Is this typical behavior for a nine year old, and should I step back?

Question

I have a 9 year old son who has not seen or spoke to his real father since he was 4. It's been 5 years since his mother and I have been married and he still shows resentment towards myself and others. He has few friends b/c of it I think. Last week my 4 year old daughter was invited to one of the new neighbors house for a b-day party. While I was in the driveway with most of the other parants and children watching my 2 and 4 year old, I hear one of the parants in the backyard yelling. Come to find out my son apparently stepped on the air flow to the moon bounce so it deflated on top of other children including hers. After that he went in the neighbors home and filled a baloon with soda, and let it shoot out the open end onto their new carpet. I tried to express my concern regarding his actions to my wife b/c it happens a lot, but as usual she took up for him. My wife and her mother coddle him too much b/c they feel sorry fo& get angry with me when I try to express my concern.

Answer 1

*laughs*

That behavior is normal at 16,.. 20,.. could be any age.

Don't connect him being mad at the strange replacement (you) and normal behavior for humans who are experimenting with things ( like... "What happens if I step on this?", " Could I prove powerful enough to make this deflate the entire way?", " What happens if I fill a Balloon with Soda instead of water?").

You need to address the Safety Risk he posed on the other children ( which probably wasn't clear to him). You will also want to clarify Soda can be damageing.

He may hold a grudge on you for replaceing his father for the rest of his life. Even when he is older and understands things better, it will still be there. People are easily upset when someone they love is replaced in any way,.. in any position. There are also unseen factors-- usually from other humans like Peers and Parents they are around. For all you know, when alone with other kids he may be called a bastard and the children repeat things their parents say in a taunting voice while beating him up.

I WOULD NOT WORRY about him. He isn't being evil or bad in relation to your relationship or in a damageing manner. Destruction and Violence would be along the lines of things you should be concerned about. Were this such a case and he was purely functioning in that way he would have thrown newspaper out and set the carpet on fire,.. or thrown rocks at kids in the moon thing,.. he would hurt his siblings to get back at you and posibly use tools like knives to destroy objects or hurt people,.. as well as threaten you with these. These are behaviors I have seen in children actting out or that are worrisome.

This is normal human behavior. He is experimenting. There isn't any way you can truely replace another loved one in his mind, don't try. He may need to feel safer about talking to you and his mom,.. one or the other in private or talking to you with the safety of his mother some times about his feelings if he was doing this because he was upset. But this sounds normal behavior and not like he was trying to cause harm or destruction.

Answer 2

It sounds to me like he's just being an annoying 9-year-old boy. Still, that doesn't give him an excuse to continue acting this way. His mother needs to understand that it is not good to always protect her son from punishment that he may very rightly deserve. I am assuming the 4-year-old and 2-year-old are her children as well, since you said you've been married to her for 5 years. Does that mean she's sticking up for her oldest boy even when he's bothering her younger kids? As the only father-figure he has around, it is your right and responsibility to make sure he grows up right and stops acting this way before he hits his teens and can potentially become really destructive. However, just try to put it in perspective and remember that "boys will be boys," and he may just be into pulling praks, being silly, etc. What if you took him for a nice outing, just the two of you, and you had a little man-to-man talk? You could let him know that you love him and you're counting on him to be the second "man of the house," meaning that he has to set a good example for his younger half-siblings. Boys that age tend to respond really well to being treated like grown-ups and given a little responsibility.

Answer 3

Yeah, typical behavior for a 9 year who has no discipline at home. At 9 years old he should know right from wrong. It is wrong to deflate the moon bounce on a bunch of little kids. And it's wrong to fill a balloon with soda and shoot it onto someones new carpet. In both circumstances he should of been punished. What did his mother do when you told her what he did????
If it was my child he wouldn't be watching TV, video games or playing with his friends for sometime.
That boy needs to be taught what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior NOW! Are you are going to have major problems with him when he gets older.

Answer 4

You are absolutely correct in your concerns. This child needs some counseling to start to handle his resentment without acting out. Would your wife rather she raise a good, decent well adjusted child or plan visiting him in jail now. This kid has problems and it is just not a kid-being-a-kid. Children that want to be mean to other children just for the sake of being mean are crying for some help. I have heard many people express concerns about their children and I am always one to "step-back" because there are certain things kids do that you will laugh about later on in life....but I can tell from your statements, that this is behavior that should be looked into. The problem is going to be getting your wife to open her eyes. She's going to be tougher to get through to then her son. Good luck and keep pushing some kid of counseling for this boy.

Answer 5

Pity doesn't help children,. and unfortunately your wife and MIL are letting pity be their guiding force in dealing with the son.
Empathy, on the other hand, goes a long way. As do boundaries and positive discipline, which it sounds like you know and try to use. However, ONE of you can't do this alone, if the other is using a different, and lesser method.
This really requires professional guidance for your wife and yourself, nd then for the three of you.
She needs to understand that her 'pity' is harming her son- creating a child who no one wants to be around does not serve the child well!
BTW, I have a nine year old and while it is a normal age to begin testing boundaries, if she did anything like what you've described I'd be embarrassed to step outside! I feel for you, really. (empathy - not pity ;-)

You can't do this alone, but kudos to you for trying for so long. What a great step-father to put up with this! Your marriage will eventually disintegrate, though, if you don't get on the same page. And your step son will end up in juvenile detention or somewhere else where his mother's pity won't be able to reach him!

Answer 6

Your wife and her mother are doing your son a huge disservice by coddling him and not holding him responsible for his behavior. No, his behavior is not typical. A 9 - year - old knows the difference between right and wrong. It sounds like your son needs consistent discipline - he needs to know what consequences to expect for misbehaving.
Your son could also benefit from some therapy. You implied that he acts out because he has no contact with his biological father. He probably feels worthless and abandoned, since his "real" father doesn't see him. Counseling may help him understand that it is not his fault his father abandoned him.
Also, be sure to give him plenty of positive reinforcement when he does behave. Spend time with him (maybe some time alone doing "guy" stuff with just you would help), and make sure he knows you love him just as much as you love the other kids. Best of luck to you all.

Answer 7

This kid needs some major disciplining, MAJOR. Reminds me of the child across the street. He is what is called a bad seed, because he gets away with everything. An example is:

My son was riding his bike to his friends house down the block and the kid across the street and another kid from the other end of the block were playing in the front yard. They stopped my son and told him they were going to ride his bike, which my son said NO to. They then proceeded to wrestle him to the ground, giving him black and blue marks on his arms and chest and then, when my son got free and got back on his bike, they started throwing rocks at him.

I went to the house and had a talk with the aunt and grandmother (didn't do much good because they barely speak any english). Then his 'father' (the kids mothers boyfriend really) came by to speak to me. He is a kind gentleman who is probably a lot like you, wants the kid to shape up but is being blocked by the mother. Apologized greatly. The next day the kid across the street had a new bike. Do you think this kid learned his lesson? He still stands outside my house trying to call my son out, even when he's not home I hear it.

I am lucky that my husband is on the same page as me when it comes to parenting. My sons father passed away a few years back, and I never let my son get spoiled because of it. There was never this 'poor Andrew, your daddy is dead' attitude, no more then needed. My son LOVES my husband to death, can't wait for his little sister to be born (who is due any day now, and anticipating John adopting him. We both discipline him, punish him, teach him right from wrong, have good times with him, do HW with him, etc etc.

What I am trying to get at is kids WANT to be disciplined, whether they know it or not, and that's why spoiled kids behave as they do. They are pushing buttons begging for someone to tell them they are wrong and to show them the right thing. You need to have a serious discussion with your wife about how to handle this boy. Obviously her approach is NOT working at all. Kids need to learn to be rewarded on the merits of their actions and behavior, not based on one tragic event in their life.

Answer 8

I think it is irresponsible of your wife to accept destructive behavior from her child. Every mother has guilt, but that doesn't mean you let your child become a delinquent. It is NOT normal behavior and if it was my child he would get a punishment like he'd never seen before.
There are children with less than him..many don't ever get a father figure like you to replace the one they lost. My parents divorced when I was 6 and I never behaved like that or acted out. Tell her to discipline her son so we can have one less criminal in the world later

Answer 9

i've got study your question two times over and am lots distressed by potential of the placement. I then study the responses available. Thumbs deeply and strongly down on "playing the race card"!!! Thumbs down on a instructor that could desire to enable your daughter to be present in the time of a convention wherein the instructor knew precisely the place the verbal substitute could be heading!!! easily the 1st element i might do is insist (wish i could desire to below-line that) that your daughter be removed from this instructor's classification--powerful at the instant!!! She does not want this and neither do you. you have basically moved right into a clean place and that i will wager your daughter has little journey in making new buddies in a non-distinctive environment--and doubtless a miles less a delightful one. i don't know what the regulations on your college district are, yet i does not hesitate to commence calling the superintendent of your college district and not take no for an answer as far as an instantaneous assembly with him/her is going. determine that this guy or woman is conscious which you're new to the district and are going to completely bypass to bat on your baby. (do not could play race card till or in case you want a legal expert to get your element for the time of!) as a results of fact the instructor in question jumped from coaching counselor and/or college psychologist you have each suitable to be present in conferences with absolutely everyone from outdoors the college. If a social worker has your daughter's terrific pastime in techniques, a generic assembly might ensue between you and him/her to work out what you think of is going on. Get shifting, mom!

Answer 10

This kid is spoilt. . .yes its sad that he doesnt have an ongoing relationship with his biological father but that does not give him an excuse to mis-behave the way he does. He behaves likes this because he knows he can get away with it . . mum or gran will always tak his side. You need to speak to your wife and tell her how your feeling, before this kid grows older. Otherwise when he is older it will be more severe, as he was never taught right from wrong when he was younger he will run riot, and prob think it is ok to break the law . . but mum and gran wont be able to save him from the real world, where right and wrong matter. It will be hard for you as she always takes his side rather than yours, but just stress to her that you are doing this for the boys benefit and not just you own! Good Luck xx