We've been together for 4 years, married for 3 months. Guess I knew what I was getting into. We're the best of friends, but our communication sucks when there is a problem. I usually don't discuss any issues I have with him because he gets defensive and I hate fighting. I feel like giving up sometimes. I try to talk about it with him and the next hour or day he just pretends like it never happended....never bring it up again, acts like everything is fine.
I'm losing my mind.
Please help!
2007-10-11 17:59:37 · 22 answers · asked by Krn 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
My Hubby is the same way!! I've just learned to accept the fact that whether or not the situation is his fault, his defense wall comes up and there isn't any talking to him! I normally wait until I'm not as mad therefore, we won't fight. I'll bring it up when we're having a good day and say you remember when you said this the other day? Well it really hurt my feelings. When you approach it that way instead of blaming the whole situation on him they seem to communicate a little better. Remind him that your in this for the long haul, and a marriage isn't going to survive without communication! Evaluate the situation and pin point what it is that really bothered you about the situation as a whole, and then discuss that certain issue instead of the of the whole problem. If that makes any sense! If he really wants to be with you, he'll be willing to communicate on some level. Also be aware of those "stupid and pointless" problems that aren't worth the headache. Understand that you guys are going to have fights and arguements, it's only natural. Also remember that every little thing that makes you mad, isn't worth your marriage. So just try to keep the peace by not blaming everything on him, and let him know that you understand that you have your flaws as well, and work it out as best as you can. Like I said before, a marriage will not survive without healthy communication. Let him know that you love him and you don't want to fight, you just want to talk. I hope that helped! =)
2007-10-11 20:23:18 · answer #1 · answered by Jamie 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A few books to recommend...
"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray.
"The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense"
"How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie
find them cheap on Amazon.com
Basically you have to work around those defenses and pull him out for the discussions you need.
You may have to phrase things into a 3rd person framework... "My friend has this going on... what do you think?"
I would also suggest professional counseling. Denial is not a river in Egypt.
2007-10-11 19:13:15 · answer #2 · answered by revsuzanne 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are not alone. I am in the same situation right now. It will be 4 years now since I got back together with the father of my daughter. It seems some men do not like to talk, as my man says. He is private and so he does not like sharing his feelings with people- even me. Now I hardly say anything, and our relationship is slipping away at a rapid rate. I hope you let your hubby read this. I quit- and that is hard for me to do- cause I am not a quitter. I hope you get good advice and you have better luck getting your hubby to open up.
2007-10-11 18:20:55 · answer #3 · answered by josie 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My bf is the same way, and it drves me crazy! Seeing as I'm in the same boat I don't have the greatest advice to give, but try maybe writing whatever the problem is down and giving that to him. That way you are getting everything you wanted to say, out, and maybe ask him to write you back, that way there is no fighting. See if that can get you guys started on communicating better, and I agree with counseling or a relationship workshop. Good Luck, and I hope things get better for you.
2007-10-11 19:05:38 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well it sounds like you took that "one step over the line" that alot of us take. We all want relationships with people we love, it's unfortunate that even though we love them, "we dont really like them".....that just kinda sucks!........ Here's what I'd do. Tell him "that you feel like he isnt taking you seriously and it is very concerning to you because you've invested your time and love into something that might not work at this point in time" and that "you dont neccessarily want to get a divorce but that it seems like a practical idea right at the moment"...that will make him pay a little more attention to your opinion,.........You see,.to alot of men, we think that you women kinda "overbill" certain events or problems and we dont really understand that you are half of the marriage which if course is 50% meaning that he is only 50% as well, we kinda have to have problems put to us in mathematical ways in order for us to see the seriousness of the situation. I hate to admit it but I've been married a few times and divorced of course and after being sorta single for 20 years I've had time to reflect upon why things happened the way they did or didnt. I was a typical male problem child, Yes Indeed I was and I didnt take things seriously which of course made me only 50% of the solution, the 50% that just didnt understand that my woman was important to me or to her for that matter "in my own opinion" at the time. so, let me apologize for all of us and ask for your forgiveness, please understand you married an idiot and idiots are hard to turn around. good luck to you and your marriage, do what you have to do to stay sane........sincerely "a man"
2007-10-11 18:20:19 · answer #5 · answered by theoregonartist 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
married life is different from being together for four years.
being together make you know supeficially, the appearance, the charecter to some extent, his ideas etc.
but, once you get married your focus and his focus towards you changes. i.e. the role and responsibility of life.
good, its good if your hubby doenst show any reaction the next day and wants to enjoy the day as usual.
you are a good couple.
keep the life going,
its life,
try to deviate your mood when such situation arise, put proposal before him dont ask him for answer try to ask him for suggession.
you can solve a problem in many way, try this indirect method.
WOMAN CAN DO THAT- TIME OF PROPOSAL IS VERY IMPORTANT.
2007-10-11 18:19:37 · answer #6 · answered by ya ali 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband and I had similar communication problems when we were first married. One of the best things I ever did was to write him a letter explaining how his indifferent behavior made me feel and why it made me feel that way. Sometimes verbal communication can defeat it's own purpose, especially when someone goes on the defensive. But, if you write it, sometimes, you can actually express things in a complete way(no interruptions or assumptions) that he can comprehend and work with.
My advise, whether you choose to keep talking, write, see and counselor or what,is:
What ever you say, say it kindly, think first and don't be quick to accuse. Act with LOVE!
2007-10-11 18:33:49 · answer #7 · answered by alkorhol 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Everybody hates fighting. OK, not my EX! She loved it! I swear. Anyways . . . you need to find a level where you two can talk about problems. Maybe call it a 'State of the Marriage," like the President has "State of the Union." Each person gets to talk about what is going good and bad. You need to tell him that the communication is unnacceptable, so far. Tell him you are not making personal attacks on him. You are just trying to express what you need to stay in the marriage.
2007-10-11 18:10:42 · answer #8 · answered by Chris A 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Many people just don't know how to communicate where emotions my be involved. First don't use "you" statments. use me and I statments. exsample: you don't do enought around the house, or , I know that you work hard, and so do I. but I'm feeling a little overwhemed with the housework.
the first is a demand and judgemental, the second just states the way you feel.
Remember you want to find a solution not fight, so don't start out asking for a fight.
2007-10-11 18:30:55 · answer #9 · answered by cmrwash 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Realize that men and women communicate in different ways. Don't expect him to verbalize everything as a woman would. When something bothers you, let him know; he'll hear you.
Read the writings of a communication expert who studies this male-female conversation phenomenon: Deborah Tannen.
2007-10-11 18:09:29 · answer #10 · answered by guaglione1972 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋