How do I console/cheer up a friend who lost a family member?

Question

I have been dating someone for a couple months, not too serious, but he is important to me, so I want to be supportive but not interfere with family time and cheer him up. I am going over to be with him tonight and want to bring a "Bag-o-things" to put him in a happy mood...I was thinking about good, but light movies that would set an upbeat mood, comfort food, or alcholic drinks, silly games/activities/toys, etc. Any ideas?
What would cheer you up? (and not be too "heavy" from a girl you have been dating, but not too committed to)

I know that listening is the best thing I can do...but I also KNOW that he wants to be cheered up some. It was a long, lingering death, and as much as he is grieving, he has also been in that process for so long that this is a bit of a relief also. Just looking to have "fun/happy/comforting" options if they are needed.

Answer 1

I'd focus more on the comforting/consoling- I think the only thing that can bring cheer is time. Your presence alone should be a comfort, and a nice meal would be lovely, but I'd reconsider the silly games, especially if it was a really close family member. He may see this as too frivolous and disrespectful.

Answer 2

This isn't a cheer-up-after-a-break-up event. Some people aren't comfortable getting silly 'yet', because they feel it is disrespectful.

In my experience, however, some of the funniest stories are told at funeral homes and the meals that usually follow -- because people bring out their fondest memories of the person that is gone. But, planning to cajole him into a 'happy' mood may just embarass both of you.

Start with a hug. Just stand together and let your simple presence be felt. "I was sorry to hear about your . I know that they were a big part of your life." He'll knod, and thank you (like everyone does).

You can ask how the rest of the family is coping, which will give you a good feel for how well he is.

If it was a grandparent or uncle/aunt, ask him what he's learned new about that person in the last few days. You open the door then for him to share a story, an insight, or a connection to that person that comforted him. (Example, at my grandfather's funeral, we found out that he'd always hated his middle name, and changed it himself when he joined the navy. From then on, he acted like it was legal!)

But, bottom line, I would stay away from silliness *unless* you knew that there was something silly that he and the family member shared. Only in that case would I find something that echoed that connection.

Answer 3

Well if he just lost the family member, you kind of just have to let him grieve for a little bit just to get it out of his system, but to be supportive in the mean time, i would bring him funny upbeat movies like you said, sex toys are good if you guys are at that level, some of his favorite food, especially some sweets and carbs (makes people happy for some reason) and maybe a 4 pack wine cooler. No heavy dringks because you don't want him to really get used to escaping what he has to face in life. He might get used to it too much. Also just try to keep conversation positive as much as possible- even if it does lead into the death of the family member. Don't push the consoling too hard because everyone is doing that. Just show him that even though you guys aren't serious you're there for him and to support him- good or bad. Just let him talk about whatever he wants. If he needs to talk about the situation let him- as much as he wants. Make sure he knows that that person has now stopped suffering and that he/she is in a happy place with the rest of the relatives who have passed before them, so that family member is not alone up there.

Answer 4

Just be there for him. Don't ask too many questions, let him set the pace of the conversation. If he seems to be up for a game or movie then go ahead, he might just be glad to have someone from outside the family to either vent to or just NOT talk about everything that's been happening. Be his shoulder. Cheer him up if he's in an accepting mood, otherwise just let him know you care and that you are here for him however he needs you.

Answer 5

the best thing to do to cheer up people, form my experience, is to simply have a conversation with them. it doesn't matter how many movies you bring-- it matters how you use them. The alcoholic drinks would also make him happy only temporarily.

If I were you, I would ask him how he feels about his loss, and what he feels is missing now. Then, to make him better, try to fill the gap that's now present in his life as a result of his loss. This requires commitment in the future, but it's definately going to work

Answer 6

You are so sweet. Wish I had a friend like that when I lost my brother. Most people dont like to give too much sympathy because they dont know what to say. So they try to distract instead. I would just say that you are there if you wanna talk about the person they lost cos is not good to bottle up feelings. And your ideas are great too. Cook him a nice dinner and just spend time with him.

Answer 7

What makes you think he needs to be "cheered up"? When someone is mourning the death of a loved one, the last thing I would want is some silly game or bag of tricks. Why don't you bring over a platter of food, or a meal for him or his family. I think that would be thoughtful, as people have to eat, and may not feel like going through the motions of cooking a good meal for themselves. Or, they may have friends or relatives visiting, and it would be nice to serve a nice meal for company. Take a tray of lasagna, manicotti, with bread and salad; or take over a pot roast and potatoes, or a big bowl of split pea soup with corn bread. Or, if you don't like to cook, buy a deli tray with meats, cheeses, vegetables, and breads so they can make sandwiches.

Answer 8

Well...I always cheer people up
I think there're many ways to cheer him up in that situation :
1/ Told him to look at his relatives,their relatives need him very much so don't be sad
2/ Told him to think about his lost family member,his lost family member won't be happy to see him being sad !
3/ Ya're the one who can cheer him up better than all of us !!! better think of a good idea now !
Good luck !

Answer 9

Firstly someone who has lost a Family member is not going to "Cheer Up" or "Get Over It". Grief of that magnitude stays with you and becomes part of who you are and it becomes normal. The best thing you can do is "No Pressure" if he wants to talk let him if he doesn't don't make him if he wants to spend time with you, great but don't act out if he wants to be on his own.

Answer 10

A friend's 8 year-old boy was hit and killed while crossing a road. Another friend's 25 year-old son was killed last week in Afghanistan. My great-aunt passed away at the age of 97 earlier in the year.