The Penny rain pounded on the meatal roof
like comforting raps on the door of hopless oppertunity
The fire wood warmed the damp moldy
banket wraped around my heart.
spiders slowly built steel traps
for flys.
Soft wisps of air carrying strong words gave
me streangth for time law.
The moons watchfull eye kept me cautious
the Suns wawm glow
lulles me to sleep.
2007-10-10 12:34:09 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
srry i meant "times law"
2007-10-10 12:40:16 · update #1
It has beautiful imagery, but I suggest adding in emotions. Also in some of the spots, you're telling us what's happening, not showing us.
Its' really really good beyond that, keep writing!
2007-10-10 13:00:20 · answer #1 · answered by Crappy Haircut Girl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You could pick any one of the images in this poem and develop it into something interesting, but as it is I think it's too jumbled and fragmentary to make sense. It's quite poetic in places.
Some aspects of it make me genuinely curious; for example, the sense of time is very strange and interesting. The rain, the moon, and the sun can't all be there at the same time, can they? Why do you sleep when the sun is out ("warm glow lulls me to sleep")? These questions need a fuller development, I think, for the poem to really come together.
2007-10-10 19:56:50 · answer #2 · answered by Drew 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Didn't understand what "time law" meant, but, otherwise, very good. You seem to have a talent.
2007-10-10 19:37:50 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow thats really good ^_^
2007-10-10 20:34:22 · answer #4 · answered by ஐKatஐ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you wrote that?
if you did
THATS GREAT!
2007-10-10 19:37:11 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋