Is it OK for my husband to ask me to help him financially?

Question

We have 3 children, 2 of which were his from a previous marriage that I adopted. I have had them since they were 4 & 6 and have never heard hide nor hair from their birth mother. MY girls are 12 & 10 now and then we added our son 2 1/2. Our son is disabled and has ALOT of doctor appointments and also therapy. My oldest is in braces and has constant orthodontist appointments and our middle daughter has tutoring and chorus 2 X per week. ALSO I take his mother to dialysis 3 X per week. Nobody is going to give me a job. I sell insurance and bring in around 12,000.00 per year just working in my spare time but this isn't enough. It's not that it bothers me that he asks for help but he demands it and degrades me constantly as if I'm a liability. He says that it's his responsibility to provide for his children but not a grown woman who is his wife - she should be helping out too. By the way - I am up and gone EVERY morning TCB! Is he wrong 2 B so selfish or am I blind 2 his request?

Answer 1

Oh gee, your husband wants you to contribute money to help out YOUR CHILDREN.

And your question is....????????

Suck it up and pony up the cash.

Answer 2

You shouldn't even have to ask if you should help him out.If you are thinking about it then obviously it bothers you to work more than you are use to.If he is being disrespectful to you then maybe it is because he has asked you before and you haven't helped him.He is probably stressed out from having to ask you and top that off with the financial situation that the family is going through.You should be more sympathetic towards the needs of your family because after all he is not asking you to work for his pleasure.It is for the family.I don't think that leaving him would solve this because in the end you will still have to find a full time job.A single mother has to work extra hard with home and work.Have patience as all couples go through a hard time every now and then.It will be very rewarding to know you got through this working together.

Answer 3

Money (or not enough) is very stressful on couples and ends up being the root in most divorces. Yes, I think you owe it to the family to help in any way that you can financially because you are not just someone on the outside looking in, this is your life! You want the best for your family and I think everyone who is able to work should be until it is feasible for one to stay home.

Sounds like there is alot going on with doctor appointments, but it doesn't have to be all on one person, call in other familial resources. Don't accept that you are the only one who can do it because if something happened to you where you couldn't (God forbid), they would find a way.

Good luck to you and your family. Don't stress the small stuff.

Answer 4

If he wants your help in getting a job, work it out to where he does more of the errands needed like taking the kids to doctors appointments. There is always some way to compromise so that it makes everyone happy. You don't have much time, he wants you to get a job and help.

Also, if he says you need to take care of yourself, shouldn't that be in the $12,000.00 a year? I mean its not like you're doing nothing! He has to provide a place for his kids and such, and the extra that you bring in helps too. So, the way I see it, you make about $1,000.00 a month, more than enough to cover things like rent, utilities used, food, clothing, etc...

Answer 5

You are a team and you both shoudl contribute what you can, but that doesn't mean leave you broke when your doing everything for the kids and his mother too. I suggest you speak with him about the way he asks for it. tell him to talk to you not at you, big difference! Let him know that you only bring in so much and he knows that but you can't expect him to pay everything. Do you have a joint account or sepearate accounts? If it's joint and he puts in more then you, then he is financially helping you but at the same time you are helping him with his daughters, but keep in mind you chose this so you can't throw this in his face that was a choice to adopt them and raise them as your own children (not saying u do). but just incase. But I don't feel helping one another should be a problem as long as he asks in the right way and maybe you need to express this to him and not us...but it's not wrong to ask for help from your partner! I do it all the time and we're not married.

Answer 6

Man is to be forearm of the family but in this day and age it takes two!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But since he wants to degrade you about it! Nothing personal to his kids that you adopted! Be strictly about your kids and do everything for yours, because being your husband he should never degrade you about being so lacky in not being able to work furthermore nip taking his mother to dialysis and set up some kind of ride for her through transportation! Budget your time and get a real job and do what you need to do! Make all the appointments around your schedule and shift some of the responsibility on him! Heck keep in mind he was the one with all the complaints! Do what you can do!!!!!!!!!!!!! Otherwise don't let him stress you about it! Because the husband is to be the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church!!!!!!!! Now I just recently got married and that's what the priest told both my husband and I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So use your own judgement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good Luck! Oh one other thing blame that woman "Lib", you know "Woman's Liberation" she should've fought for herself and not everyone else!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL! Somebody need to kick her A##!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 7

Your husband shouldn't HAVE to ask you for financial help. Your question is ridiculous. Are you married or not!?

Every couple that has separate financial accounts and lives is naturally headed down a road of separation and divorce. While there are always exceptions to the rule, it is an extremely unhealthy habit and shows that there are some severe trust issues within the relationship.

I highly recommend you see a marrital counselor together, not for the financial issue, but the real issues. The money issue is only a result of deep unresolved issues. Please deal with those and get a closeness in your relationship.

Answer 8

The answer to your question, is "a little of both...."

Too bad you have so many children.... at $250,000 each to age 20, you guys will be going broke raising them, as you are finding out. And when you have extended responsibilities---braces, therapy, car expenses yadayadda...., you are seeing that your buckos are getting stretched to the limit.

I'd suggest you see a counselor for a session on how to communicate your differences without resentment and rage, which both of you have for each other, and for your money issues. The $80 or so for one session might be the best $$ you ever spent. Take pencil and paper for two reasons:
1. To learn the language of getting your issues out there without trouncing on the other's ego
2. Ask for ways to allocate your finances to cover your obligations.

Answer 9

I thought that marriage was a joint venture. But, I understand that these days it's a little different. I think that he's being a total "butt head". He should be at your feet thanking you every night for what you do for the family. I agree that he should walk in your shoes just for 3 days (the days that "his" mother has to go to dialysis). You need to come up with a vacation for yourself, like to one of your relatives home for a week. Then make him use his sick or vacation time to fill in. Don't budge one bit! Stand your ground! . Stay strong, don't show weakness. If anything, he should be paying you.

Answer 10

I think that the two of you need to sit down and come up with a budget. Look at the expenses that the two of you have and then look at both of your incomes.

While he should never be demeaning you when it comes to money, it may be that your household needs some additional income.

While you don't want to be forced to work, I'm sure he probably doesn't want his whole life to be work either.

You both need to come up with an arrangement and look at exactly how much money you both need to be contributing and also set up who contributes what around the home and with the family. If it's necessary for you to work, then set out what responsibilities you have around the home that you'll need his assistance with.

But it definitely sounds like you need to plan a night to come up with a concrete plan so that you don't have to worry and fight about finances all the time.

Answer 11

It sounds like he is taking for granted the monetary value of the work you do. Estimate the yearly cost for things like chauffer, nanny, daycare, cook, housekeeper, nurse, etc. and maybe he will get a better idea of the value your work adds to the household. It sounds like he is not giving you the respect you deserve if he is yelling at you and demanding things.

Also, you shouldn't view it as "helping him out financially"... you are married and are a team with equal responsibilities to your family, finances and to the household in general. It sounds like you have created an arrangement where you have divided the labor - he works outside the home and you work primarily caring for the children, home and family. If he is going to expect you to somehow bring in a full-time income, then the caregiver and household responsibilities are going to need a redistribution too.

Maybe you need financial counseling and/or marriage counseling. Good luck.