My grandson behavior is unreal. Any suggestions.?

Question

I have raised eight children and have eight grandchildren, and I have never experienced a child like my 2 1/2 year old grandson. He bites and hits and pinches and kicks my daughter (his mother) and then will bite himself and hit himself in the face. This is over any thing when he does not get his way. I went out to Pizza Hut to eat with them this afternoon and I have never experienced such behavior in any child. My daughter has tried spanking, slapping hands, time out. You name it. It only gets his anxiety level higher and he begins all the biting and scratching her. He has been kicked out of two day cares for throwing chairs at other kids and hitting them or pushing, shoving or biting them. My daughter cried three times on our outing about this child. She is so good to him, but will not tolerate his behavior and is at wits ends. No one, including myself in the family will keep this child for her. The family cringes when she sees her coming to visit with him. Any one relate to this?

Answer 1

I would suggest taking him to a paediatrician and having him checked he may have a form of autism.

Answer 2

Its impossible for a child to just up and develop this behavior, it happens because of the parent. Either by them not punishing them consistently, not having attainable expectations for them, or by inactivity when they do misbehave.

If she's tried everything she obviously isnt consistent. If a child misbehaves and the punishment doesnt work, you simply repeat the process again. Explain they are misbehaving, why its wrong, what you expect, and a spanking.

Beyond that, if kids get their way all the time, even when they fight and bite and kick and carry on, it only creates in them instability and insecurity, which compounds the problem making it worse. Its like a vortex. Until finally the parents reach a point where the child is so confused, so out of control and they are so baffled by the behavior that they just give up and stop, for fear of causing a scene or a blow up, or a tantrum.

Even things as simple as asking him "what do you want to do today", or "which shirt do you want to wear" can cause insecurity in some children. It suggests that the adult who's supposed to be stable and in control doesnt know what to do, and is depending on the child. This is the result, children who are out of control and cannot be delt with.

Some times a parent who is so sweet to their kids is the problem to begin with. Kids need schedules, they need consequences for everything, everything they do needs to be planned out for them, especially at this age. And a mom who always does her best to be sweet and loving can be counter productive, when what the child needs is a rigid back bone and someone who loves them enough to say no, long before it becomes an issue.

You'll remember this from having had 8 kids. Everything happened on schedule and every child knew what was expected of them and when, and they didnt dare vary from it for fear of a swift correction.

I would suggest therapy for the child, and parenting coaches for the parents. Theyre not failures at all, they would be if they gave up and did nothing, and that is not what they are doing at all. They are just lost.

Answer 3

Is the child's father around? Fathers are almost invariably much more efficient at disciplining children than mothers are, especially when the child is a boy. (Notice that talk shows featuring "out of control kids" usually have a mother who "just doesn't understand" what the problem is, and no father in sight.) This sounds to me like a classic case of a little boy being raised by a single mother. If that is the case, perhaps your daughter could look into parenting classes or consult a child psychologist/behaviorist. If the father is involved (ie, married to the mother, actively involved in child-rearing, invested in his family, etc.) then it may be something more serious, and professional intervention may be in order.

Answer 4

How is his speech? The reason I am curious is that i have a 4 year old son that since he was 2 has had some rather crazy tantrums like you described. He had a speech delay and has since been diagnosed as high functioning autistic. His tantrums have improved along with his speech, but we still have issues with him more frequently than we should for his age. We also tried spanking, hand slapping, and time-out. Timeout was our key with my son. HE HATES IT. BUT we still had issues with biting. We used a misting spray bottle with half water and half listerine. It is diluted enough not to be a completely AWFUL experience, but it still has enough zing in it to get the point across. We only had to use it once for biting and that was the end of the biting phase. We now use it for screaming and disrespectful language. It is a very effective tool for my son. Has your daughter expressed any concerns about behavior to her son's doctor? They have developmental preschools (at least here in Kansas) that provide services for children with a variety of issues ranging from simple speech/language issues to children with severe behavior problems. They work with the children with special techniques to resolve whatever issues the child has. In the state of Kansas, it is provided by the school district and is available to children 3yrs and up at no cost to the parents. You might check into it and see if there is anything like that in your area. The specialists at the school have been an invaluable resource for our family. Give your daughter a big hug from me - I have been there many times crying my eyes out trying to figure out how to manage my son. I know her frustration. Hang in there. ;)

Answer 5

"My daughter has tried spanking, slapping hands, time out. You name it." Spanking is reinforcing the idea that violence is okay so he continues to use violence against his mother.
It is obvious that she is totally inconsistent in disciplining him otherwise by now it would be working. He is simply throwing tantrums and his mother reacts to them which is what he wants. It doesn't matter that she reacts by hitting him although when he goes to school and is hitting kids because he isn't getting his way she can thank herself for instilling that within him. The best way to not tolerate his behavior is simply NOT tolerate it. Don't take him out into public until he can behave properly. That's what I did when my daughter started acting this way, I removed her from where we were, took her home, and placed her in her dad's hands for the afternoon. When I needed to go out and he wasn't around I either hired a sitter or I traded off with one of the other moms in the neighborhood watching each other's kids. She would bite herself till she bruised, she would throw herself to the ground so hard she would bounce, she held her breath, she would bang her head on any hard surface. I NEVER had to resort to hitting her and the "time outs" worked very well for me because I was CONSISTENT with them. I didn't "give up" and try something else, then something then resort to hitting. Hitting only proves that the parent doesn't have the intelligence to parent effectively without resorting to physical violence against the child...How must that effect a child's mind to know their parent CHOOSES physical violence against their own child...

Answer 6

This child needs professional help. He is very unhappy and is making everyone else unhappy too. Does the food your daughter gives him contain a lot of additives? Maybe he is autistic in which case he will be extra sensitive in all or some of his senses. Sounds for instance will be much louder to him and cause him to react with bad behaviour. Get him help now. Spanking and slapping will not help, it will only set a bad example and reinforce his behaviour. Good luck I wish you all well.

Answer 7

Yes I can. But my child has bi-polar. And has had it since he was 2.