Husband had an affair with a manager he works with (he had moved out and was living with her). he is back now and we are supposedly making a go of it. Except it hasn't been easy, as he is angry at himself and struggles to take responsibility, and basically the upshot is we are not in a great place right now.
his work Xmas party is planned and its at an intimate party venue (there are 25 staff) partners are invited.
I expect him to take me, in fact I NEED him to want to take me. Yes I AM insecure. Everyone at his work knew about the affair and it would mean heaps to me if he took me, as they all know we are back together. There'd be a message to them if he didn't take me.
he is not sure he wants to go. I am dreading him saying he doesn't want me to go and he'd rather go on his own.
I have never met her, but I want to show his colleagues I'm OK. I can handle seeing her: i will ignore her. although it'll be tough in a small place.
any advice to get him to take me
2007-10-11 12:38:27 · 28 answers · asked by sass24 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well if he still wont admit he was in the wrong for all he did, you should get a divorce, talk to a counselor and move on the only reason he came back is because him and her had a fall out, you don't need that.
Ask him if he wants to take you to the party, if he says no then you know that he doesn't really want you, he's just waiting for that other woman to stop being mad at him.
Everyone at his job knew and none bothered to tell you, how you think its going to be to stand in front of all those people faces knowing they didn't like you enough to tell you your husband is cheating, and like you said she's going to be there, he especially doesn't want you to go because he's not over her.
And she's going to be looking at you like, I can have him back anytime, do you want to be in a place where theres going to be some much bad vibes there on Xmas day and many people might be drinking, then you will hear more of the truth.
Get over this low self esteem; you are worth having someone love you for you and not treat you badly, you deserve a man who wants a 50/50 relationship, not someone who doesn't know what he wants.
2007-10-11 12:55:27 · answer #1 · answered by kim w 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think we're both suckers for punishment, Sassy. I wish there was an easy solution to this, but I guess you'll just have to tell him that you hope he respects you enough to take you and announce to the world that you are together and making another go of it. If he doesn't decide to take you, then perhaps it's time to go with your outlook of a couple weeks ago and continue to plan your separation.
The other thing is, judging by what you wrote, he has not decided that HE is going. He has not said that he's not taking you either. Wait until he tells you what he decided. Ask him in a few days if he doesn't mention it. Buy a new dress or let him catch you in the mirror playing with your hair in different styles. If he asks what you're doing, you can say that you're trying to decide how to have your hair for the party. That'll get you your answer, anyhow.
Good luck
2007-10-11 19:05:33 · answer #2 · answered by Shannon H 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
find out if other Dependants are going there. You don't want to be the only spouse there unless there are others there but on the other hand, if others are taking their wives you should be there as well. If he had moved out when he had the affair and then moved back to be with you, he has made his choice but it may still bother him to see both of you there.
If you are having insecurities, you both need to get into counseling to get past that. As far as the party, if no other relatives are there you should stay home as well and he will either come home to you at a reasonable hour or stray again and either way you will have an answer of whether the marriage can be saved. I hope this helped you.
2007-10-11 13:01:02 · answer #3 · answered by Al B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, fact of the matter is his co-workers and their guests will be gossiping about that scandal and in turn, you guys. It's only normal. He is already embarrassed what he has done, and this will be quite awkward, especially with her present. I can understand why you want to be seen... it will validate you ( so to speak ). To some degree, you will feel as if he is not taking up for you if he does not take you with him. I can understand if he does not want to go ( small company with him in the middle of a scandal of sorts ). I can understand why you want to go; although insecure you are proud and want them to see that you have survived. You guys need to communicate. No matter what you guys decide, under no circumstance would it be acceptable for him to go alone. If your relationship is not at a good place, this situation could make or break it. Even if you get what you want, it could lead to more problems ( jealousy, feeding into your insecurities, causing those wounds from betrayal to be opened like they are fresh...the list could go on ). You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. I don't have an answer , you just need to do what will help you heal. You must examine it from many perspectives. No matter what happens from this point, you are on a journey to heal, with or without him. Good luck.
2007-10-11 12:58:56 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're better than all of this...you need to be strong, move on, and find someone who will not put you in such a difficult and stressful situation! Look at all the worry you're causing yourself, needlessly.
There are wonderful men in this world who would love to take you to a party, and who would promise to be your one and only. (If that's what you want) This one didn't do that, so don't punish yourself trying to fix something that is obviously out of whack with your idea of a good relationship.
Take care and good luck!
2007-10-11 12:57:48 · answer #5 · answered by VixenOXOX 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
both of you shouldnt go and he should try to find a new job. if theres one thing that people remember its gossip. if you went everyone would be saying things behind your back and your husband will always be known as someone who slept with his manager. Which means that he will never really gain the respect of his coworkers. Dont you guys want to put this whole thing behind you. how can you when everyday you know he has to be around her. He went to the extent of moving in with her. This is weird. He definitely needs a new job or she needs to get fired.
2007-10-11 13:02:10 · answer #6 · answered by Carrie g 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Any woman that takes a cheating man back has issues.
I can't believe he actually still works there and sees her everyday.
Tell him that you need him to take you the party so the woman he was having sex with can see you with him. Kinda like you won huh? Your insecurity is just going to get worse, not better.
2007-10-11 12:49:14 · answer #7 · answered by Simply Lovely 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
OK. Perspective means looking at the situation in a different way. Here's different. Your description of this situation reveals that you are unsure of his feelings. First, you don't know if he'll take you. Second, it is clear that you do not know his reasons for not wanting to go. OK. So, do you want to know the truth(s)? If so, sit down with him for an open conversation. First tell him WHY you want him to take you. Tell your reasons in clear, simple sentences...which means you have to think thru all the clutter in your mind and feelings ahead of talking with him about it, so that you do have clear, simple sentences to share with him.
Second, ask him WHY he doesn't want to go. Listen to each and every one of his reasons...write them down, if feelings are interfering with your ability to hear him out.
Third, ask yourself whether his reasons are more important to your relationship with him (which should have nothing to do with other people at all).
Fourth, ask him whether the reasons you offered or the reasons he offered are the most important to your relationship, as he sees it.
This may lead to an obvious answer about whether or not to go. Or, it may lead to further discussion. Take breaks, if necessary to keep the talk calm and reasonable. The more interest you actually have in his actual reasons, the more he can relax.
Remember, going to the party, being with those other people, proving something about him, about you, about the two of you as a couple is NOT as important as you seem to think right how.
That's my perspective. I hope it helps. You sound like someone who deserves to be happy and who definitely has what it takes to win him back to you.
2007-10-11 12:51:03 · answer #8 · answered by Paul B 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell him you want to go and make sure he takes you. And then go shopping buy yourself a awesome outfit and get all beautiful. And when you go to the party don't give the other woman the satisfaction of even acknowledging her. Keep your chin up and focus on your husband. Good luck with your marriage I hope it will all work out.
2007-10-11 13:24:09 · answer #9 · answered by BLONDIE 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am not sure meeting this woman would be healthy, but I am also not sure your husband continueing to work with her is healthy either. Are you going to couseling? If not you should definitely consider doing so. If your man is using his guilt as a crutch to bring you down, is he worth it? Ultimately, when someone cheats there are issues that lead to the infedelity. Have these been addressed? Seek outside help, whether it be professional or someone you both trust. This is not the best place to help you through this.
"The E'Ville Librarian"
2007-10-11 12:44:27 · answer #10 · answered by adiaphorus 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋