Waiting to adopt but have a question 4 any adopted as a child...?

Question

We are hoping to adopt a little girl from infant to toddler. Lately, some family members have been really pressuring me not to ever tell our child that she is adopted. I have very mixed feelings about this. For those of you who are adopted, what do you think? Is there a right age to tell? Or do you think you would have been better off never knowing? I don't like deception so my gut instincts tell me that the child SHOULD know....but any and all answers are appreciated!!

Answer 1

Tell them and do it early. I am 42 and was told, by accident while in first grade. I lived in a small town and all the parents knew and it got to their kids. I was being teased on the playground about being "adopted." (In reality, non of the kids including myself knew what "adopted" was, but it was just another word that meant that I was different.) My mother was crying at the kitchen table when I got home that afternoon, she waited for my Dad to come home and we sat down and talked about it. I was more concerned with why my Mom was crying than that I had been adopted. My parents explained that they wanted me badly that it the only way to have me was to adopt. They explained what that meant and it didn't matter how I got my Mom and Dad. They were my Mom and Dad and that's all I needed. Telling me early is the best thing they could have done, they told me when it didn't matter. I haven't searched out my birth parents, out of respect for my Mom, but have been thinking about it recently due to all the discoveries in genetics. Long term health issues we have found are often passed on and that information could add years to my life, which is another reason to tell them. Just some random thoughts about my situation. Hope this helps, I'd be glad to talk if you would like.

Answer 2

My cousin and his wife adopted a 'waiting child' of 7. The entire process from start to finish was about a year. They had a home study roughly a month after applying. They found a little girl with significant heart problems - she'd been in foster care since birth. She'd been passed over by MANY couples because of the fear that she would die. From the time of applying to finalizing the adoption was about a year. They received medical care from the state for her, but that will end in January when they are able to add her to their health insurance. Her transition has been pretty good. While she had been in foster care all this time, she had regular contact with a paternal grandmother and aunt and continues to do so. There are some abandonment issues as she got older - awareness that there were other relatives who never visited who had the option to do so. I'm not sure if that ever goes away. While she was treated well in foster homes, there's always that niggling "why didn't they want to keep me?"

Answer 3

Well as you can see all adopted children where glad to know right from birth. This is very important. I have always known and never been bothered or upset by it. I have a strong adopted network over my years of searching for my BIO mom. I have had a few friends that found out later in life and it devastated "EVERY SINGLE" one of them. No ifs and or buts. Those kids were royally screwed up for years and some have never recovered. I also suggest an open adoption if possible. If you have any questions or want to know more feel free to e-mail me. I am very much in tune with the adopted com unity and will share anything about it.

Answer 4

I'm an adoptive parent, but I agree with others that it is your child's right to know.

Also, as a strictly selfish aside, it will also be a lot easier for *you* if you tell her from the beginning. Then you never have to look for the right time. You also get the "practice" of talking about things before your child is hanging onto your every word choice and processing it. (My child is 7 and just starting to ask the tougher questions. I am very glad we're not "starting cold," if you know what I mean.)

I can see where "waiting for the right age" could easily turn into "never found the right age." I cannot imagine how tough a big late-discovery talk would be for the parent (again selfishly, as it must be exponentially more difficult for the child).

Answer 5

your family members are WRONG.. very very wrong.


the right age to tell? BIRTH. your child's adoption story can be shared from birth on, in an age appropriate manner, and should be!

Not only that, but I strongly encourage you to look seriously at open adoption. your child deserves to have her questions answered from a very young age, and the only ppl who can answer ALL of the questions are the birthparents.

I don't remember not knowing that I was adopted. It was a fact of life, like having brown hair and blue eyes. I didn't think a lot about it until I adopted my son, and watched his mother go through her relinquishment.

Our son knows about his adoption, and has a very strong relationship with his other mother. (His father doesn't wish contact).


He's a well balanced, well adjusted kid.

if your child finds out at a later age, there is a good chance that she will never forgive you for lying to her. DON"T DO IT.

Answer 6

You should tell her when the time feels right. I think you will just know when it is right. My folks did. I was eight. I still remember the conversation. I also have an older adopted brother. He was told when he was six and he will tell you the same thing. He still remembers. They told him to allow him to understand how and why they were getting a "new" sister and she wasn't from the hospital.

She needs to know. It will be important to her. But don't dwell on the fact that she was adopted. She shouldn't feel any differently than if she was naturally born into the family. If you dwell with books and silly adoption stories, she may feel "different" from everyone else. Special is one thing, but "different" is another story.

Answer 7

I was adopted as a newborn and I have always known I am adopted I think the child should know not telling the child can result in resentment later and confusion wondering where they fit in. Telling them from the start will eliminate this and help them grow up knowing they were wanted by you as parents and you love him or her just as much as if you had given birth to him or her yourself. GL with the adventure of adoption and the new little one in your family!

Answer 8

They definitely should know. You start to tell them the second they are born. They make storybooks all about adoption that you can read to your child. This is what I am doing. Also, I'd like to encourage you to have an Open Adoption. This is where you keep in contact with the birth mom. It can be as little or as much as ya'll decide on. We see my son's birth mom about once every couple months. It's wonderful. This also helps her as well. She can see that she made the right choice and that her son is doing great.

Answer 9

I'm an adoptive mom and I've done an incredible amount of research on adoption. The current research tells you to tell the child that they are adopted ASAP. In fact, the social worker who does your homestudy will probably advise you to do so and will ask if you will. If you seem disinclined to do so, you might not "pass" the homestudy. At any rate, someone else said to start telling your child at birth. I agree with them. It's easy that way. You tell them the story adding on as they get bigger and can understand more. My daughter proudly tells her story to her friends and one told her mother that she wished she was adopted. Remember the child will imitate YOUR attitude and they are VERY astute at knowing what your attitude is. Don't fake it. Really know what you feel before you adopt and be comfortable with it.

Answer 10

I am an old school adoptee. I was born and adopted in the sixties. My adoptive mother was always honest with me. She even pestered me to search. She too wanted to know my natural mother. When the adoption agency denied me contact, she asked me to open and compassionate. She still has faith in her.

If you can , do an open adoption. Bypass the agency on this one. It is important for your child to understand his heritage. Also make sure that you get a copy of the original birth certificate. Give the natural mother a copy of the amended birth certificate. If your child never searches, your child has the very basic document that is denied to me as an adult. Honesty is always the best policy.