My Wife has a male "best friend" she met at work years ago and last year I started getting jealous and suspicious of their relationship. Our relationship was going through some hard times, I was working too hard and was depressed about an illness I found out I had and then, once I started having these feelings of jealousy I started to distance myself from her instead of talking to her like I should of.
Well my suspicions did end up being correct, my wife had a relationship with this "best friend". It was an on and off thing for about 5 months and was not an intentional affair. She would meet him and cry about how bad her relationship at home was and they ended up kissing. They both said they regretted it after it happened, but then it happened multiple times in that 5 month period. I started to spy on her email and found out that they chatted and emailed back and forth a lot, I don't know if they even believed they were having an affair, but it was painfully obvious too me.
She finally confessed it to me back in May, I think she wanted to tell me and couldn't, but I also told her I found the emails and she had no choice but to tell me.
We had some pretty big blowouts, but have agreed to work on our marriage. The biggest thing that bothers me is that she wants to stay friends with this guy. I asked her, and she agreed not too see him or talk to him for a while. But every now and then she has these breakdowns that she doesn't get to talk to her friend, it always ends in tears and I give a small concession and let her email him at work for professional reasons only, then I say it's Ok to ask how he is, but nothing too detailed. I am feeling like a doormat. I want her to realize that having this guy still around is like leaving the knife still in my chest, but she says she doesn't have any other friends and she feels so lonely with out him around.
She says she loves me more than anything and it's not a competition between us, but I am afraid to ask "him or me" because I shouldn't have to give her an ultimatum and she is not a child and should be able to make her own decisions
.
I know the affair was a stupid mistake and I believe she regrets it, but am I wrong to think she should let this guy go forever? Should I be stronger and let them rebuild their trust with me? We have three small children and I don't want to give up what we have, but at the same time I need to do something to stop feeling the way I do right now.
2007-10-11 05:10:20 · 47 answers · asked by qwerty0987623 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Not in a million years would I put up with such foolishness.
For starters, I would have ended the relationship the day I found out about the cheating - Statistically, most cheaters are habitual or will become habitual.
Secondly, even if by some miracle I overlooked an unfaithful discretion, there is no way I would tolerate her hanging around the very same person.
*She is still* emotionally attached to this person and that is why she does not want to let go, that is a fact you need to come to terms with.
Grow a spine and take a stand.
2007-10-11 05:50:09 · answer #1 · answered by Infernal Disaster 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You sound like you are a very nice guy in real life.
But nice guys finish last.
Women definitely need boundaries. And as the man of the house -- you are not wrong to firmly assert them. Maybe this is what your wife is actually looking for...
An example: My buddy once hired a Japanese tutor, because he wanted to learn a new language. She happened to be female and really hot. After the first meeting, his wife told him that he couldn't see her anymore. There was no relationship, no kissing, no affair...nothing. But she simply thought it was too tempting for him and squashed it instantly. End of story.
You can be like this too. In fact, if anyone had a right to be like this, it is you -- because she cheated on you with this guy.
For the record, cheating is ofte a symptom of someone's needs not being met at home. The affair is thus not the real problem...just a symptom of a larger problem which still hasn't been addressed at home.
It's hard to know what that problem is. But I recommend marriage counseling for both of you. I feel a professional could really help you guys out tremendously before the situation gets worse.
Don't ever be afraid to ask for help. You've put a lot of time and energy into this -- you really owe it to yourself to make it work.
2007-10-11 05:41:39 · answer #2 · answered by LuckyLavs 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Kind Sir,
You have every right to feel the way that you do. The marriage vows that we take tells us to forsake all others and that goes for your wifes friend.
She is letting you know what means the most to her. It is up to you if you are going to stay in a relationship that your wife does not seem to want to nurture. She's telling you one thing, but her actions are to me, speaking louder that the lies of love. If she loved you she would cut this guy off with any thought and mean it. Some people like to play games, which is really unfortunate.
How do you really feel? Are you going to continue to be disrespected or be the man God made you to be. To be in a relationship as serious as marriage people should take it serious. I am really sadden for you that your wife is not honoring what you are telling her. She should protect you and your feelings by being obedient to the Word of God and because she loves you back. Maybe you need to tactfully remind her of the family pyramid.
God, then you (as the husband) and head of household then her. She must follow the laws of the land. I will never tell a person to leave. I pray that it can work out. Try counseling. The only way that God tells us that we can leave lawfully is if one spouse commits adultery. If she kissed him, what else has he talked her out of? Pray and ask God for guidance. I will pray for you as well. Hang in there, Sir. But Mr. you signed up for a marriage and in it you should not be mistreated. That is called mental and emotional abuse. Think about this long and hard. May God be with you.
2007-10-11 05:32:05 · answer #3 · answered by Monica 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really understand your feelings right now .... to tell you the truth i would have done the same thing that you have done ... but then again i wouldnt have let them see eachother again ... has this happened before? If it has then Definatly not ! You are her childrens FATHER that means more to her than a friend ! atleast it should ... Hello??? You have the right to say to her that she should not go back out with this guy ... work or friendly related ... Its your DUTY to make sure that she is staying faithful and honest to you and the same for her ... She was obviously not doing her job at staying faithful to you and i think that she should have realized before her and this "guy" were even about to kiss ... that it was wrong ON SO MANY DIFFERENT LEVELS ... if the "guy" just wanted to be friends he would not have let it get that far... im not saying that she is an angel ... but even if she didnt want to kiss him or flirt with him ... blah blah .. then she wouldnt have ... she wouldnt have done something that she "regreted" Yes i know that you dont want to lose your family ... but what you need to understand is that your FAMILY.... is SOOOO much more important that a "Friend" and she needs to realize that too.... and even though that "guy" may be her only friend .... there are MANY other people out there that can be her friend ... I think that you have the RESPONCIBILITY to get her back on her feet and dump that so-called "friend"
2007-10-11 05:22:26 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The big question is, do you trust your wife?? If you do and she promised you that she won't ever have a sexual relationship with her "best friend" again, then trust her. You have to start trusting her again sooner or later. If you don't or can't then your marriage is over. You need to go out on the ledge and take a leap of faith.
The worse that can happen is that she breaks your trust, have an affair and your marriage is over. It's over and done with. You know. It's better then the daily torture you'll put yourself through with the mistrust over the years. Your insecurities and jealousies will eventually drive her away.
You have kids. Focus on them. Focus on being the best dad you can and love them and give them lots of affections. Your wife will see what a great dad you are, how selfless you can be and give her some more attention and affections. Good luck.
2007-10-11 05:20:21 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Not many affairs are "intentional", but it isnt like it just happened one time, it was going on for at least 5 months.
If it was me, I wouldnt let her see the guy. And I dont think that is too much to ask; clearly she needs to make some other friends. Is it really fair of her to ask you to have a constant reminder of her infidelity around?
I think you should try seeing a counsellor. If she wont accompany go on your own. I think you may be able to rebuild your marriage with some professional help, but if you cant then at least you will still have some support if you do split up.
I think you need to do this for your children. On some level, they know mom and dad arent happy and that will affect them.
Best of luck.
2007-10-11 05:19:02 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
u need to explain exactly how shes making u feel dont leave things out or hold it back i could understand if she never cheated n u were saying u didnt want them talking but what she did was wrong and now she shouldnt be making u feel so uncomfortable i kno she probably thinks u r the one being unfair but she really isnt being fair to u out of respect she should end things with him u should be more important she can get some girl friends and make u feel more comfortable u may just need to try more to do the things she needs and wants to keep her more satisfied and also if it was one kiss ok mistake but to even put herself in the position for it to happen again thats wrong im not married but me and my boyfriend have a very strong relationship and theres a guy friend of mine that makes him uncomfortable and nothing ever happened between us but the rule is i can hang out with him when my boyfriend is there so he doesnt have to wonder what might be going on but in ur case i dont think this guy needs to be part of either of ur lives and if she has any respect for u she will understand and agree u really just need to be straight and fully honest with her asap sorry to write u a book but i hope i helped a little
2007-10-11 05:22:08 · answer #7 · answered by jas 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has to go. The biggest problem with affairs is that it invites another "person" to be part of a relationship where one party believes there are only two.
It is not fair for your wife to ask you to put up with him being there at all. It should be made very clear to her that even the "idea" of him makes you feel bad let alone knowing that she still has contact with him. It has to stop and you have to tell her it has to stop.
She will decide for herself what is more important without an ultimatum.
Bottom line is she should be fighting for the marriage if that's what's important to her and not for the right to speak to someone that she committed adultery with. Her priorities are askew if she continues to ask for you to accept this and honestly, there wouldn't be much of a marriage for you to salvage in that case.
Hope everything works out for the best for you.
2007-10-11 05:17:46 · answer #8 · answered by Martin R 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are a family. Which means you, your wife and your kids NO ONE ELSE.
I m amazed that you or she would even consider having anything to do with him. You need him OUT of your life.
STOP BEING A DOORMAT. Take it from a woman, there is nothing that will make her lose respect for you quicker than you acting like a doormat.
Stand up for what is important to you. Tell her the situation is unacceptable and has to stop.
She needs to fill the void with something positive that includes you and the kids.
I certainly hope things turn out OK for you. Be Strong, Be Firm and Be Positive!!!
2007-10-11 05:21:54 · answer #9 · answered by ? 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sorry, she gives up the right to have ANY male friends from now on. She obviously can't handle it.
She needs counseling to figure out why she needs him in her life, you need it too.
DO give her an ultimatum. If she doesn't respect you, she needs to move on without you. What is a relationship without respect anyway?
Stop giving in to her. If she needs friends, tell her to join a book club or something. There's even the mommy & me classes where she can meet other moms. She can find FEMALE friends plenty of ways.
Seriously, put your foot down already or end it because they've already crossed the line OVER and OVER again. What makes you think they can stop? THEY WON'T
2007-10-11 05:16:03 · answer #10 · answered by Roland'sMommy 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋