my boyfriend has a baby by another woman and she's mean i'm 23 years old what to do?

Question

my boyfriend apparently got this girl pregnant when we weren't together and i just found out after having been with him for a year he said he was afraid of losing me and he is right because if i found this out a year ago i would've never been with him. now i have fallen deeply in love with him. but thats not the issue, his baby mom is terrible she leaves messages telling him how he wants her back even though he says he never tells her that and she also says on his voicemail that he has another woman and she calls me names. i tell him about it and he says i'm letting her ruin our lives. i already told him i would accept the child and i would like to make it work but his baby mother is a pain. i didn't even find out about the baby from him until a couple of months ago i heard her on his voicemail talking about him not seeing his son. he said he was waiting for the right time to tell me because we had been arguing off and on. i don't know what to do he is my first love and i'm confused

Answer 1

Time to look for another boyfriend.

Don't get tangled in this. Leaving after one year is MUCH easier than leaving after 2, 3, 4, 5....

Either that, or tell him he better make sure she stops calling or else.

Answer 2

This is interesting. Usually it is the woman who is disinterested after having a baby. Your situation is reverse. Was he present when you gave birth? Seeing that will make him think differently of that special place that you have, that used to only be his. Now something was born through it, and it could have been a very traumatic thing for him to see. Especially since what you said about the foreplay. You really need to talk to him about this. If you are connected as well as you think and if you have excellent communications with him, you need to ask him and get a good answer why he acts like he does. "I don't know" is not the right answer. He knows and you want him to tell you. Please do not give up on this. Find out soon, so you can adjust things to make them better. If he will not say, then you need to go see a therapist for an opinion. He needs to tell you. Some time passing might slowly put him into the mood again, but who knows why he feels like this. It is not exactly normal. I think something is wrong, and you should strive to find out what it is that bothers him.

Answer 3

The first warning sign I feel is that he didn't tell you he had a child for a whole year. I agree with you that it's not a big deal that he has a child, but not telling you about it is a big deal. I think you should worry about that problem.

As for the child's mother, there is little you can do as far as how she deals with him. This is a consequence of his choosing to have sex with this woman and he really should accept the consequences. If you feel harassed by this woman you could get a restraining order or something like that. It also strikes me funny that he seems to be putting the responsibility of the situation on you.

So, two warnings about your boyfriend above, and maybe you should consult with an attorney about what you can do about the possible harassment you're receiving from this woman.

Answer 4

She is trying to steal him, no doubt. If you let her get to you, she will win, because you'll end up driving him away.

Just be nice as pie to her, no matter what she does. But be firm. Don't let her push you around, don't let him abuse your trust, or your kindness.

You and he need to talk about this seriously. Let him know that you feel like it is asking a lot of you to put up with her, but that you will do it, and do it honorably, because you love him, and want to support him, and want to encourage him to have a relationship with his child. Stress to him that you would never come between him and his child, but that you expect him to put you first before his ex. His ex is only to get his time if it is for the child. None of this 'oh, she was scared so i went to visit for a bit.' he should care about you being on your own, not her.

another thing. get rid of your answering services, and see if she'll still say these horrible things while you're on the other end.

It's okay to explain to him that you don't think you would've stuck around if you knew a year ago, but that you love him too much to throw it all away, and so you want to make it work.

If he is getting cranky just because you let him know what she has been saying, then perhaps there is some truth to what she is saying. A man should not get defensive if he has nothing to hide. he should be reassuring. letting you know it's ridiculous what this woman said, and that of course he wants no one but you.

I don't think that my hubby would ever cheat, he doesn't even have any ex girlfs, but being a girl, i sometimes get paranoid, so i ask him if he was really where he said he was, or if he was having sex with some one. he hugs me, and tells me no, of course not. he leaves me in no doubt that he's MY man.

The fact he hid the whole thing for so long makes me worry that there may be something more going on here. You may need to call him on that. Encourage him not to go over there, except for the 5 minutes it takes to collect his son, and then they can have their visit at your place instead of near the ex. this way you can build your relationship with him too.

Answer 5

This is a toughie. It sounds to me like a classic case of baby mama drama. She obviously is a jealous, immature ***** who wants to trap him with this kid. These kinds of situations almost always end up with the other woman (you, in this case) getting caught in the middle ultimately forcing an ultimatim, making him choose between her and you. If he's as in love with you as you are with him, then this won't be a hard choice for him to make.

Personally speaking, though, I don't think he was waiting for the right time to tell you. I think that if you hadn't heard her go on and on about him not seeing his son, he probably never would have told you. Keeping a secret like a kid from someone is inexcusable; he should have been up front and honest with you about that from the get go. Honesty is the core of any good relationship and it seems to me like he lacks that quality. The first love is always a *****, I'm speaking from experience here, but your best bet is to cut your losses and find someone with less drama. You'll thank yourself in the long run.

Answer 6

The real issue is why did he keep that informations from you all this time? He doesn't sound trustworthy. If he had been honest about his situation from the beginning I would say just try to get along or ignore the mother of his child the best way you can. But since he's prone to keeping secrets my advice is find someone else who can be honest with you.

Answer 7

Sounds to me like your man has been filling you with mistruths from the beginning. I wouldn't say he's lied to you, just failed to mention rather vital pieces of information.

To me, if this guy didn't tell you up front that he had a child, he was never really going to tell you. He's just covering his tracks because you found out accidentally.

I can understand your situation, as I myself am in similar. My man has two young children to a previous partner who he is currently fighting for shared custody of. The difference is, that he was upfront about his kids, and the situation with the mother from our first date.

My advice, this guy is not worth it. He has no intention of setting her straight on your relationship.

Good Luck

Answer 8

first of all he should have told u up front abouy a child did he think that after a year it would be easier wrong and u sound young and if u are you dont need to get away from this now there are so many good guys out there who wont lie to u from the start think about it

Answer 9

Sorry to tell you this, but life ain't gonna get easier. You may need to step away from the situation and let him prove to you that you are his focus in the romantic part of his life. If you leave for a while and he turns to her, then you know he isn't the one for you. I have to commend you for the effort in being a positive person for the innocent one in the whole matter, the child.

Answer 10

calm down ..its so obvious he choose to be with you and not her
from what i read his doin all he can to work things out with you and keep threlationship goin on with you...i know this mother is a pain in the *** ...and seriously theres nothin else you can do about ...unless he talk to her ...i suggest avoid her as much as you can..she is really tryin hard to ruin both of you..ignore dont take it seriously on whatever she says or do...later she would have enough bother you both when she knows that she cant break you both apart...