Wife wants space. How should I change my gameplan?

Question

Note: I am very interested in hearing from people who have given someone 'space' and saved the relationship. We are currently seperated.

My wife says that getting back together is not out of the question but she needs time and space right now. I usually call her and text her everyday and tell her how much I love her and how much I want the marriage to work. This always seems to exasperate and annoy her.

Also, she plays online games and talks to other men. Sometimes I call and ask a million questions about that. Still, we are physcially separated. Can someone tell my why "giving her space" (i.e. NO CONTACT) would be a good thing here? In my mind, it just increases the void between us.

We have been married 7+ years and have two kids (3 and 7).

Answer 1

Given my partner space has been successful when we specified the purpose and the terms in which we are "seperated". For example, her purpose for wanting space may be to work on being more emotionally independant and becoming a stronger mate and the terms are that you two do not engage in not toy with the idea of becoming intimate or beginning a relationship with another partner. Thats just an example. I believe the it worked when you communicate the details so you two are both on the same page. That way when you reunite you can better evaluate if you've achieved your goal/ purpose or not and if not what are the other alternatives.

Answer 2

1st I would like to say you sound like a nice guy. I am going to give you a little in site. Giving someone space means leave them alone, ( no emails, phone calls, no contact.) Your wife has you wrapped around her finger. There is no fear of you going any where buddy. So in her mind she is free to play around and you will be waiting at the door holding her coat & purse. She needs "fear of Loss"

Hate to say it but, time for you to put a holt on any contact. With in 5-7 days she will call as she is going to wonder why you have stoped running after her. Do not take the first or second call. Let her worry. Don't be mean but be aloof. Go away with the boys do something to keep busy. Until you stop being a door mat she will continue to string you along. Some woman like men who are hard to get.

Good Luck and I hope all works out for you.

Answer 3

Your relationship is in a precarious situation, because it can degenerate into a relationship of codependency.

That often results in one party letting their guard down (you)... and then getting really hurt.

you need to stop being so emotionally needy/clingy upon her. That is wussy. women don't ever like wussy in men.

If you seem to look to her to satisfy your entire existence... there is a real problem. Remember, you had a life before you met her, and so did she -- and neither one of you should be expected to forfeit all of those interests for the sake of the other. Marriage is a compromise.

Also recognize -- No partner can satisfy the other's every need. If you think she does it all for you; you are still in the infatuation phase of your marriage -- and haven't yet arrived at the disillusionment phase.

Get some male friends. Hang out with them. Have her start wondering where you've been all this time. She will then value your company more the next time she sees you.

Then after hanging out with the bros... watching the football game, chuggin down beers, playing poker, shooting pool and getting rowdy -- you come back home late at night, crawl into bed, and you nail her. you don't need to text her "I love yous" all throughout the day. To hell with that. Just come home and nail her. That's all she needs.

You are now in touch with your inner man. It was always there, just screaming to get out. And you have now found it.

Answer 4

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so they say. Your wife has become spoiled and feels like she could never lose you. She now takes you for granted. You may very well lose her, but trying to hold on will not help. It might even push her away more. The cold hard truth is that she is too immature to appreciate your dedication to her. There is nothing you can do to grow her up, so to speak. That's something she has to do on her own. You are stuck in a pretty crappy situation. My advice is to let her go and learn to focus on other things. You don't have to date anyone else, but you should learn to live your life in a manner that does not revolve around her. Don't be always there for her. Don't come to her rescue if she asks. Like someone else above said, you need to play hard to get. Bring yourself to the point where you can be completely happy without her. Maybe she will come back, and maybe she won't. Nothing you can do to change it. But you do need to be at a point where you can accept the strong possibility that it may be over. Practice showing yourself the respect you deserve. If you cannot do it, she won't either.

Answer 5

My sister is going through this right now. She left her husband after 14 yrs. of marriage. She needed space and he wouldn't give it to her. Space means that she wants to see what life is like without you. I don't know what you or she did to make things the way they are. But the fact of the matter is that it is what it is. You need to leave her alone and give her what she is asking for. If it's meant to be, she will come back. If not, then you just need to accept it and move on. My bro-n-law ended up in jail because he wouldn't respect boundaries. Your wife is a grown woman...give her what she is asking for. She's probably irritated by your calls because you weren't calling her like that while you were together. Don't do it now!

Answer 6

One thing comes to mind and sorry that it's so simple:

If you love something set it free
If it comes back to you, it is yours
If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with

Losing a spouse especially when there are children involved, is one of the hardest things to do. If she really wants space, you need to give it to her but it doesn't hurt to tell her that you love her and only because you love her, you will respect her wishes. Make sure she understands that you're there for her if she needs you. Of course, you can't promise how long you'll be there because you deserve a life too. But for now and until you tell her differently, it's ok to let her know you're waiting.

Good luck!

Answer 7

Are you in any way a control freak?...that could be bothersome.

Or it sounds like she maybe did not date a lot before she married you and now she maybe wants to do that?

If she wants space and you intrude on that, then it will just push her farther away. In general, people often want what they think they can't have. So back off a little, give her some trust if you can and see if she comes back. Sometimes the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence...she just wants to find out whether it is or not (it looks that way)...

Answer 8

If I were you, I'd walk away right now because she is already interested in someone else, AND actively pursuing that relationship. For sure, without a doubt from what you described.

So what can you do? This is obviously something she wants, and if you try to interfere it's going to make her angry and push you away further.

My suggestion is that you just move on with your life, date other women, and forget about trying to get back with her at all.

Later on, after her new relationship doesn't work out, she may come back to you. Do you really want to be "second choice" in that case? If so, fine, get back with her then.

I'd say to move on with your life now though, and find someone who DOES want to be with you -- and DON'T GET MARRIED AGAIN until you're about 45 years old. Really it's just stupid to get married before that. Oh, and don't get anyone pregnant either, while you're at it.

Answer 9

It is not a good thing. This does not look good for your marriage. At least she is being honest.
I would stop calling her and texting her every day, try not being available all the time and she might fidn that more appealing. Decide on 2-3 days a week to call and then don't call or text her, and more importantly don't answer her call or texts.

Answer 10

Wow. I really need more info before I can make a heart-felt suggestion. How long have you been married? Do you have children?

Things got rough for us before my husband deployed to Iraq. We decided to 'start over' and starting dating all over again. Even though we never lived separately, he would 'pick me up' for a date, and we pretended we weren't married at all. It took about a month but we both remembered all the reasons why we fell in love in the first place. Perhaps you can suggest something similar to her and then take your time!