I need marriage advice. Only serious people please?

Question

Ok.
We have been married 3 years and have a 2 1/2 year old.
Kinda hard to go do stuff that's fun like dating and hobbies.
Anyway, not a problem for my husband. He always finds a way to have fun. He has a lot of friends and goes to watch football at a bar all day on sundays. He'll go camping and out with his friends.
I don't do that much. I don't really have many friends. I'm more of a homebody. That's my choice.
HOWEVER, I may want to go out about once every 6 months. like last night I went out for my sister's bday. My husband gave me a curfew and we got into a big fight over it. He didn't even want me to go. ANd, this morning he didn't even ask how it went. HE totally ignored me. So, I said aren't you gonna ask if I had fun? he said no. I said you don't care. He said no.
SO, my question is why is he such a jerk about it? Shouldn't he want me to have fun and enjoy myself since I never do. I mean I ask if his team won, and who was there and I listen to everything he has to say.

Why doesn't he care?

Answer 1

He doesn't care because he is a selfish pig....He wants to do what he wants to do...but doesn't want to give you the freedom to have an occasional night out...Its called a DOUBLE STANDARD!

Answer 2

Once every 6 months isn't that often! You should get out a lot more than that -- just for the sake of sanity!

Sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband. Tell him you want to talk with him, but make sure it's a good time. Ask him what it is that bothered him so much when you went out for your sister's birthday. Ask him what you just posted here. "I very rarely go out, so I don't understand why you got so upset this time."

He has no business giving you a curfew. You are a grown woman, and you have a mind of your own. It sounds to me like he's very controlling. Is this the reason you never go out? Because he doesn't let you?

Where did you go for her birthday? If it was a bar or a club, or a party, maybe he was worried someone would hit on you? Men are jealous a lot of the time, but won't admit it. They hate admitting they have faults.

So ask him exactly what it was that upset him. Tell him he should be able to trust you, so you don't understand his reaction. Ask him what the two of you can work out next time so he doesn't get upset. And make sure it's fair. Listen intently to what he has to say, and no matter how much you want to, don't interrupt. When he's done, comment on what he's said in the most positive and agreeable way you can.

Then voice your piece. Be sure to remind him how you are always supportive of his outings and hobbies, and that you need the same support and respect from him.

Answer 3

This is probably a case of the two of you fighting over separate issues; you can't resolve a fight if you've fighting about different things.

You may see it as an issue of occassional free time for you and a lack of caring on his side.
He may see it as increased workload for him and decreased loyalty from you (I'm just guessing, you'll have to actually ask him to find out what he's thinking).

So you need to make sure you're both on the same page and arguing about the same issue. Sit your husband down and tell him that you need to discuss the household as a team. Let him know that you deeply respect and appreciate how hard he works to provide an income for the family (this is often a major issue for guys, and it's always good to start out a difficult conversation with an emphasis on the positive), and that you enjoy fulfilling the "homemaker" job for the family. Then tell him that for both of you to do your "jobs" well and to stay well-rounded people, you need to have satisfying lives outside the family. This allows both of you to be a full, complete, healthy member of the family.

Then get down to specifics. Tell him that you feel you could be a better homemaker if you had some personal (just as he is a better employee for having personal time spent not working). Tell him that you want one morning a week to yourself for purely personal things (a hot bath, a pedicure, a yoga class, whatever); one evening a week to spend with friends; and several trips or late nights each year (for parties, events with your side of the family, etc). He will need to provide childcare and necessary housework for those times (cooking dinner, washing the dishes, etc). These aren't "favors" he is granting you, and there shouldn't be any more limitations placed on your activities than there are on his.

Tell him you know this is a big change and may take some getting used to, but you really feel it will be benficial to the entire family. Ask him if he has any similar suggestions or proposals, and listen carefully to his requests.

Answer 4

First of all, I think he is very insecure and also has gotten used to the fact that you don't go out and he doesn't have anything to worry about since you are always home with the child. Now that you've finally gone out he's pissed because he's not used to you doing these things. He doesn't want to hear how much fun you had because he doesn't want to hear anything that doesn't involve him. He would feel like-"wow she can have fun without me!"
I suggest you really have a talk about this with him wether he wants to hear it or not. If he refuses to listen, write him an email at work or a letter. Its not fair that he can do what he wants all day on sundays, but you can't even enjoy your sister's birthday without feeling guilty or sad about it. Just tell him you love him and that you want to have fun every couple months with the family or something. Tell him that you will spend the rest of your life with him and that going out 2 or 3 times a year won't take anything away from what you guys have.
Also make sure you talk about it because you need to show him that his actions are not ok. It could get worse if you don't end it now. Oh and to help with next time when you decide to go out, give him a call or two just to make him feel secure about the whole thing. Just try to be really nice and sensitive to his feeling when you decide to leave for a night out. He's just not used to it. I hope i helped. Goodluck.

Answer 5

Hello, I am sorry that you and your Husband are not communicating very well. I would have to say that for some reason he is unhappy. I cannot tell you why but he has to be unhappy about something. He may feel threatened by you leaving because he is scared of losing you, he may feel you are better than him and will find someone on your level. Guys really do think a lot more about this than most women give them credit for. Or it could be he didn't like someone that was going to be there, without knowing what the fight was about kind of hard to guess. I would listen very closely to what he says when your fighting about things, just listen, something will come out, or just sit down and ask him to talk to you about it, but with his No, No answers does not sound like he is going to open up right away, I would just be patient I am sure he will let you know

Answer 6

he is just a big azz jerk! some guys are just that way, only care about his on fun and enjoyment. And be tick off if their spouse/companion have more fun than him. If he can spend all day Sunday at a sport bar watching football, then go camping. There is no reason he should given you a curfew when you're out with your sister on her birthday. I have an issue with him on that, while he is out enjoying watching football and over night camping without a curfew. Nah, I disagree with him on that and his childish behavior. This is nothing more than selfish behavior from him. Unless he come out of his mouth with something else. Just have a talk with him and ask him to explain his behavior to you. And ask him why he feel that you have to have a curfew and he doesn't? If he act like he don't want to talk about, it clearly that he is one side person. When it come to having fun.

Answer 7

Keep the word "jerk" out of it, first of all. That will only fan the flames. Understanding what is going on and why is the key here. Your goal and focus should be on working this out.

You may want lovingly, in a non-blaming, non-finger-pointing way, communicate why exactly it is ok for him to go out, but not for you.

But more importantly than trying to even things out, is this subject about the both of you going out to have fun.

Unfortunately, either you or both of you have made your child more important than your marriage. Whether an infant or toddler, or teenager, absolutely no child is more important than a spouse or marraige.

It is highly possible, that your spouse has felt that he is at the bottom of the importance list with you, and is fearful of losing what little he has left of you.

Whatever it takes, find a babysitter, hire a nanny, whatever, and the both of you date each other again. Do fun activities that you both enjoy. Right now, it's more a matter of your husband showing signs of being in a very deep, dark cave. These signs are usually because one has been deeply hurt by the other for some reason. Find out what you have done and make it right. Win him and his attention back. That is your priority, not your child.

We are speaking from experience. Make at LEAST one night per week, date night for just the both of you. Re-ignite the love the both of you shared before the child. That will be the best thing for your child; to see that mommy and daddy are "one", not separate people, leading separate lives.

Answer 8

He is trying to make you feel bad. Maybe because he is afraid that you do what he does while he is away? Hmmm. Your husband will probably act like that for a while but I suggest you telling him to get over it and try to go out more often. Its not right that he goes out often and you are stuck with a child. If he doesn't ask how your day went, try not to get upset about it. The fact that you act like you don't care will get to him more than you asking if he actually cares. Get it? I agree with whoever said don't play into his game. He is trying to make you feel guilty so you won't go anywhere. Talk to him about how you feel and inform him that he can give your child a curfew when he/she gets older but you are an adult and should be treated as such.

Answer 9

Oops, he is selfish and controlling. Yes, he is a jerk. But you love him and married tot him. You need a solution. You can not change anybody, but you can change youself. I am like you- I like being home cleaning, cooking etc.,( But my hubby is very happy if I go out & have fun with my friends and encourage me to learn new things) My advise to you, Get out of the home... do yoga, join a club, make more friends... respect yourself. Life is too short. If he fights with you do not fight back. That is not a productive way to solve this kind of situation. Do more and more fun things while maintaining being a good wife and mother. Men are from different planet, sometimes, they fear and do not think deep. Try to talk to him about your differences and understand each other. If he acts mean to you and not let you go anywhere, tell him "someday you will stay on your boat alone, I survived without you before i met you and I will survive if I live without you.'

Answer 10

To me (I'm a guy) it sounds like he has some selfish issues going on....(obviously)

You need to set him down and point out that he goes out (or does things) with his friends and you don't give him a curfew, and I'm guessing you ask how it went. It also sounds like there is some trust issues going on as well, setting a curfew and so on. As long as he TRUSTS you, (drinking, with your sister ect) there should be no curfew, just the reasonable assumption that you will be home! Period!
He really needs to know how you feel about this situation, and that its not right, and he needs to be more supportive, considering you don't do it very often anyways.

Hope everything works out, I have done the samething he did, so I could imagine.

Answer 11

okay well you've created a certain dynamic in your relationship which has made him feel safe, secure because of your predictability and the desire to stay at home.
he doesn't have to worry about you or other guys hitting on you...i mean what more could he ask for? he gets to go out and have fun and not be given the third degree, all the while he knows his wife is safe at home.
i've been through this before.
what you're doing is not wrong, but its messing up the equilibrium/ dynamic of the relationship. he just has to get used to it. when somebody does something out of the norm in a relationship even if its not bad, it can disrupt it...
you really need to get out more often, even if you don't really want to. so you'll promote healthy interaction and a specific type of balance in your marriage.

just to add a little... i like the first girls answer... get a babysitter and go out with him at the very least.

bottom line, create an active life for yourself and DON'T let his insecurities control you...thats a terrible, miserable place to be