stay at home moms.....have you ever thought about this?

Question

currently, my fiance and i dont have any children, but when we do, i will continue working. right now, i work and go to school...soon i will be a physical therapist assistant. my reasons to continue working is that i dont know what the future holds. i want to be prepared for anything that may come up. i see so many times where the man is the bread winner, and the wife chooses to stay home with the kids, but when the marriage is over, the wife is left with nothing but a broken heart and to raise kids. the wife, then, has to get back on her feet and hopefully find a job, so that she can support her family. she may luck out on getting a job if her age is a factor. im always thinking about situations like that. i just couldnt let my husband be the bread winner. he may want me to stay home with the kids, but i rather make money too, so that i dont feel like im spending his money. daycare wouldnt be an issue...yes, daycare is expensive, but thats why we have family.

for the ones who dont see the question....have you ever thought about where you would be after a divorce...if you chose to be a stay at home mom and not pursue a career?

robert k...my mom worked while she had my sister and me. we turned out fine. she didnt pawn us off on family..she had to support us. they knew she was trying to work, and they didnt see anything wrong it. now it would be different if she pawned us off just so that she could go out and run wild. there is nothing wrong if you choose to stay home or work. also, theres nothing wrong with being prepared either.

okay, my fiance and i have been together for 11yrs. its not like im setting myself up for failure. its just that not everyone stays married. tomorrow is never guaranteed either.

i've been working since i was 17yrs old...im 29yrs old. to say im working to prepare myself for divorce....no im not. i grew up in a working family and was taught not to depend on a man financially. to some it may not feel like you are depending on a man. you know what, bout a few months ago, my mom told me something. you know what that was, she told me that she wished that she couldve stayed home more when we were children. i knew she loved us...she didnt have to stay home to prove that she loved me. she worked hard mon-fri, and still came home and cleaned house, cooked, and help me out with homework. when i got a little older, i was able to help out around the house. hell at 15 i got a part time job to help out. it didnt last long, so i dont really count that as my first job. she was married, but husband was disabled....he didnt leave everything for her to do, but she felt that she was a better housekeeper.

and the ones who think family is used for free daycare...get real....our family is close...its not like we live across the united states and only visit on holidays, or when there is a death in the family. our family helps one another out. there is nothing wrong with allowing your child to babysit by family...who said that it was for free?

meant to say there is nothing wrong with allowing your family to babysit your child.

my fiance and i already work slightly opposite shifts, so someone would be home with the child.

no, im not criticizing SAHMs...working moms get criticized for working...its like you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you dont. dont hate me because i want a career and be a mom. can i not have a career? whats so wrong with that. if i was a single mom, ppl would bash me for that....they would say, why dont you get a job, do something than just have babies if you cant take care of them. to make the world happy, then i have find a man to take care of me, so that i can raise kids.

Answer 1

There is nothing wrong with this. I would also plan what will happen to you and your fiance in case of divorce (pre-nup) with money issues, housing issues etc. Also in the case you do have children plan about that too - who will have custody eyc. This saves a lot of heart ache. If you feel this would be an issue to bring up about having a pre-nup then quite possibly he is not the one. I thought my current ex and I would be together forever. But as you can see - he is now an ex. We made no contigencies for the future in case of divorce - ie custody, housing issues etc. This is always a good idea so as to avoid lengthy court battles. It is also called responsibility. For those that say you are thinking doomsday before you even get married - you are not. It is called responsibility :-) Also as far as children go - quality time is always better than quantity time. Someone who spends every second of every day with their child might not be making that time count. I know this because I have been on both sides of the coin. While I would love to be able to stay hoem with my dd, that is not possible. I did that for her first three years, now I have to work.

As long as you think responsibly before you get married and in decisions regarding any children you will be fine. Work together with your fiance (husband) you and the children will be fine.

Answer 2

Personally, when I got married I said till death do us part and I meant it so hopefully we wont split up (obviously some things are unforgiveable and you shoudlnt stay together if its an unproductive relationship).

I am a stay at home mum for now, my little boy is almost a year. However, I also have a high class degree from one of the best universities in the country/world and lots of experience in the field I would eventually like to work in. I also own a half stake in the house. And, perhaps most importantly, a very supportive family so that should the worst happen and I need to deal with the little one on my own I know that I would a/ cope and b/ after some time get a good job, sell the house, buy a new house and make a new life.

I think its important to remember too that some people cant afford to work because their salary wouldnt pay for childcare, travel etc etc.

Answer 3

I am married with 3 kids, 2 from a previous marriage. I don't think I could be a stay at home mom, just because I went through the divorce and had to raise my kids by myself. I do only work part time though, so my new husband is the primary bread winner, but I do feel like I contribute by working part time. Our families help out with babysitting for our little one, but the other two are in school so I work while they are at school. That way I have more time at home with them in the evenings. Another option is to work opposite shifts so that someone is always home with your child, but that can take a toll on the marriage as you don't get to see as much of each other.

Answer 4

how about just worry about it when you get there? I was in the Marines when i meant my husband and I had no intentions of gettting out. We married a year later had a child and in the best interest in the child i got out to stay at home with her. Daycare wasnt a option for me. If you prefer a career have a career, if you want to be a mom, be a mom...theres no perfect balanace with a career and family..
either way you wont know how your going to feel till you cross that road. What may work for you may not work for me. You should be so lucky you have a husband that is willing to support you if thats the road you choose.
Good luck with the family thing, thats a pretty lame one...family watching your kids wont last for ever. Thats mainly like a weekend out type thing, not a everyday ordeal. But these are all my opinions. Ive been married 8 years and have 2 kids. Been a sahm for 7 years. good luck with your choice.

Answer 5

I would REALLY consider not having children. Or consider that you might want to stay home with each kid only for a year or two then re-enter the work force. This is a tough question but honestly, it will be extremely difficult to go back to work once your maternity leave is over. My baby just turned one and I cannot imagine leaving her during the day. Perhaps there is a way you could work at home? Explore all the possibilities before you decide on going back to work full time. Babies are best cared for by their mothers....ESPECIALLY if you plan to breastfeed (which you should do). Good luck and I hope you find support in whatever decision you make. (As a side note, why are you worrying so much about divorce? Perhaps explore this with your mate before considering children. They only make things more complex.)

Answer 6

You sound like one smart cookie! You make me proud. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to follow your dreams. Just because you have kids does not mean that you should sacrifice these dreams for them. If you do, you will end up resenting your children and that will not do them any good. Don't let anyone tell you that being a working woman and wanting to have a life of your own is a bad thing. The people who say such things are probably miserable because they decided to forgo what they were driven to do with their lives. I have seen so many women be stuck in abusive marriages because they could not leave as they think they can't survive financially having given up any inkling of a career to rely on a man.

Lesson is: don't rely on anyone but yourself and yourself only. Keep up with your schooling and find a great job and maybe you'll make enough money so that he can stay at home.

Answer 7

I'm so glad someone was so smart to figure out what we stay at home moms know nothing about.{note the sarcasm} and the fact that you would be spending "his money" ..hate to tell you this..but in a marriage its 50/50 whether the wife works or the husband works or not!!! And since you do not have any children at this time means...you really do not understand what it is to be a stay at home mom. It's great you had such a wonderful family without a stay at home mom..but not everyone does...not everyone has it has perfect as you have had...alot of times...life hits you hard...and your family was blessed not to have to deal with that...and also..not everyone has family to babysit for them....you have to think!! Walk a mile in someone else's shoes and then you can try to understand the circumstances...and not every woman is thinking when she has kids that she will be divorcing either...we don't walk into marriage expecting or "planning" on a divorce...if you are "preparing" for a divorce..then you really have no business getting married!

Answer 8

I'm a stay at home mom. I don't see any problem with your choice to work, for whatever reasons are important to you. However, I can tell you that I'm not terribly concerned about what you point out because I made a point of going to school and getting some work experience before having kids. I have a law degree and years of work experience as an attorney. I know that having been out of the workforce to raise my 4 kids will make it somewhat difficult to find a job, but I'm very confident that I will be able to find work when I need or want to go back. I do agree that it is very risky for women to start families before finishing school and making themselves ultimately employable in case they need to support the family (because of death, illness, or simply their spouse's losing a job). Also, kids are only young for so long, and at some point (even if it's not for awhile) I think that most women would want to be in the workforce when their kids are able to take care of themselves, and they will need skills to be able to do so.

In the meantime, though, I certainly don't feel like I'm spending my husband's money. I supported him by working while he was in graduate school, now he's supporting us while I do my part by raising the kids (which we would otherwise be paying someone else a lot of money to do). It is our family's money. We both see it that way. And my husband knows that I am hardly sitting on my butt all day while he's at his office! I do feel that I'm very much pulling my weight by raising our four kids under the age of 9.

Again, do what works for you and your family. But realize that other things might work for others.

Answer 9

Well, thats nice if that works for you.... keep in mind all these plans are fine, but you may feel very differently once you actually have a child.

I don't agree with this line of thought - call me naive, but its along the lines of a prenup. You're making provisions so the marraige can fail. Why bother getting married if you feel it could fail? I chose to stay at home with my three kids. I'm fortuneate I had that choice. We have a very good life insurance plan, in case god forbid something happens to either of us, the other can live comfortably and raise the kids.
I feel very comfortable saying divorce is not an option for us, so I don't feel the need to make provisions for it. And lets say, randomly, it happened. I know my husband is a good enough man and father he would not leave us stranded and flailing on our own, he would continue to support his children.

So I guess my question to you is, why would you marry a man you think could possibly divorce you and then not support your children? I think this is what people should think about.

Answer 10

Yeah, I know what you mean. I've been with my fiance for four and a half years, and we have a wee boy who is 6 months old. I would be perfectly happy to stay at home and play with him all day - and so would my finace. But, no, I can't do that. Money isn't an issue either. I dont' know what the future holds, we've had our share of ups and downs - and we are perfectly happy together.

Whats the problem? Just like you said, if we did go our own ways one day (hey, we're still young - i'm 19 and he's 20), I'd be stuck in a low paying job with education above high school, i'd struggle to make ends meet - and it'd be hell.

I had one year at university before I had Luke(my son), and I've soon decided on a comprimise. I'm going back next to university next year, and I'm going to change my major. I'm not going to do computer science as I had planned - why? I'd love to get into game design, and by no means is it a family friendly job. I don't think that working for most of your life, not being able to be around the ones you love, is worth it. Having my son really changed my perspective. I'd really love to be a midwife here - so I've decided, that is what i'll do.

My partner is going back to Uni too - our classes don't really clash together, so we will be able to share time with Luke. When I've graduated, I'll only take a part-time caseload of clients. (For those in USA, a midwife delivers babies in New Zealand, as opposed to a Ob/gyn, then does their checkups until 6weeks). Hopefully, that'll allow me time to raise my own son, as opposed to a childcare center(Uni is quite far from the city our family lives in).

If anything happens with me and my partner, I know that I'm still in the workplace and can pull things together from there.