If you forgive, can you forget?

Question

It's been more than 6 months since I found out my marriage was not all I thought it was. We are trying to "work" things out. Is there a point when you don't think about what happened? I'm not obsessed, but, it's a rare day I don't think about it and that's only when he is not around.

What I meant by, "not what I thought it was", is simple. He cheated, long term and he said he loved her. Forgiveness doesn't remove the real insecurities those kinds of earth shaking lies cause.

Answer 1

6 months is too short a time for you to not be thinking of it almost every day. Even when you try not to, an image will pop in your head, or 'that little voice' in your head will start talking or you'll hear a song, see a movie or something that will remind you. This is the hardest and most difficult time of it all. You have forgiven, but everywhere you turn you are reminded of it all and it is completely normal. If only people knew how utterly devistating and pain-consuming it all is; they would think twice about cheating on their spouse.

I know, it seems as if they got all the fun of it all by being dishonest and you are left with all the pain and suffering for being a loyal, faithful person. And it is not fair nor is it by any mens justifiable. Having said all of that, you can't change the past - even though both of you would probably wish to do so if you could.

Yes, there is a point when it doesn't consume you; when you suddenly realize that you are actually happy and smiling and look forward to each day again. Some people it will take only a year or so, while others take longer to heal as much.

Seeing him makes it come back, I know. I would find myself crying while kissing him or holding him and he'd ask why - well, because I felt vulnerable; that he would do it again and I was slowly opening up my heart to him again and was so fearful it would be broken once more. I was afraid to feel, afraid to love and so sick of the pain and hurt. But he was there, holding me, reassuring me, showing me that I could believe in him again and now, after over a year, it is becoming a vague memory. The trust has slowly come back and with it, much more appreciation; especially on his part, for our marriage. We never, ever take each other for granted.

You will make it. Listen to your own heart, not what others tell you that you should do or feel. This is between you and your husband and if you both can start again, you can make it and be extremely happy again. It is a choice only you can make. I know the hurt and what you are feeling and, yes, he did treat your marriage as if it was disposable but bet he has found out that you are indespensable and he is lucky to have a wife such as you. Best of luck to you - time will heal. Oh yes, you will never, ever forget, but nor will he, though he would love to.

Answer 2

I can't imagine that you will ever forget that. Forgiveness will probably have to be redone on a daily basis until it becomes habit. Remember the times when you were little and you had to go get a shot...it hurt and you never forget....pain like the kind that a betrayal of love can bring can only change how you look at him. Over time you will re-establish your relationship with him if you want to however, it will never be the same. It may make you stronger or more like brother and sister. I do know that people who have been married for 50+ years have had to have gone through a lot of things. When I see couples like this walking hand in hand together, I sometimes wonder what struggles they have endured together....and I love the way that they look at each other...If you want this in your life, you will have to except that you are with a human being, people have huge faults, we were made this way...hopefully he loves you so much that he will never want to hurt you this way again. I wish this for you. If the pain is crippling then try therapy for yourself, just for you...if the counselor thinks he should be involved and you agree then bring him in. If you can't get past this over time...then leave.

Answer 3

I can't imagine being able to forget something that hurt me. That's the only way we learn really...touch the fire and it burns! I think it's wise of you to forgive, but wise of you not to forget. I know when I was cheated on I forgave that person, just because I couldn't walk around with that much hate in my heart. It's essential and it takes time, but I will NEVER forget what that person did to me.

What is all this nonsense that without forgetting you never forgive? That's just not true. I can FORGIVE that a person cheated on me, but why should I forget that the person abused my trust? That's just foolish! You don't have to rehash that fact that you've been hurt, but you don't just ignore that fact! Personally, I don't feel that a relationship can be repaired once a person has violated that trust, which is why I'm out of that relationship. However, I forgive him for what he did, and in fact, I thank him for doing what he did for me! Did it hurt me? yes. But I also learned to tell the difference between a liar, which is what he is, and someone who will be faithful to me. Does this mean I don't forgive him because he is a liar? No. He is what he is, and we didn't work out. But if I had forgotten that a man like him exists, I might have fallen for someone who could b.s. me again, and I could have potentially been hurt again. So what sense does that make. Learn from experience the first time. Otherwise, you're just a fool.

Thankfully, I'm in a different relationship now for that last 4 years. I never doubt that he loves me, or rhink he would cheat on me. This sounds gullible to some, but I KNOW it will never happen. I have found my true love...

Answer 4

Truth is when you forgive and don't forget,your really not forgiving. Whatever happened between you two might be to much to over come.The fact your even asking yourself this question is showing your not going to forget.Whichever one of you have hurt each other,and neither one of you can let it go,then it might be best to let "it"go.Marriage is sacred and we try to hold on to it,but the fact is once there was a tarnish in what we believed was so perfect,the fact we believed it was so perfect is torn and shattered. To get it back would be to rewind time and you cannot. You can go for counseling and work things out,but at some point no matter what,it comes back out.You can't bury it,unless you both are truely commited to forget it and work it out. To sit there and look at each other and say,you and him are willing to actually forget it and never go back to it and still smile at each other sincerely at the end of the day,if you can do that,then go for it.But if you lay in bed next to each other both facing the other way,and have no urge to actually even see each others faces before going to sleep,your both scarred. We find it so hard to forget now a days,because we know that once something has been done,chances are it can be done again. We feel so decieved and what's scary is,it's by someone we love and would never want to believe they can look us in the eye and decieve us. The fact is we are all human.We never dream the one we feel closest to can reach into their pockets and hand us deceit. We are in denial.When these things happen and marriage is involved it's really going to be hard. Going to bed apart might do you both some good for now. Take some time apart from each other. This is time to let both of you think.Time together might be bad right now.Take time to distance each other for a while. Kinda live as if you were dating.Work things out from a distance. Now,at the end of another six months if neither one of you can forget then your not going to forgive. Now,if you both see each other moving over the moutain you both have in front of you then your both starting to forget,which means in time you can forgive. But forgiving and forgetting takes time. Take that time apart and work things out from a distance. If through all this distance you cannot work things out and there is no forgetting then there can be no forgiving. The truth lies in distance. If you both are more together when your apart,then perhaps there is another chance,if you both feel you are able to move on then let it go,for you,for him and anyone else involved. Sometimes holding on to memories is only holding on to pain.

Answer 5

I believe that forgiveness helps us let go of some of the bad feelings and lets us move on, although I do not think you completely forget ever.

I do think that you can over come anything if both parties are willing to work at a single goal.

Answer 6

Forgiveness is first a mental decision, and you have to pray for the offender, and every time it comes up, remind yourself you have forgiven and pray some more. Keep doing this and the forgiveness will eventually reach your heart. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to be any ones doormat.

We forgive more for ourselves then for the offender. God says we are forgiven as we forgive. If we don't forgive, we develop a resentment and resentments just make us miserable, doesn't really hurt the offender. They live in our heads rent free until we forgive.

God gives only one reason for divorce and that is adultery. If you can't get over the fact that he committed adultery you have the right to divorce him.

He has defiled your marriage bed, he has broken the trust and your heart. You are grieving for the man you thought your husband was and the way your life once was, but now you know he is not that man and that your life will never be the same again. It will take a long time to accept that you were wrong about him and for your heart to heal from this great injury you have suffered.

Answer 7

Hi, you are just human ,,, its hard when things happen,,, that it so bad ,,,to let it go,,,NO you are not obsessed ,,, you need to really think about what your going to do,,, yes you can forgive ,,, NO you will never forget ,,,,no matter what ,,, that will always run in your mind ,,,,it will happen when your alone,,,
you got hurt and you are still hurting and its not a easy thing to deal with,,,
its easy for anyone to say get over it ,,, when it didn't happen to them,,, just try to deal with it the best that you can ,,
I hope that everything works out well for you ,,
Good Luck
Leena

Answer 8

NO, you will never forget. You can forgive and move on, but certain insecurities will always be there. And you shouldn't forget. That can be life shattering! It is great that can forgive and move on. As the years go by you will think about it less,but it will never be fully gone.

Answer 9

i do unlike having problems with folk, yet not anybody will alllow you to be friendly, so I commonly forgive very almost something except it is a few thing extremely extremely terrible-commonly i'm going to even forgive that earlier it is over. i've got faith like via not forgiving i'm hurting myself extra suitable than anybody else -because of the fact maximum human beings do not care besides and that they are fortunately residing their existence once you're mad-so I determine i'm able to easily pass away them on my own and not pass around them if i'm unable to get alongside with them.I commonly do not enable too many stuff difficulty me that long- i'm alot like a toddler- i'm going to get Mad for a quick time and then i'm going to turn around and that i'm waiting to Hug and pass returned to taking part in returned. i think of being Mad is a Waste of worthwhile existence, and time.

Answer 10

Yes, eventually. It takes time - it took me about 8 years to get to where I could think about it without it hurting. But now it's at the point where it doesn't hurt... at least not anymore than the first high school crush who broke your heart hurts, if you know what I mean. It's in the past, and the only power it has in the present is that power which I give to it.