Women only: Do you feel that whoever asked for the date should pay also?

Question

I asked a question about who should pay for the first date and many indicated that whoever suggests/asks for a date should pay. Do you feel that way about anybody who suggests doing anything (including girlfriends asking to go clubbin', eating, shopping, movies) or is this exclusive to men in a dating situation? And why?

Also, does this mean if the person likes to spend time to get to know you but doesn't have money, he needs to wait until he has enough to sponsor your company? So, basically your time costs money? And do you feel that it's OK for him to equally expect payment in other forms, since his time and money are valuable to him also?

Please break it down to me, as I have no understanding of the logic behind this argument.

Nobody has still explained to me WHY??? What's the difference between going out to dinner with a guy and your girlfriend? And is it OK for him to expect payment in other forms since his time and money is as valuable to him also.

Bijou: So in a dating situation, do you meet as equals for mutual exploration, or do you meet as unequals with having the advantage of a vagina? Please explain it to me further because answers indicated there is a vaginal advantage in a "dating" situation, which is fine, but then you will have to agree that women and men should not be treated equally and if possessing a vagina entitles us to "rights," the possessing a "penis" should entitle them to certain "rights" also. As you can tell, I'm pretty hot right now lol

Answer 1

The difference between a first date and going out with a friend is that with a girlfriend, the relationship is already an established one and nobody is attempting to take it to "another level". It's just two friends out to dinner, enjoying each other's company.

With a date, it's a little different. If you like the whole "whoever initiates pays" idea, then the initiator is essentially paying the other person for their time. Or, perhaps a better way to put it is that he/she is paying for the other person's consideration.

Also, try to think of it this way...I invite you to a picnic. When you arrive, I have only food enough for one person. You are bewildered because why would I expect YOU to bring your own food when I am the one who invited you? That would be ludicrous. With a first date, it's the same principle, though clearly almost everyone now carries money around constantly. If a person invites you somewhere, they are responsible for providing the "entertainment" or "acitivity"...and in the case of going out to dinner that entertainment or activity is (besides each other's company) the food.

Once the initial date is done and the two have formed an idea of whether they want to start seeing each other more, then they can start splitting the bill.

Does she owe him some form of "payment" for the initial date? No, I don't think so...her "payment" is her willingness to consider him as a potential romantic partner. It's almost like an application processing fee when you're applying to school.

What if he doesn't have money but still wants to get to know her? Then I would suggest he be up-front about it. Example: "Hey, I'd really like to get to know you, but I'm under a lot of financial strain right now. Could we go to dinner, dutch? Or somewhere inexpensive? My financial situation will not always be this way but I don't want to put off learning more about you until then". Once again, once they're past the initial date then they would have started splitting anyway, so it's really not so bad.


Granted, keep in mind that even though I understand the logic behind the "whoever initiates pays" doesn't mean I agree with it. In some ways it's a little cruel. I'd prefer us to always split the bill, or alternate (he pays one day, I pay another). Nonetheless, even if I'm not a huge fan of the initiator paying, it's better than the man paying EVERYTIME.

Answer 2

I'm not a man, but I'm going to put this out there, the person who asked should have to pay. That way the man isn't always paying, and neither is the woman. Their equal. And, yeah, a woman could offer once in a while if it's the guy who always asks, but if he says "No, it's fine I'll get it." Or something, just accept it as a favor! Never expect it, though.

Answer 3

Yes, I think it's common courtesy for the one who asks for the date to pay for the date, esp. in two situations: the intitial first dates, and in later dates if someone is having financial difficulties. It's reasonable to assume that discussing financial status would be very awkward during the first couple of dates. If you are the asker and you just assume that the person you ask can afford to date you, you might be mistaken, and be putting that person in a delicate and embarrassing position. If that person can't afford it, they probably aren't going to want to come right out and tell you that when they hardly know you! However, if the interest is there to keep dating after that, it should get easier to discuss such matters, and once both people are aware of the other's situation, an arrangement can be worked out that is satisfactory to both (such as splitting the bill, or taking turns paying, etc. if this is feasible.)

EDIT: And yes, my friends and I often take turns footing the bill for a night out if one of us can't afford to go, the rest of us cover her share...it's really no big deal. We all do this for each other because we enjoy each other's company. We all know each other well enough to understand each one's financial situations, and so with that understanding we work things out so that no one has to ever be left out due to a lack of money on occasion.

Answer 4

I do agree that who ever asks should pay and if the guy doesn't have any money then he should suggest cheap dates and if the girl is interest she won't care. You can go to a park, go for a walk, go to the zoo or a museum.... Those kinds of things don't usually cost much money. Or make dinner instead of buying dinner. My husband did all of those things and I wasn't interested in money, I was interested in him and I enjoyed everyone of our dates.

Answer 5

I consider a date to suit the sole purpose of romantic exploration. I don't ask my girlfriends out on a 'date', I ask them to go our for a 'girl's night out'. That's the difference dear. Even on GNO, we take turns buying rounds, but its never mandatory. We have one friend who is so broke she can't even PAY attention. We've all been there and would never expect her to pick up the next round, nor do we hold a grudge about it. I would imagine its the same for guys.


Edit: Well, for me I always went to the table as equals, wouldn't have it any other way. I know a hilarious girl who calls her vagine a 'coochie credit card', and comes to the table in that mindset. If you arrive at the table to find yourself sitting across from a guy who thinks buying your dinner is a way into your panties, then you did not both come to the table equally. So, there is no real way to ensure both parties are saddling up with the best of intentions. Once intent is revealed, you can then bail, or if you're horny and need to knock the dust off your cooch then go for it. I'm okay with playing by the rules (mostly) as long as those rules are on the table (like how my hubby and i spend our money, i don't ask him, he doesn't ask me, we don't biotch about the other's spending, as long as we both know what's in the bank its fair game). Hope this makes some kind of sense...lol!

P.S. I still don't get the intent when I'm at a club WITH hubby and some dude offers to buy US a drink! Happens often, but we don't go home with him! We're just a lot of fun, and people gravitate towards that. Non sequitor, but we also get lots of drinks from bartenders. I once got a NOTE from a bartender that said: "You seem like a LOT of fun. Glad to see you're having a good time! Can I send a drink your way, my compliments?" To which I wrote back, "Thanks! Sure, as long as you send a shot of Petron for everyone at our table. A VIP pass would be awesome!" We wound up IN the VIP room with a BOTTLE of Petron. Don't know how he worked that as I've never tended bar, but I was the hero of the evening! Point is, I have a GOOD time wherever I go and am usually the life of the party ;p

I have no idea where I was going with this, but there it is, I don't feel like deleting. I'm out there, I know!

Answer 6

Yes, if I asked a guy out, I would pay for the date. If he asks me out, he pays. However, I prefer my first date with a guy to be something like lunch where we can go dutch and pay for ourselves. That way, I don’t feel obligated for anything.

Going out with my girlfriends (or guy friends, for that matter) is different though, because you aren’t not going out with them for a “romantic exploration”, as one poster put it above.

After a guy’s taken me on a few dates where he pays, I’ll offer to make him dinner at my place so he’s not footing the bill all the time.

Answer 7

A man without money is an ape... he shouldnt be allowed to date, much less procreate. if he can barely support himself, how is he going to support a family?

It is ok, however, for men to be loaded and not pay on dates... because some women take advantage and they are just in the singles' scene for a free meal... Unless you know one hundred percent she is not a golddigger, you dont pay more than $20 on the first two - three dates or so.

Answer 8

There is a difference between a guy your dating, and all your friends. If I ask a guy out, I pay. If he asks me out, I'd expect for him to pay (and they typically do, even if you offer to split the bill).

If I'm going out with a guy friend who I have no intention of having a romantic relationship with, we split the bill. If I arrange for my friends to meet me at the bar, we each pay our own way. Unless one of us is feeling particularly generous.

Answer 9

Dating is when a man is interested in a woman and puts himself on the line by taking a chance to date her.

Women can ask a man out but when she pay's it shows that he thinks of her as a buddy - chum - one of the dudes. It's actually ripping the man off when she manipulates him onto a date that he doesn't strive for. The book, "He's not that into you" clearly let's us know that some men just are not ready for romantic relationships. We know he's ready when he puts the effort like asking his interest out (taking a chance) and pursuing his interest. Sometimes women can ask him out and he thinks she looks nice (georgious) but he may not be ready for romance. When a woman asks him out she's taking away the "interest level."

So, if the dude's intention is just "Buddy" then by going "Dutch" is an appropriate way to let the woman know that it's in the moment and temporary.

Answer 10

Only for their own share of the meal and entertainment. I'm not buying someone else's dinner or ticket, and I'm not going to allow the same to be done for me, either.