M11 year old daughter is going through puberty and my husband is asking her if she wants to go buy bras with him? We just got married and she is not his child is this something to worry about? We did not live together before we got married and after a month of marriage he is saying this
2007-10-12 04:20:23 · 30 answers · asked by me 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
HE ALSO TALKS ABOUT PERIODS ALL THE TIME AND THINGS GUYS USUALY DO NOT TALK ABOUT LIKE HE WILL ASK HER IF SHE IS CRAMPY AND ALL THIS STUFF i FIND ODD. hE EVEN COMENTED ABOUT HIS SISTER AND HER PERIOD WHO IS 45 AND HOW FLAT CHESTED SHE IS.
2007-10-12 04:29:13 · update #1
Better safe than sorry. Keep a CLOSE watch on his actions/behavior.
UPDATE
I looked through some of your past questions and know that you already suspected this man of being a preditor yet you still married him. Also in another question you said you will be getting married on Oct. 16th?????
Again in 2 other questions, your friend told you that she thinks he could be a child molester.
What's the story here, are you just blabbing for no reason, making crap up, or worse, are you dumb enough to put your daughters in that kind of danger?
2007-10-12 04:24:11 · answer #1 · answered by MOMof2 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I wonder how long you knew him prior to the wedding?
Regardless of that matter, it is very common for sexual predators to also be total chameleons' even to the people closest to them.
Often times you hear the hindsight " I just didn't know, they were the nicest person - you'd never even imagine!"
But it doesn't change the fact that he is displaying some serious red flags.
It is inappropriate for him to discuss your 11 year old daughter's breasts, or menstrual cycle. Which is a topic biological father's more or less strain to stay away from.
Also, it is a good thing that you are seeing this behavior and not ignoring it - because the effects this could have on your daughter come with a heavy price.
If abused her image of men will be damaged, and signs of abuse are most commonly found by young girls acting promiscuous with boys, or men.
It is a way of subconsciously or consciously taking back the control they felt they lost while being abused.
It is time to seek professional help and advice, but I must already commend you on your quick wit to get some quick answers here on this website.
Good Luck
2007-10-12 04:40:20 · answer #2 · answered by *Mrs. Butler* 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are a mother and whether or not you realize it God has blessed you with intuition. IF anything small or big sends off a red flag signal then listen to it. Trust you mommy skills, your mommy ears, your mommy fears. Talk to your daughter about this first. Remind her that no matter what you are her mother before his wife and you want her to come to you if she EVER feels uncomfortable. Create that safe zone for her. Then no matter if she's uncomfortable or not you are so talk to him. You can be gentle and still make your point clear. You could try an approach like this "I know you are trying to fit in with a family of girls and that's got to be hard sometimes but i wanted to let you know that somethings i need to reserve for only mother daughter conversations. Going through puberty, buying undergarments, periods, cramps, and other girly stuff is private for girls this age and i would feel better if you didn't approach those subjects with her anymore ok...thanks...i knew you'd understand" How he responds will let you know his motives. But even if his response is perfect keep your eyes open and the line of communication open too. I am not a professional so if you are still bothered by this talk to a professional about it. Churches are great for free and quick private consultations like this. They can also direct you to other places for professional help if needed. Good luck and you are a great mom for trusting your gut, getting out there and asking such a great question!!!!! -flowers
2007-10-12 04:53:27 · answer #3 · answered by flowers 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Red Flag! Red Flag!
I had a friend who married the most handsome, affluent, gracious, and thoughtful man. After a short whilrlwind romance, they were married in a quick ceremony. They never lived together, never slept over at each other's place. My friend had two daughters from a previous marriage.
Just weeks into their marriage, my friend noticed little things that started to bother her, but she brushed away any uncomfortable thoughts or feelings, thinking perhaps she was being "paranoid".
I never knew the full details, it was too painful for my friend to discuss, and I never pressed her. The marriage was annulled after three months, she and her daughters had counseling for quite a while, and my friend ended up with an STD.
Not suggesting that this awful scenario could happen to you, but I would certainly be on guard. These types of discussions would make me very uncomfortable.
2007-10-12 04:58:22 · answer #4 · answered by tracy 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds to me like this guy is a dork, but not evil.
Its plausible that he is well meaning, but trying to hard. His goal is to be a dad to her, but he likely doesnt know what that means. He might have been trying to help her be courageous, and to support her through a scary time, a very noble thing in the economy of men. I know nerdly men who wouldnt understand why that would be uncomfortable.
If he was being creepy then I have to ask why you married him. How long did you know him before you married him? If you knew him a long time, then its more likely that you had a more realistic idea of who he is before you married. That would make you the best candidate to evaluate "creepy".
Did you notice if he paid unhealthy attention to your daughter? Is he into porn, like enough to act out against a child? If you believe either, then leave him now.
An 11 year old just entering puberty has as much enticement for a man as a telephone pole, or a brick wall. There is serious weirdness getting used to the transition from them being "your baby" to being a mature sexual being, but thats different. It takes a lot of brokenness for an adult to become interested in a child in that way. Wouldn't you have noticed by now if he was that broken? If not why not?
If you think he is a dork, and not darth vader, then tit down with your husband and say "I think it was noble that you wanted to help her, but that could come off to her as weird. Just like a man goes to his father to learn what manhood is about, and would talk about penis-related issues with his father about a million times easier than with his mother, a girl goes to her mother for that stuff. I know you want her to not have to go through the insecurity, and the fear, that comes with big changes in her life, but this is the one place where she needs to do the initiating of serious things like clothes shopping. The four biggest things in a teenagers world are: clothes, makeup, boys, and shoes. This is a big upset for her. Compared to a woman, you know nearly nothing about a bra. The average man knows about bras about the same as the average woman knows how to teardown and rebuild the transmission on a 1963 Corvette."
I hope that helps. Sorry for "war and peace".
2007-10-12 04:43:13 · answer #5 · answered by Curly 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He should be asking you, your the mom. Maybe, "hunny can you take your daughter to go get a bra before her peers begin to notice her developing, and maybe embarrase her in school." I have a 12 yr old and the boys would say stuff to her in 5th grade, so it is something that needs to be addressed at her age but by the mother ~not the dad. Be very open with your daughter, sit down with her one night with a book by American Girl, About Yourself, I think is the title, it is similar to a workbook kinda and go through it together with her. Make sure your in a quiet room with her, It will bind you two in a special way so that if anything comes up later you will have a trust with her that will keep your mind at ease, it's a good age for her right now to understand all the things happening to her, let it be you~ she trusts with her questions NOT DAD! It will create a very strong relationship with the 2 of you. It is such an easy transition the way this book is written. It also allows her to be more open and relaxed, because it is natural but at the same time embarrasing to talk about, make sure it is not embarrasing to her to talk freely to you. I found this book at " Target" in the area where kids books are, and it was recommended by Girl Scount leaders to help them understand whats starting to happen to their bodies. Good Luck and I hope you and your daughter will always be very close! Communication is EVERYTHING! and she needs someone to go to when shes curious, let it always be YOU! or a grandmother. As for your question... is he creepy doing this? Absolutely NOT! I think he needed to go to you. He doesn't sound weird in any way but concerned about things she will be facing very soon.
2007-10-12 04:41:35 · answer #6 · answered by darlin 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think it's creepy my real dad told my mom one day to go buy me bras b/c i was starting to develop. Maybe he wants to do something like father-daughter stuff. If you think it's creepy ask him why did he suggest he take her and not you. Your married so communicating would be the best thing and if you felt he was any danger to your child, woudl you have married him? Does she seem strange around him at all? Make sure she can come to you about anything she needs to talk about. Also, let him know that your not quiet comfortable with him taking her, that you would much rather exprience this with her as she enters this stage in her life. Eventhough my dad din't offer to take me, I would of went with him rather then my mom. If he doesn't have children he probly just wants to develop the "Daddy's little girl thing" with her nothing more. Trust me I have a 10 yr old and I date a man that is not her real father and it wouldn't bother me if he aske dto take he rto the store, it would bother me is she didn't want to go..cus then I would think why doesn't she trust him......something to think about. I keep close tabs on my daughter so you just have to trust yourself you made the right decesion.
I didn't read the 2nd part of your question b4 i wrote this, so I will retract everything I just said..Cus a grown man shouldn't be talking about periods...illll!!!!!
2007-10-12 04:32:50 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yeah sweetie I would keep my eyes open. Alot of times its the ppl that we are closest too who are right under our noses. How old is he and does he have any children of his own? How long did you know him before marrying him? Alot of times ppl keep their past private because they dont want to be judged. Once a pedophile always a pedophile. You need to talk with your daughter and alert her if he ever tries to touch her inapproprietly to let you know. I wonder why he didnt just relay the message to you. Did you ever check registered sex offender website before marriage? If you find out he is a offender what are you prepared to do? I just saw the additional info you added. Sweetie it sounds like you need to get a divorce already! I say get out of this relationship asap. The vibe I'm getting from this guy although I never met him is not good at all. Maybe this guy was waiting to marry a lady with children just like pedophiles always want jobs so they can be around kids ie.. teachers, coaches etc...Remember God gave us all that little alert thing inside which alerts us when someone is up to no good. Follow your first mind and listen to the inner voice. Good Luck and keep being watchful
2007-10-12 04:31:59 · answer #8 · answered by Sugastack 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Does your daughter need a training bra? If so, you are the one that should go with her to buy one, not the stepfather! I do think this is a very unusual thing for a step dad to ask & maybe you should talk to him about why he would suggest such a thing & see what his reason is. I would be concerned too!
2007-10-12 04:26:54 · answer #9 · answered by SuziQ211 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
hm. I would say that going to buy the bras is the mum's job. It's not something a man should be involved with at all.
Maybe he's just trying to be helpful, get involved with his new family? But have there been any other weird comments, anything else you feel uncomfortable about?
2007-10-12 04:26:16 · answer #10 · answered by SLF 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋