help me fix my poem?

Question

I’ve been this way as long as I can remember
Scared, confused, and lost forever
Drowning in the many tears I cried
I want to fall asleep, and never wake up…
I want to die

The many times I tried to tell you
You never, ever listened, mom
For those words that I let escape my mouth
Were shoved right down my throat
As if they did not matter…

And Dad, I feel so far from you now
For you have them, my siblings…
As far as me, I doubt you care
The only time I exist, is when I screw things up
You love them more then me, Dad…it’s not fair

I’ve been this way as long as I can remember
Scared, confused, and lost forever
Drowning in the many tears I cried
I want to fall asleep, and never wake up…
I want to die

Everything that hurts me the most mom…
You say it’s just an excuse
Go ahead and ground me mom
I’ve tried to tell you how I feel
It’s too late to talk anyway…

You may have never hit me Dad
You never left a mark…
But you hurt me more than ever
Cuts, scrapes, and bruises heal,
But emotional scars are forever

I’m gone now, gone forever
And I hope you’re happy
That’s all I ever wanted was to please you
The ground is my home now, a dark cold wonderland…
I am Dead

Answer 1

I started working through your lines, but decided to take another tact. I want to say that though it's a sad story you tell--it is more of a story or a rant than a poem.

You have a line that you may want to consider building around that is very poetic. I'm going to do a minor tweak to the phrasing.

This ground: my home, a dark cold wonderland.

I think if you start from the idea of a wonderland (which makes me think of Alice in Wonderland). If you build on the idea that the images of how things should be are distorted--that could be a really good poem.

There's a lot of telling going on here. You need to think about the images and emotions you want to portray. Fixing the format is easy, the trick is starting from a good place. Take the scene you're talking about and think of how to recast it as a dark cold wonderland.

That would be my main advice. I'm not trying to be harsh at all--just take the next step--and your poem will get better.

Answer 2

Shedded?

Answer 3

"Drowning in the many tears I cried"

say: Drowning in the flood of tears I shedded

Answer 4

the truth takes few words

Answer 5

seems ok the way it is.
dd