Low libido or what? My husband and I have had sex only twice in 2 years!?

Question

I was pregnant for the first celibate year and he uses this as an excuse despite the fact that you couldn't even tell, of course, for the first 4 or so months. I have caught him over the years on the Internet and each time he was looking at a woman's butt. On top of this he never even made a SINGLE comment about our lack of sex until I mentioned it! I KNOW he's not cheating, I almost wish he were, at least that would explain things. I am not too interested in having sex with him either mainly due to the fact that I find his lack of desire in and of itself a turn-off, not to mention the resentment I've built up over other issues. The difference between him and I is that I am HIGHLY aware of my celibate status whereas it doesn't seem to bother him at all. He never mentions it, again, unless I do. He seems to think as long as we're not fighting things are fine. We never had a very intimate relationship. He does perform oral sex and I don't if a gay guy could do that. Me not ugly or fat.

We've gone to counselors, they want him to have his testosterone level checked but he's seems offended by this. He's never had a serious relationship with anyone until he met me at age 33 or so. He does take propecia. Yes, I've never known a guy to turn down sex but he has because he thought it was funny we were in the kitchen or weird because it was in the afternoon. scary, huh?

We are both 38. Definitely not 'over the hill' yet! Too young to dry up!

Yes, my thighs could be a little more toned but in general I have a very good body...definitely better than average. And talk about date night...well he's going out with a guy friend at work Friday to a lecture even though we never go out. Yes, babysitting costs money if we both go out but still...

and every single time we ever had sex before this celibate period I initiated it. I performed quite a bit of oral sex on him but now I just can't bring myself to do it. I just plain don't want sex with him anymore but I do want sex...that's the difference between him and I...he doesn't seem to care at all about sex.

and I've always had a VERY high sex drive but he never has. I just can't seem to get attracted to him at all anymore, especially after not even touching for almost 2 years...no hold holding, NOTHING. and this is perfectly normal to him.

and only reason I put up with it is because of our two precious little baby girls. Which is also the reason I 'settled'...I desperately wanted kids and I was 36 years old and I knew he'd be a good daddy and we had a lot in common, which he is but that's not enough obviously. We lack an 'emotional connection' and always have. He also has NO sense of humor which, to me, is so important.

Answer 1

This is more than just low libido...there is no way to have a healthy romantic relationship without a high, or at least moderate, level of affection (including sex which is the most intimate form of romantic expression). Maybe ya'll should get counseling...all I know is that I don't envy your situation.

Answer 2

You said it all in the second paragraph of your question. You and he do not work and so you are together 24/7. This is among the most destructive situations you can put a relationship into, even the most compatible of couples will start to crack under this sort of pressure. One, or preferably both of you should get up, find a job and get away from home for some time in each day so you have a chance to miss each other. Also developing a sense of self worth by doing something constructive will help as much as anything else, the human brain needs purposeful activity to keep it functioning and computer games just not do the job. You will be amazed at just how quickly your relationship (and life generally) improves with a little of this therapy.

Answer 3

Maybe he is gay. Maybe he is not attracted to you, but too lazy to go out and find another woman to have an affair with. Really, it's could be anything. Personally, I think that it's a hormonal problem, and he needs medical attention. This isn't healthy for either of you. And by the way, pregnancy does not preclude sex. Even if your doctor advises against intercourse in the last months, there are still other ways to be intimate with your partner. So that was a horrible excuse on his part. Force him to seek medical help, or end the relationship.

Answer 4

Yours is a sad story, especially since you and your husband are not an old couple that has grown out of sex but have very different ideas about the importance of sex in your lives. From what you say it seems that you will have to make a hard choice between living with the father of your daughters and having a sex life. One way out might be an "open marriage" if you could bring your husband to agree to that. I am sure that there are plenty of men around who would be more than happy to discreetly provide the sex you need without interfering with your family life. Given your husband's lack of interest, he should agree to that. But that is a delicate issue.

I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 5

1. well, he could be experiencing an engine break down & does not want to let u know about it. Its a very humiliating thing for a man if his thing just can't stand on salute. slip him some viagra on his dinner;

2. u don't aroused him sexually. check your dressing & yr wardrobe..r u still using stuff thats 10 years old?

3. he is having an affair in the office. Check his underwear when he comes home---there is always some tell tale sign of some semen sticking to the underwear...or i could b wrong & he was just having some fantastic daydream...

4. Talk it out with him.

Best of luck..

Answer 6

Some men have no interest in sex at all because of depression. Some have a low testosterone level which can be checked by your doctor. Other than that, your hubby may be simply hiding gay tendencies which would be a turnoff to him when trying to have sex with a woman.

Answer 7

You talk about resentment you have built up,what about him?If he is performing oral sex on you and your not returning the favor he probably has alot of resentment as well.If he is looking at women's butt's online he is probably interested in anal sex but if you won't even perform oral then you aren't going to try that are you?It sounds like you may be better off celibate.Buy you a toy and batteries!

Answer 8

Get a divorce, if he truly loved you he would be taking care of your sexual needs if he doesn't have a ED problem he has no excuses plain and simple. He sounds like a mental case no man in his right mind would turn down his wife's sexual advances unless he cheating or gay. Move on life is to short..

Answer 9

Dont be so sure he aint cheaitng on you honey. Come on, sex twice in 2 years! And to be honest with you, I have to ask you if you are cheating? THAT is not normal for any adult to go that long without sex. You two need professional intervention. Go see a sex therapist or something. your sexual relationship with your husband is not healthy.

Answer 10

He might be cheating on you on the Internet with cyber sex, it is happening all around the world right this moment. Or he may have low testosterone levels. I suggest marriage counseling. If he won't go, go by yourself.