - his soul - was in Heaven, or you could just say the body stops working. Make sure the child also knows that death is NOT like sleeping, and avoid using any comparisons to sleeping when discussing death. My son actually understood that his grandfather's body was just his body and not really his grandfather, and knew that he was not going to wake up - I was kind of surprised to see my son tear up when he said goodbye - proof that he understood.
If you do believe in Heaven, a great book for children is called What's Heaven? by Maria Shriver. It's a bit lengthy, and some parts might be hard for little ones to understand, but I found it easy to adapt for my young son. It really helped him understand what was happening.
Another idea we thought of for our son was a special ceremony for him to say goodbye. You can do a balloon release, with a note or drawing from the child to the deceased person attached to it.
Just remember that children DO grieve just as much as adults do, but often in different ways. A child who seems happy on the outside often really isn't when it comes to a death in the family. You may also want to try your local Hospice center. They often have free grief counseling for children. Even if you don't want to bring your child in to counseling, someone may be able to give you some more specific tips on how to help your kids cope if you give them a call. Good luck.

Answer 2

It really depends on how old the child is. I know many people shelter children from death until a surprisingly old age. I think that's wrong.

In my culture and community, we've never treated children any different from adults when it came to death. Children were never lied to, or had funerals hidden from them. Since families around here tend to go back many generations, most children can scarcely remember a time WITHOUT death. The first funeral I remember attending was my great-grandfathers. I was only 13 months old. I remember the strangest things from it. I only have one clear memory of that great-grandfather, but it's detailed enough for me to know that I loved him before his death. I don't remember much from the funeral except confusion about why SOME of my family got to sit in the "family" section near the casket, while my other great grandparents stood and watched from outside the tent with the rest of the people. (They were the great-grandparents from the OTHER side of the family, but such distinctions were lost on me at that age.) By the time I was 3, when my great aunt died, I already knew what to expect.

You children will cry. They need to, they need to say goodbye. I'm not sure what faith you follow, but explaining about heaven can help. When I was very young, I liked thinking that my great-grandparents, aunts, and uncles could now watch out for me from heaven. It made missing them just a little bit easier. If there is still time, allow your children to say goodbye to the relative at the hospital (or wherever the "deathbed" is). Gathering around the passing relative with other members of the family is probably even more theraputic than the grieving and funerals after. In those last few hours, people have so many memories, and so many emotions flowing that it can be a great bonding time for the family that will be left to carry on. This can help children feel safe because the exuberance of love helps start healing the hole that the passing family member will leave even before the death.

I hope you and your family are able to be strong, and I am sorry for your pain.

Answer 3

I believe honesty without the emotional baggage is best. When my father passed away, my kids were 5 and 7 years old. I explained to them calmly that their grandfather got sick and the doctors tried a bunch of stuff, but it didn't work and he died. We aren't a very religious family, but I did say that he was with God now and no longer suffering. I said that I was sad and missed him. AND THAT WAS IT....I didn't weep or sob or carry on, and if they ever bring it up, we discuss it. I try to redirec the conversation from sadness to remembering something fun or funny or interesting about him. How you handle this can set the stage for how your children will learn to cope in life with life's hard stuff....so try to be practical, reasonable, and not too dramatic. Sorry someone is about to pass away in your family, it really is a difficult time.

Answer 4

When my Dad passed away it was very sudden and unexpected. My son and I were with him when it happened and my son was only 1 1/2 at the time. I don't know if he realized what had happened, but I know that afterwards he was lost for a long time. I tried explaining to him that Papa went to heaven because God told him it was time to go. I don't think that he remembers that day now, it's been a year, but I do know that when he looks at pictures of Papa he still knows who he is and he gives him kisses. :) My sister told my 3 year old nephew the very same thing, that papa went to heaven cause God said it was time for him to go and that papa was up there watching us from the sky.

Answer 5

Well it depends on the maturity of the child and sometimes the age.Try talking to him/her slowly and calmly.Dont lie!
While that person is sick dont say anything.
Just say this certain person is now gone."He has gone to a better place...but hes watching us from above.Hes still with us, except we cant see him. He/her wouldnt be happy if u cried just keep him/her in your heart to remember him" Remember be patient if he asks lots of questions and if the child cries. hope i helped♥

Answer 6

I didn't say anything until after my mom passed to my kids. There is never a correct way to say that someone died. You just have to say it and get it over with. Let them ask you questions and answer them honestly and then give them a journal if they are old enough to write and let them write as if they are talking to the person who has just passed

Answer 7

This might not be correct, but my first instinct would be not to say anything until after they pass. It just seems more natural to explain that so-and-so passed, or went to heaven, or whatever your belief system is.
.

Answer 8

Yes, how old? If it's like, an age of about 4, check with your local library to see what books they have. If your religious, go to a church with him/her and have someone explain it that way. hope I helped. My great-grandma died.

Answer 9

this all depends on how old the child is and their maturity level. can you give more info on the situation so we can answer better?

Answer 10

How old is your child?