Breaking up and Child Involved...But alot more to it...Any advice?

Question

My daughter's father and I were together almost 6 years. We agreed to call it quits in Nov but continued to live together until I could get on my feet to move out. At this point, we both let all our past demons out and agreed to be honest with each other from then on about possible relationships with other people. I found out that he was talking to a girl in the next state behind my back and things just went downill from there. He ended up stealing $500 from me and talking to another girl. I forced him to move out just last week. That's not even the complicated part. I thought I would be able to move on but I was wrong. I have done nothing but cry everyday and I ache because I love him so much. We both agreed it is what we need and that we would come to a binding agreement outside court concerning our daughter. Basically, he agreed to all my terms, we just have to finalize it. The weekend before I kicked him out, I went out of town and he stayed with his bro because they work together

and he said they would be working all weekend. My father was watching my daughter. I called my daughter like 10 times and found out on Sunday he had not called her once. He also didn't work on Sunday like he said he had to. I also found out he had been out with some girl and texted and called this girl roughly 100 times. That totally infuriated me and I forced him out by putting his stuff outside. Then I texted this girl cuz she used to be my friend and was polite just asking her to call me and then I started getting harassed by his brother and sister-in-law and it got ugly fast. Well, it has only been since Sun, but it has not gotten any better. Tues he didn't call his daughter at all and when I called him he said he had been busy moving (him and his married brother got a new bigger apt) and he was going to call now that they were finished. He also admitted he had plenty of time to talk to the other girl-yet no time for his daughter. Wed he called me and asked me to take him to get

his license and I did. He asked to see his kid but she had other plans and then asked if i could have her call him. I said no cuz that's not my responsibility. He never called. I know the law states that until he hires a lawyer and establishes paternity and takes me to court for his rights, I don't have to let him see her at all. I realize that I am very angry because he seems to have time for everyone for his daughter, but I am also angry because I am still very much in love with him and can't let him go. I told him thurs night that I can't go through with the out of court agreement and that I needed time to heal because it is not fair to my daughter to see me cry all the time. He said i was being selfish and just wanted to keep her from him. I told him he is not the one who has to hear his daughter ask everyday why her father isn't home. I told him to us alone so we could have time to heal and I would contact him and he would still send child support. I know he has potential to be a

good father if i would give him the chance (it has only been one week and it is pretty hard for both of us). I realize we both cope in different ways, I cry and he leans on a friend. I know he doesn't have an intimate relationship with the other girl, but i am still jealous. He has kept true to his word and not called or texted so far at all. I just am so freakin confused. Should I suck up my pride and pain and call him and try to work something out with him seeing our daughter, or should I stick with keeping him out of the picture for a while? My daughter hasn't asked when she is going to see or talk to him, she just comments everyday on him not being there and his stuff being gone. I would love any advice anyone has on what they would do and how i can possibly get over him, or should i ask him back?

I am trying so hard to focus on my job ( I don't need any financial support from him) and my daughter and getting myself out there, but it is so freaking hard. My daughter and I are already making plans for the holidays and have scheduled a playdate. Am I being fair to her and him and myself? I don't want her to grow up and resent me for forcing him out of our lives. Her birthday is Dec 19th, and I thought that would be adequate time for me to heal and it would be a great time to tell him I'm over him and would have no problem with him being her life, so long as he is consistent. Does that sound reasonable?

Answer 1

The first thing that you need to do is to determine what went wrong in the relationship. Was it something that could have been corrected with open, honest, caring communication or was it character flaws (yours and/or his) which could not be overcome.

The next thing you should do is make two lists about your ex. The first list is all of his positive qualities whether they are superficial or very important to you. Your first list might look like this:
* He is tall
* He is funny
* He made me feel safe.
* He is a good father
* He is a good provider

Your second list is all of his negative qualities. Again, list the superficial qualities and the major character flaws. You negative list might look like this:
* He is not affectionate
* He is physically, sexually and/or emotionally abusive
* He is a liar
* He is a thief
* He is petty
* He is unfaithful

Once you have both of your lists written out, use each of the qualities, positive AND negative, in the following phrase: MY IDEAL MATE IS A MAN WHO_________. Your positive list might look like this:
MY IDEAL MATE IS A MAN WHO makes me laugh.
MY IDEAL MATE IS A MAN WHO is a good father.
MY IDEAL MATE IS A MAN WHO makes me feel safe.
MY IDEAL MATE IS A MAN WHO is very affectionate with me.
MY IDEAL MATE IS A MAN WHO is a good provider.

If those were on your positive list, you would feel great, right? The thing is, you also have to take the negative list into account. Your negative list might look like this:

MY IDEAL MATE IS A MAN WHO doesn't communicate with me.
MY IDEAL MATE IS A MAN WHO is abusive to me.
MY IDEAL MATE IS A MAN WHO makes me feel inferior.
MY IDEAL MATE IS A MAN WHO lacks affectionate with me.
MY IDEAL MATE IS A MAN WHO steals from me.

If any serious character flaws are on your negative list, is he really your ideal mate? Is he really the best partner that you can have? Do those actions really show love to you?

You might find out something that I learned with my ex. I thought that I loved her and I was crushed when things fell apart. I have come to realize that I was not in love with her, I was addicted to her and I was craving the good things that we used to have even though they were fading away.

If you are in this position, you need to realize that there is no way that your relationship could have lasted and realize that you now have the freedom to recover and "lick your wounds" and then pick yourself up and find a man who can qualify as your ideal mate.

Feel free to contact me if you would like more advice.

I wish you all the best!

Answer 2

hey see there is a saying, " the neighbours wife is more beautiful " and one more known devil is better than the unknown, see a small advice, dont take any ones advice or suggestions just do what you think is right, ya may be there would be some thing u lack that he tried for another affair, dont get angry, its all if's and but's so just think about this, you ditch this guy and go for another guy what the garantee that he wouldnt do this again, talk to ur present husband and solve issues, this point in time i think jealosy combined with insecurity is making u this vulnerable take a holiday leave every thing for some 2 days ttake some time alone, dont cry if u cry u will soothe urself, and crying is a way to relax ur self, don cry rather sit and think of all the possibality, and any day you can get another guy trust me, you can possibaly get some of the most handsome guys too, but point is u got to rebuild the whole thing which u did from past 6 yrs, try and get back the romance in ur marriage i think thats the only thing missing between u both!

Answer 3

I think you are both going through a lot of pressure right now, very emotional and not really knowing what to do.
You say you love him and he probably still has feelings for you too but is too worked up and really don't know what to do or say.

It is necessary for you now to step back and look at your self as a person, an individual with your own virtues and needs and your daughter as someone with her own needs and whom you want to take care of.

Think of what you did before you were married, and what you would do if you were a single parent, see how you can be stable and independent (emotionally) on your own. When you have done that, you will be more confident then you can approach him without the old baggages and see if you can start a new relationship with him.

I know it is easier to say it than to do it, but you must try, for yourself and for the sake of your daughter.

Answer 4

Sounds to me like you love this man. Go with your heart. You both also have to think about your daughter. If you both get along good and have a loving relationship, then you probably both just need some time apart. You will find that with time, apart, your love will grow deeper and stronger for each other.
However, if you don't get along together under the same roof, then it would probably be best to leave him out, and try to heal. Also, if your daughter wants to see him, then she should not be denied that. A child needs both parents regardless of wether you are seperated or not. I know you probably don't want her to go, because you need her there, but he may resent you for it. Personally I would give it some time, things will turn out the way they are meant to be. I wish you luck, and don't beat yourself up.

Answer 5

its obvious that this guy doesn't have it in him to be a good husband to you and a good father to your daughter...im glad you have decided to kick him out of your lives....i know you hurt because you still love him despite his being a ****....but you have to be strong and concentrate on rebuilding your life for you and your daughter....once he is out of your life, forget him...dwelling on him will only make moving on harder for you...he is not worth the tears....he betrayed your love and has hurt your daughter...if he doesn't want to call your daughter and be a part of her life, then it is his lost...be strong...find a job to support yourself...im sure your dad wont mind looking out for your girl once in a while....your daughter needs you more than ever...be a strong mom for her...it is the only way for her to have a semblance of a normal childhood...

Answer 6

I can see why he left. Hopefully your daughter doesn't turn out like you.