Would You???

Question

My husband and I have the opportunity to adopt a child. This would be a closed adoption. our names would go on the birth cirtificate immediatly.
It just seems too good to be true. The birth mother had NO interest in the child. She wants NOTHING to do with him or her.
We have a home and are ready to be parents. We have so much love in our hearts. I can see the Pros But I know there are Cons....HELP

Answer 1

Cons -

* the child will not know or have any contact with his/her mother or father or extended family.

* the child is not yours - not born of you - has not got the same genes - the child needs the above knowledge/contact to have self-worth and a good self-image.

* it's essentially a lie.

*adoptees hate lies.

* adoptees become very resentful when they're older when they find out about the lies.

* having your name on the birth cert is a lie.

* if the child's mother really does not want contact -then you must get as much information from her now - and make sure that she is open to contact with you through the child's life so that questions can be answered. She decided to carry a child to term - it is her responsibility to uphold this for the child.

* allow for the adoption to be opened at any time - if the mother changes her mind. This can happen - and you really must allow for this. It is what's best for both mother and child.

* And a question - where is the father - does he know???
Ethically wrong to not advise him - and not have info on him for this child - the child has the right to also know this info.


I'm sorry if any of this comes across as harsh - I'm not meaning to upset you - but living as an adoptee with lies and secrets about your own existence is a really really painful thing to live through.

I've lived with it for 38 years.
I do not want to see yet another adoptee head in that same direction.

We are talking about a living breathing child - one that will grow up - and possibly be quite angry if their own adoption was not in their best interests - or ethically done.

Relinquishment from mother causes trauma to the child.
If this mother really does NOT want to parent the child - you need to do all you can to make the pain not so acute for the child - by taking steps to allow the child to know their truth - and allow the child to grieve what he/she has lost.

It's a loss you - yourself - can not 'fix'.
But it is a loss that you can be compassionate about - and can help make it more bearable to live with if some of these steps are met.

As always - I wish the very best for this child.

Some reads -

Adoptee blogs -
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=2805.0
http://lizardchronicles.blogspot.com/
(above - click on the links to the right for research into infant brain trauma)

Adoptive parent blogs -
http://www.allmychildren-christine.blogspot.com/
http://seriouslyjustme.blogspot.com/
http://justenjoyhim.wordpress.com/

Answer 2

Most of the cons have been pretty well covered above. A couple other thoughts are:

While the baby's mother has expressed that she has no interest in her baby, that doesn't mean she's telling the truth. Or that she won't change her mind. It indicates something is wrong. What is that?

As others have said, you need to know the baby's father's mind as well. What about other family members? These are the baby's ancestors etc. What are their interests, opinions and contact information. You want to provide the child with as much of their personal history as you can if s/he has to be taken from them.

If the mother has made the commitment to carry the infant to term and give birth, she could also nurse and nurture the baby for 6 weeks and see how she feels after that.

Answer 3

I would adopt the child if the mother does not want anything to do with the child. My one question is what about the father. He has rights too. Is he known? Is he in agreement with the decision. If not, then the adoption might not be as easy as you think.

If the adoption does take place, my advice to you and your husband is to be prepared. Be prepared for when your child comes to you one day and asks you why he was adopted. Be prepared for when your child comes to you and asks you about his biological parents. Be prepared for questions from outside your circle regarding why your child may not look like you or your husband. Be prepared for when your child may come to you and asks you who does he look like. Be prepared to tell your child that s/he was adopted. Be prepared for the reaction. Be prepared to be asked what are the names of my "real" parents. These are just some of the things to be prepared for.

You can become prepared by educating yourself. Read books on adoption like Dear Birthmother, etc., and form your own opinions. Some of these books, in my opinion, seem to blame everything that goes wrong with your life on the fact that you were adopted. But, that is another topic. Also, talk with other adoptive parents and maybe if their children are old enough the children of those parents.

Whenever a child is adopted, the birth certificate is changed to reflect the names of the adoptive parents.

Answer 4

"It just seems too good to be true" FOR YOU.

This whole scenario gives me the willies. It's like a bad Hollywood horror movie--doncha think? What good can come of all these secrets and lies?

Let's say your husband found a 'fool-proof' way to conduct an affair, and you would never know. He meets with his sweetie once a month, and you're none the wiser. It's okay, right? I mean it doesn't hurt your marraige, intimacy together, or errode your trust, does it?

Of course it would. Your marraige would be based on deception. This is what you would be doing to a child--a completely innocent child. A child who will KNOW you did not give birth to him--trust me.

There are NO 'pros' as far as I am concerned. Raising a child who is not yours biologically has it's own set of issues. You really need to do some research. Adoption is a big 'plus' for the APs. It is a huge loss to the child, no matter which way you look at it.

The natural mother might say she has no interest now, but hopefully will change her mind later. It would make this child a stronger person emotionally, and ultimately a healthier adult.

Remember, adoption is supposed to be FOR the child's 'needs' not used as a filler for you & your husband's needs.

I think if you follow through with this plan, it will backfire-badly.

Answer 5

Regardless of what you have heard in these answers, you should acknowledge that there ARE CONS. But these cons can be fixed NOW. If you wait, until the child finally grows up and needs the answers then it will be too late. These things need and must be resolved prior to the sealing of the records. Once sealed (in many states) you can move hell and highwater and still not get them opened.

Firstly, I haven't heard anything about birth dad? Does he know? How does he fit in this picture? He has legal right to his child until he relinquishes them. You should consult an attorney, which I will assume you already have. That should have been step 1.

Now for the really BIG and MOST IMPORTANT con. Closed Adoption. While this may sound like a great idea as an adopted mother/father, it has long lasting serious negative affects on the child adopted. This is fact. Just review answers from other adult adoptees in other questions. There are alot of us and we are hurting and, at times, quite angry! With good reason.

Your child may not ever ask you questions or even ackowledge to you that he/she has questions, curiousities, or just feelings in general regarding the issue. But they will tell their friends and they will have them. It's only natural. Be prepared with all the information that you can gain prior to the finalization. Get all the medical information. Are they other siblings? This is of utmost importance. If, indeed, there are siblings, as children they do not have the right to know them or know they exist in many cases. Get their names, any information on them at all, birth dates, birth places, anything that can allow this adopted child to know and find their siblings in time. I am just now finding that I have at least two natural siblings (one my birthmother kept and the other also placed into a closed adoption). It is extremely difficult to find anything about them, because you don't have the necessary information. This began the basis of my searching. And it has been difficult. I am not turning up anything easily and quite frankly have become obsessed with the whole thing. It's all I can think of. It can be overwhelming at times. Another issue that is bound to come up is the unknown of the birth name. We want to own our names. It is very important to the majority of us. Get the original birthcertificate and copy it. Voluntarily give this information to your child, when they become an adult. We most likely won't ask you for it. I will not ask my mother for anything. I don't wan to risk hurting her feelings. She is 70yrs old now and I expect my time with her here on earth is limited. I do not want to cause her any pain at this time in our lives. I would prefer she finish her life the same way we have always led it, with me and my adoptive brother in the dark.

My advice, get the information up front, COPY THE ORIGINAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE. Our name means everything to us. Voluntarily hand it to your child when they are adults. They will want to know, whether they tell you they do or not. Be up front with your child, in time. They need to know that they were adopted. I still remember my parents telling me. I was 8 and it didn't scar me. Not having my original birth certificate, and finding out that I have siblings 30 years later that I cannot locate....that's where the scars are from.

Answer 6

I would not unless there were a way to make sure the child would have access to his birth parent info when he is ready. Make sure the birth parents will have the same access. People change their minds ALL THE TIME. And no matter what the birth certificate says, the child does have a connection to his birthparents.

Answer 7

Please make sure a copy of the original birth certificate is available to the adoptee, before the adoption is finalized. Otherwise it is sealed away and should the adoptee want to see it he/she will be told 'no' which sucks, big time!

No natural mother has NO interest in her own child. It is probably just too painful for her to deal with. I'd say kindness, compassion and openness are the order of the day

It goes without saying that a child should never be told their mother has no interest in them

Answer 8

Well you sound like a great potential Mummy with lots of love to give but I advise you to consult a Lawyer to ensure it is all 100% legal to prevent future heartache.

Best Wishes!!

Answer 9

I'm not saying this to just jump on something you said and yell at you, but when you said "t just seems too good to be true. The birth mother had NO interest in the child. She wants NOTHING to do with him or her." it was like a knife in my heart. I did not meet my mother until I was 18 even though we were supposed to be in a very open adoption (my father's parents adopted me). After we met, she didn't really want anything to do with me, treated me like crap and now we haven't spoken in a long time. It is such a deep pain to be rejected by your mother, its the most traumatic thing that has happened to me.
I realize that you meant its ideal in that the mother isn't being coerced into giving the baby away, which yes, that is better. However, since you asked for cons, one of the biggest is what I just described. The very fact that the baby's mother doesn't want them is the cause of more loss and pain for a person than you can probably imagine, at least for me, I can't speak for all adoptees.
Just imagine for a moment that tomorrow you wake up in a strange room, in someone else's bed. A man rolls over, kisses you and says "good morning love". You've never seen this man before in your life and you aren't sure if he's responsible for you being there. You have no idea where your husband is or if you're ever going to see him or your own house again. You're trapped. He takes you out with him and tells everyone you are his wife. You protest that you are not, you already have a husband, He shows you a marriage certificate with his name on it. He keeps calling you Betty, everyone keeps calling you Betty. You tell them no, thats not my name. I have a name, its Susan. No one listens. You tell the people around you that he's not your real husband, but they just smile and say of course he is dear. Your old husband didn't want you anymore, so he let this nice man marry you instead. Aren't you lucky someone wanted you? Aren't you happy someone gave you a new home? You should be grateful to this man for taking you and loving you when your other husband threw you away like garbage! I never want to hear you saying anything negative about this new marriage again!!! You try to speak out but no one wants to listen. They tell you how horrible you are for grieving your former husband and your former life, for wanting to be Susan again instead of Betty. You decide to try to find your former husband, you need the truth. You have to know if he really dumped you or if you were kidnapped, if he was sad to lose you...you want to gather up some of your old things, your things when you were Susan. The new man is a nice man, you have even grown to love him despite your grief for your former husband. You don't want to hurt his feelings. You don't know whether to be honest or hide the fact that you are searching. Eventually you find your former husband and you learn that some people told your husband that if he really loved you, he would let you go so you could be with this new man. The new man could give you things he never could, and to keep you as his wife would be selfish. He didn't want to let you go, but he couldn't live with himself thinking he ruined your life by keeping you. You try to build back your relationship but you cant, not the way it was. Its been too many years and you're Betty not, not Susan. You will never get your old life back, and you're not ever allowed to grieve it. And people will always tell you to be happy about it, that it was Gods will.
Those are the cons.

Answer 10

Well,

First off, the poster stating that your names on the BC is fraudulent is completely untrue, my husband and I have 2 adopted children, and once the adoptions were finalized, the childrens' names were immediately changed to reflect their adopted status.
I am very happy that you and your husband are considering adoption, it is a magical process(although not without it's ups and downs).
The one thing that you may face when your child is older is the explanation as to why his birth mother didn't want him. There is no tactful way to explain that, and you may face anger/resentment. So be prepared.

If the child is of mixed race, be prepared for the stares and the questions. One of my boys is Spanish, and the other is Trinidadian.. so I am often asked if I am the babysitter.

Other than that,.there are no guarantees in life whether you give birth or adopt, anyone can give birth to a child, it's what you do once you have them that makes you a parent.

Good Luck and God Bless!