?For those who have been cheated on, and stayed in the relationship?

Question

SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY PLEASE!!
I have been married for 5 years. Everything was wonderful until my husband had an adjustment disorder after the death of his friend and hurt me in the worst way possible (before this, we never fought, rarely argued, and had NO problems at all). It has been a year and I still can't move past it. Everything has become even better than before, but the thought is still there, it still crosses my mind, some days are better than others. I know I have forgiven him, but I can't forget. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. How long did it take you to let go?

I wasn't at fault, I literally did NOTHING wrong. He says they didn't sleep together, that she was just someone to talk to during a tough time. I guess they kissed once, and I asked around about her only to find that she has serious issues in the "sociopathic" department and ruins peoples lives when things don't go her way. He says when he told her he wasn't interested in her "that way" that's when the rumors started. I contacted her, she told me HER version of everything, never once mentioning that they slept together, even though that's what she told everyone else. Only when I asked her did she say "Oh, yeah, we hung out, and we slept together too" I found this very shady.I have learned that she is truly disturbed, so I believe my husband, but he was still having a type of relationship with her behind my back and my trust has been shot.

I'm not unhappy, and he has done everything to make things better, so I actually feel bad when the thought hits me and I start to question him. I know he won't do it ever again, I know that he is sorry and he knows he screwed up. I just don't want it to be there anymore. We have always had a "story book" relationship up until that slip last summer. It's been hard and I still ache inside because of it. We did talk, he broke down and talked to me like never before, begged my forgiveness, told me he didn't deserve it, and asked me not to stop being his wife. It's not him anymore, it's me trying to move forward, knowing things are better and hating that my body wants to move but my feet are stuck in the mud (metaphorically speaking). Should I go on anti-anxiety meds or something? It's at its worsed a week before that "time" if you know what I mean.I don't voluntarily think about it. It usually starts with a dream and spirals for a few days from there :(

Answer 1

That's a tough one. I've though it and there's no real easy answer. All I can say is that even though the wound heals, there will always be a scar. The hurt lessens but the memory remains. It really is a matter of trust. If it's worth it to you, then it's worth it.

Just remember, if you weren't at fault then it's not your job to fix things. It is up to him to make it right. If it's not to your satisfaction, then you have an obligation to yourself to end the relationship.

Answer 2

Let me first start by saying I have been where you are. Though there are times I still think about it, I have forgiven him. I think that it is important to realize that forgiving isn't an emotion but an action. You asked how long it would take to let it go, the answer is as long as you let it. I love my husband completely. I don't want to give up on something I believed in enough to vow before God to cherish. I wish you the best of luck, I sincerely hope I have helped you.

Answer 3

Never had someone who cheated on me, but I know some folks who did. It takes as long as you allow yourself not to forgive. You are not going to forget it but when you truly forgive yourself the burden are left behind. Now, it will take time to soothe the pain of infidelity. When you decided to let him back in, you made a commitment to endure the mistake. You have to start by forgive yourself, then forgiving him and the relationship in order for it to work. If not, you will be in the same place ten years down the road. Not good.

Answer 4

You can't forget but you can realize that this was his way of dealing with the death of a close friend and forgive him, as you said you have, and enjoy the fact that you say that things are better than they were before. You probably won't have to worry about him as long as another close friend doesn't die and perhaps even then because he learned that did not work and came back to you.

Answer 5

im telling youthat you will know when you have an OVERALL great man that is in love with you. Apparently it looks like in thie life you wont if you keep making yourself miserable.
A man who loves you would choose you to be able to talk to, he would be there for you now today october 10, 2007 and every other day as well and help to make you smile. Yes love is just like in the love movies its just apparently rare these days for people to be happy. I really dont know why. I guess people just look for drama. But in all, he will be judged in this afterlife and i feel sorry for him.
stay good at heart trust me in the end youll be a happy woman

Answer 6

You may never "get over it". But I'm wondering if your issues are really your husbands to rectify?.. I mean, has he truly tried to make ammends? Has he done everything he possibly can to make you feel like he's sorry? If not, then he is the problem, not you! The first step in letting hurt go is knowing that the person who hurt you is truly, and sincerely sorry. Ask yourself: Has he ever really made that clear to me? If he has, and you're still struggling w/it, then therapy may be in order, or honesty in letting him know how you feel, so he might try further to redeem himself. You must communicate how you feel in a calm, sincere manner. If he hasn't done all of the above things (which are HIS ultimate responsibility since "he" hurt 'you") then maybe you haven't let him know you're not healed? If he is not willing to help you heal, then he may not be worthy of staying with. Hope this helps.

Answer 7

You will never forget about it and deep down in your heart you will never forgive the "act". It's almost impossible to ever forget that he betrayed you the way that he did. I would get out of the relationship and move on to someone who will treat you with the respect and dignity that you deserve! Nobody deserves to be cheated on...and a leopard can't change it's spots...once a cheat, always a dirty nasty cheat!

Answer 8

Love is a powerful weapon in the face of adversity! If you are desirous to continue on in this relationship...unconditional love will take you far beyond your thought life-- into a place of abundant peace. Thoughts are fleeting-- and as life goes on they will diminish more and more. The love you all have for one another will past the test, as you strain to move into the brightness of your future --> beyond that which is no more.

Below are links which have helped me through-- certainly I can relate to your pain.

God bless you!

Answer 9

well my husband did the same and its been 4yrs and i don't think i have forgave him for it and i still haven't forgot and like u say there better days then others but to tell you the truth i don't think i will ever get over it.i think about it a lot but i guess its either i deal with it get out of it. and i choose to stay for a couple of reasons i do love him and we've been together 8 yrs and we do have 4 kids together

Answer 10

I remarried the woman who cheated on me after we were divorced three years and it still was in the back of my mind at times. We are divorced again, part of the problem was the fact I could not forget. I wish you well.