Im married but questioning it...?

Question

I got married when i was 18. Before i got married, this man treated me if i were a princess, but when we got married things changed for the worse. For the first year of my marriage he phsyically abused me. He would restrain me and leave marks on my arms from restraining me too hard. He would put his hand around my neck leaving marks. He would spit in my face, and even has thrown me to ground.
He does not do the physical abuse anymore but will still call me the C word a b*tch retarded and stupid whenever we get into arguements.
Well I have this guy friend at work that i have talked to about all this and he has been there for me when i needed someone to listen. The other day we admitted to one another we like each other.
I feel so wrong for saying that I liked him because I do love my husband and I know he has tried so hard to change but the truth is that the abuse has made me lose a lot of my affection towards him. What to do? HELP Please!

LIke i said my husband has changed his ways and does not physically abuse me anymore.

Answer 1

everything i want to say has already been said. get out and hook up with your friend.

Answer 2

Of course you don't have any affection towards your husband! He pushed you away, just like an abused dog, you can hit a dog only but so much before he turns on you and attacks you! I'm trying to put myself in your shoes here, you said that he has changed and not being abusive to you anymore, but the question is "for how long?" I understand you want to make it work, but I'm going to be truthful with you, a person that is abusive like that won't just stop and change out of the blue, it really is a sickness, and he needs professional help, otherwise it will be only a matter of time before he becomes abusive again. If you don't have any children yet, please don't have any children with him! If you don't want a divorce right now, you should really consider separation, and tell him that in the mean time if he wants you back and wants to be a family, he needs to seek help! Until then if he doesn't seek any help and you see no efforts from him wanting to get help for himself you need to file for divorce, and think of your own safety! Don't you have any self worth to yourself? You should know yourself that you are not deserving any abuse from anyone whatsoever! Lots of luck to you! I wish you the best and hope everything turns out right for you! : )

Answer 3

Just because he doesn't hit you anymore doesn't mean that he isn't abusing you. Mental and Emotional abuse is much WORSE than physical abuse.

I can relate to your story. I got married when I was 19 (the first time) and he was a real something. He hit me, called me names - even abandonded me in the middle of nowhere, 1300 miles from my home.

I left him when I was 21. It was the best thing I ever did. I found someone else soon after he left, and got remarried.

I have to thank my ex-husband for being such a bad man. If he wasn't such a bad man to me, I wouldn't know what a good man was like.

For your own sake, leave him. I know it sucks hearing it, I know the thought hurts (trust me I know) but it really is for the best.

Only you can make this decision, no matter what anyone else tells you. Choose wisely - but if you need some help, watch the movie "Diary of a Man Black Woman" its good for this kind of stuff.

Good Luck ♥

Answer 4

I agree that professional help with your husband is a necessary first step.

And you really do need to be careful about the helpful, understanding, listening, supportive work friends out there. It took me a long time to realize that men are f*cking WILY when it comes to that sort of thing, and more than likely your friend was just waiting for his chance from the get go. If you leave your husband, don't think of it as leaving for this guy, because the chances of it being long-term (i.e. worth ending a marriage over) are probably slim.

I say go to counseling with your husband, give it a year, make necessary space from the work friend if you want to give counseling even a REMOTE chance of helping.

P.S. (and I don't care about thumbs down. I've had a lot of experience and am married and know about ups and downs.) Let me say that you absolutely deserve respect, and perhaps counseling will help your husband understand his own issues and why he needs to demean you to feel good about himself. If you love him and don't want to be divorced, it is worth a try at least, a last effort at least.

This is what I think the rule is always, no matter what the status of your relationship, when it comes to outside friends of the opposite gender (or same gender if one is gay): All you have to do to know if it is inappropriate, and perhaps to figure out how you really feel about your husband, is to imagine the tables were turned and really ask yourself how you would feel about it. What if your husband has a female friend at work to whom he tells every negative thing about you? She listens and is understanding and one day, they tell each other they like each other. If this thought doesn't phase you at all, maybe all love is lost between you and your husband and you might as well throw in the towel. But if the thought makes you feel sick to your stomach and breaks your heart (and it probably does), then you need to rethink your friendship with the man from work. Is he really a friend? Is he helping your marriage?

Answer 5

You know what. I have a friend the experience much of what you are talking about. She finally called me one day and apparently he had beat her bad, there was blood everywhere, he put her stuff in the toilet and then peed on it. He tried to stop her from screaming by covering her mouth and face with a pillow damn near killing her. I can not believe women put up with this kind of abuse. She FINALLY after protection and coaching from me left him (they have a small child and I was NOT about to let this continue). She is like a sister to me. Women DO NOT DESERVE TO BE HIT, NAME CALLED, OR ANY OTHER FORM OF ABUSE! LEAVE HIM! IT IS NOT WORTH IT! Do you have kids? If you do, i hope and pray you are smart enough to get the hell out of that situation. I can not believe you could love someone who treats you this way. it's very sad.

Answer 6

Women should never tolerate the abuse you've described. If a complete stranger did any of those things to you at random while you walked the street, you'd call the cops. Suddenly because he is your husband you allow the abuse.

Dump him and find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

Answer 7

Ummm. anyone sounds better then the dude you married. I would have stabbed his *** a long time ago. You must love him. I would leave if I was you but ultimately you have to live with the results of your decision. So sit down and really think about it. I wish you luck and hope you can be strong. You deserve better and no one deserves to be treated like that.

Answer 8

first of all if your husband abused you and you did nothing about it then what makes you think he isnt capable of doing it again, and worse next time. that is scarey! if you really love him you should have gotten him help or left him them for the sake of your self and life.

you need to figure out how you feel about your husband, you married young when you werent really grown up. u can still love him but not be in love with him. dont cheat on him thou, divorce him if you want tobe with someone else

Answer 9

First of all, pull yourself out of that emotional rut with the guy at work. You are setting yourself up for trouble. You just needed a shoulder to cry on and someone to talk to and if you are not careful, this might end up where you don't want it to go. So pull away from him.

You cannot fix a relationship outside, you have to do it within. So maybe both of you (your husband and yourself) should get some counselling. Find someone (professionally) who can help you to work out the issues.

Answer 10

Honey Pie, Life is TOO short to be wasting on that so called hubby of yours. You can still love him & not be IN LOVE with him. Move on... find happiness with your new friend or whoever. I'd rather be alone then with someone like your husband. Hopefully he can change, but it sounds like you are ready for the next chapter in your life. You can always try to remain friends with him... but Move On!!

Answer 11

Maybe you like the guy friend because your boyfriend isn't giving you what you need. I think if you really love your husband then he really needs professional help. But why is he hurting you? Would you really want to spend the rest of your life with this guy? If no, then i think its the end.