feeling so lost...what do I do..marriage or divorce?

Question

I have been married 8 years with 3 kids (7,4,2) and have been a stay at home mom for most of it.. I have worked on and off when we were in desperate need of money. My husband had severe drug problems and a gambling addiction. With that said, we have gone thru counseling and he is even in methadone treatment for the drug problem. He has never been violent with me beyond yelling. He can't seem to keep a job, and was recently fired for stealing $5000, he claims he didn't do it and no charges have been filed, but he is now on the "lamb." Arriving at home to only shower and change clothes. I have no money and even no vehicle I am soo lost on what to do.. any advice on how to move on with my life. I love him so much I want to work on it, but at the same time I feel he is a lost cause. Disappearing for days at a time is not only hurting me but my girls are in tune with whats going on and cry themselves to sleep everynight. What do you think?

Answer 1

First thing, take care of those kids, when they see mommy hurt, they also hurt.
Get a grip and take care of your children.
Email me on how to keep a daily diary of everything he's doing please.????

I hate to keep repeating it for other readers who have already taken this advise and say it worked. You may need it if divorce is inevitable.

Do you have a friend that can babysit (with the kids out of the house) and another one to that you to the courthouse to ask for free legal service and immediate support?
you might want to wait till he gets another job, so take that time and start preparing, the judge will not take lightly to his drug additions and abuse.

Oh, you go to Family Court, look it up on the Internet, make some calls if you have to.

But try as hard as you can to provide your children with as much stability as possible. I went through pretty much the same thing and I had to hold in my tears after the kids were asleep. They were 1 & 3 when it started, they now both have college educations, children of their own and well off financialy

Good luck to you, you need to do something soon in order to at least feed your children ~ Show them tons of love, they need mommy too ~

Answer 2

I hate to say this but he is too far down and I really don't think he will change. He has put you and you kids through a lot. He has major problems and you are the one who is suffering and seems like he doesn't care. I really think you should let him go and take care of you are your kids. He is really hurting you. I would go and find resources to help you and your kids. There are so many out there. I know that for a fact. I really would be very careful because he may but you right in the middle of his lies and you will end up losing a lot more than you think. I know men like him. I was married to a rotten man and he caused so much damage to me especially financially. Him disappearing is a really bad sign with drugs or even sleeping with other women. Don't kid yourself. I woked so hard on BOTH my marriages but they both were not dojng their part to save our marriage. That tell me something right there. If you are the only one trying to save your marriage and he isn't then I hate to break this to you but your marriage is over. I know all this way too well I'm afraid.

I wish you the best and I will encourage you to pray to Jesus about it. I know he will lead you where is good for you and your kids. I am very sorry your going though all this hurt and same goes with your kids.

Answer 3

you have to tell him that you have to get a divorce so that you qualify for some type of aid, and then do that. go to Social Services and ask for help. You have to realize that you are in love with the best part of the man and that part is dying or dead. You have to explain to the girls that he has a problem with "medicine" and that is why he is not there.If no charges have been filed and yet he is gone days at a time, he is possibly living with another woman or possibly hanging around a drug house somewhere, perhaps even selling drugs to support his habit, You have to realize, in a worst case scenario, that someone dangerous is looking for him and he shouldn't be coming home because that exposes the children and you as well to danger.
tell him that you need the divorce, that he can't keep coming back like that because it upsets the girls, and perhaps even check with the police to make sure that it isn't them looking for him. Once you file for divorce, if he still insists on coming and going as he likes, get a restraining order to keep him away. You deserve to have someone there who will be there for you and the girls and who love you as much as you love the peerson your husband used to be. Good Luck to you.

Answer 4

YOu need to think about your children. You are showing them how relationships work, and, how a woman is supposed to be treated in a relationship. Aside from the obvious fact that this is a recipe for these girls to be looking for love from men in a few years, you have to think how much you are willing to go through. You don't deserve this, and, your daughters definitely don't. You sound like you already know the answer. You need to protect your little ones. They are dependant on you and you alone. Drug dealers and abusers are scary people. Meth heads are violent and can turn on a dime. Even if this is not HIS drug, if any of his "drug-friends" think that he may have some you and your children are in danger. Please read "codependant no more".

I was in a situation (not this bad), but, my childrens father was not a good influence (drinking, coming home all hours of the night, sneaking out window). Once he moved out, I was very sad, but, our children started being able to sleep. OUr kids started being kids again. And, they had a mom that could take time to read to them at night, and, color with them. I will love him forever, and, I pray for miracles, but, until he is healthy, he simply can not endanger you and your children.

Answer 5

really hei is a lost case
For your sake and the children you must leave him.But,first you must pick yoursef up.Find a new place to move on. find properly school for the kids, Get a job.Do the best to have a nice and cosy home for you and the kids. Do not allow him to interfer,even ask the authorities for help if necessary.
Be happy. He is a loser and wants to take you along.Do not be fool.
If you have parents or relatives,ask them for help.

Answer 6

I'm sorry for your pain. I don't like to tell anyone to leave their spouse until. That is a decison we must all make for ourselves. However, I have to agree with some of the other people, you need to leave. This is a very sad story and it makes me a little weepy. Go away. Anything is better than that. It doesn't look like he's going to change. Make it happen.

Answer 7

I am a HUGE proponent of families staying together, but in your case, unless your hubby gets some serious counseling, you need to move on, since his involvement in your life is likely more of a detriment to your kids than a divorce.

Answer 8

You think of your children and yourself, right now. He is responsible for his actions, now and in the past. Can you get financial assistance from the state or county until you get back on your feet? I know you love this man, but he does not love himself as he has done everything in his power to self-destruct and hurts anyone who cares for him. I feel you should distance yourself from him for awhile until he figures out what is really important to him in life. He is not a good role model for the children at this point.

Hug your children close, kiss them often and assure them of how much you love them. Let them know that daddy is sick right now but you will still be here to take care of them until daddy gets better. And here is a hug for you; you certainly need one.

Answer 9

well if your husband is willing to work on it that is one thing, but listen to me my Mom was married to a drug addict for many years ( my dad) and she tried but it was not worth it..being married to a drug addict is too difficult, work on getting out, move in with family or friends..do your best to get your life together and find a good man.

Answer 10

It takes two people to make a marriage work and obviously he's not working on it. This is your life. Accept it for what it is or change it, because he obviously isn't changing.