Should I stay or should I go?

Question

I have been with my boyfriend for four years. Two out of those years he paid for everything while the other two my mom paid for everything. So i guess it is fair? On the other hand he thinks he put more work into it because he put his money in it, while I did not. I could not because when we met I was in school and have been for the past four years. Now he is not working and planning on going to school this fall, for two years, and then for three more. He is asking me to pay for everything including his part during the first two years, while he pays for his school credit card and child support. The thing is I am going to be a graduating senior and just starting my career, I do not know how I will be able to support him and me? I had my own goals too, saving for a house and helping my family in the Ukraine.

He tells me if I choose not to support him then he will break up with me because I did not support him in his dream, that we are a team. I do not know what to do, I just do not think it is fair for a twenty two year just out of school to be supporting a twenty nine year old man.

I have to make a decision. Please help, any advice helps.

Thanks,
Allison

sorry I forgot to mention when I said he paid for everything i meant the basics, I paid for my school and supplies and my lunches and breakfasts everyday.

Answer 1

When you are in a partnership its always 50/50.. I worked hard as a single parent when I was with a guy and most of our 4 years I paid for everything, even for his kids when they came to stay with us every few weeks.
In return I got nothing back.

I think if he was supporting you for 2 years, its only fair that you support him. One day when he is done studying and becomes a "professional" he might give you everything you ever wanted or needed.

Altho, love should never be about "what you give, or what they give".

Good Luck

Answer 2

I think your last sentence says it all. Why should you have to support him?? He is 29 years old and just now going to school full time. He needs to do it like any other person his age and continue to work while taking as full of a course load as he can handle. I worked while I went to college, even though my husband (who is 5 years older than me) was just starting his career. There was no way he could support the two of us without me working.
Also, no where in your question did you mention that you loved him. Do you love him? That is really what matters. It sounds like the money issue is bigger than the love issue. Leave him if that is the case. Money problems never go away. After the 2 years he wants you to support him, it will just be something else.

Answer 3

You should not, will not, do what you think is unfair. It is traditional for the man to support the wife and children, but evidently you are not the wife. You feel obligations to your family in the Ukraine as well, and feel the need of saving for a house.

Here you are feeling that you have little to share and it will not be enough to go around. Now where would you be without him? Would you have less expenses? Can you make a budget that has priorities for current expenses, and over above that you will send one third to Ukraine, one third into savings and one third for your loved ones college expenses? Can he work part time, get fellowships or grants? It just may be necessary to continue with college loans, and you may have loans that are coming due. It seems to me that the money your Mom provided was her gift, not yours and that you owe him something for him putting you through school, or helping your Mom put you through school. I would just make the best budget I could and offer him what you can. You may not make enough to hold onto him and in the end, only you can decide if he means enough for you to help put him through school. What does this relationship mean to you? Do you expect him to support you after he finishes school? Will he make a lot more money? You can only give away money you make that is over and above expenses.

Answer 4

So basically he is basing the relationship on what he has done for you financially. In any relationship you do things for someone because you want to, not to get brownie points, or to have something in the, look-what-I've-done-for-you-bank. He's doing a really good thing going back to school and taking care of the bills he's already responsible for(credit card and child support).
However, if you really want to stay in this relationship, then you both have to compromise; meaning he needs to be realistic about what you can handle while he is in school and not just expect for you to pay because he did and your job search should be detailed, organized and thorough so you can get the best possible salary. You might also want to consider couples counseling. Lastly if you want this to work and so does he find a way to make it work or let it go.

Answer 5

A strong relationship should not be based on who did what for who and for how long...

If your relationship is serious and you see a future with this man then you do what you have to do as it comes. I am not the kind of person that thinks of it as my money and his money, before i married my husband even though we had separate accounts at the time what was mine was his and what was his was mine.

On the other hand if this is going to be a problem neither of you will ever be happy, i can't tell you to stay or go because i don't know how your relationship is. You have to make the decision based on the fact that you are happy to support him knowing he would do the same for you. He should not make you choose and if he can break up with you just like that maybe he is not the right man for you, decide what is best for you...

Answer 6

Since you don't have a job yet how can you budget and commit?

Tell him to write down all of his bills, you write down all of your bills and once you get a job you can both sit down and see if it can be done once you know how much money you will be making.

PLEASE don't forget about deductions from your pay, Insurance? Taxes, I'm not sure what they call your deductions in the UK, but you won't bring home exactly what is considered gross. Amount before any deductions.

I think this is only fair. I don't think it's fair for him to give you an ultimatum at this point or anytime over this issue.

Tell him if he wants to break it off, don't make excuses, break it off, but you are willing to work with him as soon as all his bills are laid on the table (and how do you know you aren't getting into a real financial mess?) and you figure out if you can afford to make that commitment, plain and simple.

He sounds controlling. ??

Good luck to you and don't commit to something you don't know if you can even delivery ok?

Answer 7

So, out of the 4 years, he only paid for 2 of them. And your mom paid for the other 2 years. I'd say that's even there. And he is nitpicking, if he's criticizing you for any of that time period. So, why is he not working now until he becomes a student then, to raise as much as he can? And he's got a credit card and child support to worry about? He's not being very logical about his finances as this would only raise his credit card debt in the long run. Like duh? And then he wants you to pay all expenses for the first 2 years? Well, what's he going to come up with the next 3 years then? I don't get the plan here! Why would you have to worry about saving for a house, then, if you two are a so-called team? I'd scrap the house plans until he can contribute too. You're going to reach your limit supporting him for 2 years. But he's not giving you any answers for the next 3 years. So then what? Is he sure his debt will clear in those first 2 years? And the child support would have to be ongoing, would it not? So I'd say, you're going to have to support him still partially, those next 3 years. You two need to sit down and figure out your logistics in more detail.

All I can say is, you have to listen to the feelings in your heart too. How in love are you really? Do you feel total commitment from him otherwise? Is he not divorced yet? You two should be married in a situation like this. Your roots with each other should be solid to be going into such a deeply sacrificing situation that concerns both of you. I would do it, only if I had no doubts about his love for me. If you're guessing in any way about your compatibility, he's asking a lot of you. I still don't get where he's getting the first 2 years as being your responsibility, when there'll still be 3 more years where he'll be compromised. He needs you to devote 5 full years as far as I can see. Unless he's able to work and go to school at the same time. I wouldn't go into such a long term thing without solid foundation that you're a couple for good! What would happen if you became pregnant? This is tough! For you to compromise your family in Ukraine while supporting him, you'd better be sure, that you and he are solid like gold! Like I say, you should have no questions about his devotion to you or yours to him. If your head is still turning or likewise for him regarding others, I'd wish him luck with his future, but you can't bank on a maybe! You're only 22 and unless you're really really sure about this guy, and he's not wanting to marry you and make everything legit, what's to be gained when all's said and done? It would be awful to have him say goodbye then, after he's got what he needs! I don't know, it sounds unbalanced to me. And you don't really sound like you're both deeply in love. You two sound more like good friends who like each other a lot. But if it isn't deep, abiding love by now, it never will be! You'll have to figure that one out! Good luck!

Answer 8

don't support him, not only because you need your own money for your own goals but because when he gets out of college he may well start making a lot of money, change his lifestyle, and come to believe that you do not fit in that world. There is a very high divorce rate in some fields of study when one of the couple goes to college and the other supports him. I suspect that if you start to support him, he will expect you to drop out of school so that he can finish if there is not enough money for you both.
Just tell him that you can't do that - you can tell him that you are paying your mother back for the two years she supported you - and if he separates from you because of that, he is more interested in your money than in you.

Answer 9

I agree that you did not pay for two of the four years and that you should pay back your mother, not him. Then you will be equal. But I think that you should just pool your money and then half each. If he's paying for uni and previous child support then obviously he's not going to be able to support anything else. It sounds like he will be paying for his uni and child support and you will be paying the bills. What else do you want? Him to pay them too? That's what a job is for, to pay the bills. Then when he's finished uni and reached his 'dream' you will both have lots of money.

Answer 10

I'd wait for a wedding ring before getting into financial support issues, if I were you.

Why not suggest the two of you each save up half of all the education costs up front, then he can start school 'prepaid', and you won't have interest payments. It'll take him some time to bank all that cash, and you'll get to see if he wants it badly enough.