how do you tell your child why you got a divorce?

Question

My child is 13 and me and this mother are divorced and have been since he was five it was a bad break up no good terms at all and is still tense at times. He has asked me the question I dread why did we get a divorce? I am not to sure if I should be frank with him or kinda sugar coat it a little for his sake
Please Help?

Answer 1

You can tell him that you and his mother disagreed about some things and that just like a car can not go in two different directions at once, neither can a marriage. Don't sugar coat it but don't put all the blame on her either. He may already see and know the reasons, or perhaps she has been telling him bad things about you, so he may just want to hear your side of the story.

Answer 2

my sister is divorced and has this policy never bad mouth the other parent to your child or around your child I think that is a great policy because they are still also the parent and because things did not work out between the two of you doesn't mean the person is not a good parent or does not love the child. So if it involves saying the other person is a jerk don't do it. Sugar coat it

Answer 3

Censored honesty that is age appropriate. My kids are still young but the patent answer I have pre-formulated is that "Sometimes, people who love each other don't always get along. Mommy and daddy love them very much but are better apart than together."

I also focus on how lucky they are that they have two happy parents that are a part of their life and have said that from the beginning. My kids don't need to know the hell he put me through, all they need to know is that they are loved. Any of his faults or mine for that matter will become apparent as need from the eyes of the child...and remember, it is the child's instinct to "side with" the parent that is being attacked... in other words, any bad-mouthing done will turn your kids away from the parent being disrespectful.

I would ask my child though - why do you think that we got divorced? They may have some preconceived notion that needs to be addressed.

Answer 4

I think sugar coating gives a false impression. You don't have to run his mother down, but you could tell the truth. If you feel that the blame lies with his mother (for example: adultery) then just say you would prefer him to ask his mother.
Kids are loyal to their parents, but they are not fools. At the time of your divorce, you were emotional and tense, things probably got out of hand and you probably regret them. You could say this, too. Also that you are sorry things never worked out, as it would have been nice to have given your son a traditional home. You must acknowledge what he lost, too.
Good luck.

Answer 5

truth but you know your child, if some sugar coating is needed, like i would not tell a 5 year old child "mommie is a whore" not age appropiate..i would tell them mommie found different interestes...and when that child got older, middle school age, mommie fell in love with someone else and forgot to let me in on it, (but say it w/out anger) when that same child got over 18 depending on your relationship. "mommie was a whore" not that that is your issue, but along those lines. being 13 your still trying to find yourself and you dont want to give him/her any resentment toward either parent. i know cause my parents told me at 10 "mommie was a whore" as i got older she heard that from my mouth when i was angry on her visit days for things she did not let me do/go. looking back it was very disrespectful, and i have since learned
his, her and the truth. i have heard both sides of my parents story, which is very differnt from the other.. and also if you and your ex are on talking terms, maybe you can come up with the same story, answer, cause guarantee me, if he is asking you he will sooner or later ask her, if given any open opportunity..hope that helps

Answer 6

Be honest with him. He's 13 and will understand. Explain to him that not all people are designed or destined to be together. That you and his mom gave it all you had but in the end, you two are just not a proper fit as a couple. Explain that you wish he mom a good life with the right man and that you too want to be happy in life and love. Be sure to let him know that it had nothing whatsoever to do with him! That's the important part.

Answer 7

Don't go into details. Just tell him that you disagreed on too many issues to live together anymore. To have a peaceful environment for him, you decided that it would be best to divorce and you have no regrets about it.

Answer 8

Whatever you say, just be sure he cannot interpret your explanation as putting any of the blame on him. And don't portray your wife as a witch. Without going into details, just tell him the basic reason. Later on, when he is older, you might tell him in more adult terms.

Answer 9

Whatever you say, don't disrespect his other parent. Your child still loves them and you won't be doing anyone any favors by saying anything mean. I would say something gentle about not loving each other anymore, but we were so lucky to be blessed with you.

Answer 10

I was honest with my son and told him my ex-wife fell in love with another man. I'm a firm believer in telling your kids the truth at all times. I also feel it's important to teach your kids how much infidelity hurts other people....he now knows since he experienced it first hand. Tell your kid the truth.