together 7 years, married for 3. about a year ago we went through a terrible time in which we split for about 6 months. we really did not get on and he can be cruel at times and pick on me. and i had enough. i admit that i texted another man a few years ago and then last year he did the same and text a woman at work. nothing happened- no sex, just texts. i thought i had got over all of it- my mistakes and his, but it has come back and flooded my mind and i feel terrible. we do love each other otherwise we would not be together now and gone through all that hell, but i feel my marriage is now "not pure" and how it should be. i can not forgive myself and i can not forgive my husband. i am always the strong one in the relationship, he doesnt like responsability and as a woman this did bother me. i think i wanted to escape my life at the time. but its no excuse. i feel like crying and i feel dizzy all the time because im stuck thinking about it. what can i do? im so sad.
2007-10-10 03:52:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
we moved away and have a great apartment and are trying our best to forget. but im so upset, i have been fine and happy until now.
2007-10-10 03:54:31 · update #1
It sounds like he is abusive to you. This sounds like it was never a pure relationship.
This is a marriage that is problematic at best. I would suggest that you divorce based upon what you have said and not said.
Take care,
Troy
2007-10-10 04:01:27 · answer #1 · answered by tiuliucci 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Counseling is a good place to start. Also there is what sounds like a trust issue that hasn't been dealt with. Even though you might not want to admit it part of the problem could be that in the back of your mind you wonder when the next episode will be. You both might have made mistakes, and if you can't forgive yourself it will be even harder to forgive him. Everybody is going to make mistakes in life, it is part of being human. If you two truly are in love then in time you both will be able to look past the mistakes in the past and move on together. At the end of the day the only thing that really matters is what the two of you are doing together now and how you feel about eachother today. The past is a memory yes, but you don't want to let the past hurt the future.
2007-10-10 04:06:32 · answer #2 · answered by dschoon11 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Inevitably there are going to be issues cropping up from your past troubles - you are fearing that it may all happen again perhaps? You are waiting for the pain which might not come so I can see that your outlook isn't optimistic and I wonder why? A great deal of women really take full responsibility for everything in the home and organising the lot - I know I do it. Perhaps things are not as rosy as all that. Perhaps you are having doubts about the relationship in general and that this text business is merely a focus for your basic dislikes about the marriage. You are allowing it all to go back to you being responsible for everything and in a sense, you must wonder why you bother with him - what is the reason he is there? I think if you address some fundamental questions and face up to the reality of the answers you get, you will find that its a great deal more that you are worried about. Once you know for sure what is going on in your mind, you will be able to communicate these fears to your husband and hopefully sort things out properly. Right now, you are just hovering on the outskirts of your marriage. Dive in and sort it if you can. Good luck.
2007-10-10 10:22:35 · answer #3 · answered by AUNTY EM 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know how u feel. I've been married for nearly 12 years and we have our ups and downs like yours.
the most important thing is, accept yourself as what you are and what you've done in the past would never come back or be changed. Mistakes have been made but looking forward is more important than looking back. The fact that you feel bad about yourself is because you have that conscience and love deep in your heart. Give both yourself and your man a chance to move forward. God can help.
Find a pastor to talk to - ask him to pray with you both. It seems that the 'wrongs or mistake' (whatever it means in your case) is so huge that you both cannot let it go. If you both are willing to get together and give it a go, than give it a bigger one by totally surrender yourself to each other, and leave it to God to take away whatever that is bothering us.
I encourage you not to give up sis. I find this site useful, some articles are really spot-on.
http://www.familylife.com/articles/article_detail.asp?id=1147&page=1&keywords=
God bless
2007-10-13 04:34:09 · answer #4 · answered by Ruth 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your relationship is obviously in crisis. Don't let the time you've been together dictate you choices. if you guys are not fulfilling one another, maybe its best to consider parting ways. Sometimes, people reach out to others because there is fundamentaaly something wrong in their relationships. Have you tried discussing this with complete honesty? The responsibility thing is not going to change either, even if you get over the semi-betrayal with the texts etc. I suggest a trial separation. Cruelty should NEVER be part of a relationship.
2007-10-10 05:06:13 · answer #5 · answered by kaeraj 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh dear you are getting yourself into such a state about this aren't you, why ? neither of you were actually unfaithful, so a few text went to and fro it's not the end of the world. You seem to be building this up in your mind and blowing it all out of proportion. Stop beating yourself up, you haven't done anything wrong you'll just end up making yourself I'll. Life's too short for all this, draw a line in the sand and start again. Good luck.
2007-10-10 12:13:08 · answer #6 · answered by Bezza 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi....
i have experience with a man who didn't want to take on his own, adult responsibilities (such as making a budget, paying his bills on time or at all, or even taking care of his home maintenance). We only dated, and it was obvious he wanted a "mommy" and sex partner, and someone to wait around for him....
if i were in your position, just the fact that the man is irresponsibile would turn me off... i already raised two children, and i am not in the market for a child in a man's body at all!
as for your other marital problems regarding the separation and events which happened afterward, i think it would be a good idea to forgive yourself and him if you plan to stick around.
you know, therapy never hurt anyone, and sometimes a good therapist can help us with insight and give us direction. we aren't born with good coping skills...
take care of YOU. i'm sorry you're sad hon....
you might also do a YAHOO search on SELF FORGIVENESS.
2007-10-10 04:40:28 · answer #7 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you both need to get some marriage counseling. you both made mistake, move on from there. sometimes it helps to talk to someone who has nothing to do with the situation. also, if your sadness if causing you problems in your everyday life, i would talk to your doctor about getting on anti-depressants. my hubby and i are going through some tough times right now and i just got on them. the constant thoughts were making me insane and i couldn't stop them. whatever you do, do it together.
2007-10-10 03:57:54 · answer #8 · answered by redpeach_mi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you just sent a text message, what's the harm? It's not like there was any kissing or sex with the other person.
2007-10-10 04:04:17 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
hi,
1-you need counselling
2-if hes willing to forget why cant you?
3-are you sure u didnt do anythng else, cozz u got a big guilty concious
4- lifes toooooooooooo short, dont waste it over this!!
5- atleast hes aroung he aint gone !!!!!!
2007-10-10 04:05:52 · answer #10 · answered by Ruby 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋