How am I going to do this? How can I possibly keep my sanity? Married to Asperger's Syndrome?

Question

My husband can't read my emotions, let alone social cues. It's part of his mental disability. Once a week we've been going to marriage counseling, but in the meantime, we have children to raise (pre-k thru teen- two older deal with Asperger's too!). I don't have any emotional needs met, and I have been dying inside for years giving him all that he needs, while I'm left with an empty cup. There is little I haven't done to support him: from career moves around the country to spending nights alone while he travels. I tell him point blank how I feel with tears in my eyes, but he doesn't get it.

I've been married 13 years. I came from a horribly abusive home, and he was willing to share an apartment. It seems a fiasco from the begining.

Answer 1

See Asperger's Disorder, at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris on page 21. He can learn to interpret those emotional states, if willing, and with appropriate therapy, but will never have the intuitive grasp of the emotional states of others, only an intellectual understanding of what certain visual/auditory, or other sensory cues mean, and a suitable response.

Answer 2

i do no longer know what the real data are for adult males with Aspergers and marriage yet i've got faith the linked fee to be tremendously low. i'm suspected to be an Aspie yet undiagnosed and that i'm 38 and have never been married or in an intimate dating. i will no longer discover the article now yet I keep in mind one guy or woman writing approximately Aspergers from Ohio and asserting out of the 80 person Asperger adult males interior the help team, purely 2 had ever been married and one replace into an arranged marriage to earnings a green card. no longer the happiest odds yet those have been the enjoying cards we've been dealt and that i assume we are able to purely do the superb we are able to from there.

Answer 3

A lot of men aren't good at reading emotions either but I do know you have it much harder. Being with him must also have it's benefits. Maybe you could try making new girl-friends or join support groups. He has a condition he cannot help and for the sake of your kids you must find other ways to deal w/ your emotions. BTW, I have a crush on someone w/ aspergers I had no idea how hard it is. Best of luck to you!

Answer 4

I have been with my husband for over 15 years and struggle with the same issues. Only in the past few years did I hear about Aspergers Syndrome and only in the past year did I realize that my husband has it.

I wish I had a simple answer but I don't.

One really important thing is to find a marriage counselor who is familiar with AS, or to find a way to familiarize your current counselor with the subject.

My husband and I went to couples therapy for years, but since no one knew what was "in-play" here, it turned into a "he-said, she-said" match since men with AS have a different perception of how they see things, which many times if far removed from reality. If your husband doesn't know that he has AS, you need to be careful how you broach the subject because many times these men react with denial and blame.... We now see someone who understands how Aspergers Syndrome affects relationships so we are starting to make some progress.

You will probably need to look outside the relationship for emotional support -- friends, family, religious groups, etc....

Check out some of the many great books on AS which can be found at the Amazon Aspergers Resource Center here:
http://tinyurl.com/ywz6y7

Also, check out our online Yahoo support group --AspegergesAndOtherHalf for women in relationships with men who have Asperger's :

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/AspergersAndOtherHalf/

Not only will you find compassionate and supportive women who understand what you are going through, we also have links to various resources and when you join the group you will have access to articles and other helpful resources in the "files" section.

Answer 5

I am woman, married, and I have Auditory Processing Disorder. I share many of the same social problems as people with AS. I find social situations confusing, find it hard to make small talk, find it hard to work out what other people are thinking and feeling, people often say I was rude even when this was not intended. What has helped me the most when dealing with my husband and family is two things.
The first has to due with what my family can do for me, and that is to drop all social niceties and be very direct with what they are saying and feeling. They do this not just when their is a big emotional issue but with little things before it becomes a big emotional issue. In the past, my husband would not say what he was really feeling and I would never notice it. Now he has gotten better at this. Also, as I said before it is hard for me to read him, but if I have even the smallest inkling that something is bothering him, then I ask. More often than not, I am mistaken and I just read him wrong, but sometimes I am right it can help avoid problems.
One of the things that I do to try to help my husband and family is by being very careful with what I say, and really think about the words I use. I have gotten a lot better with how I express myself (so that I don't hurt others feelings) but I am nowhere near 100%. I have to match their commitment with expressing how they feel, with my commitment of taking their feelings into consideration, even if I have trouble picking up on them. Transparency is really important in how my family communicates with me. Often times I don’t understand their feelings, but I still believe that they are feeling what they say they are, and I have to give that the respect that it deserves.
It sounds like you really want to make your marriage work and it sounds like you are at the end of your rope. Hey, everyone gets there at some point in time, and that is just normal people not having to deal with AS. If you still have a commitment to your marriage and your husband has an equal commitment, then it sounds like you need to take a deep breath and refocus. You know the problems that you are dealing with, through trial and error you already know many things that don't work and many things that do, and you are far from being at the starting gate with AS. Not to mention you have kids dealing with Asperger’s too. Your ability to work things through with your husband will give them great tools for their adult relationship.
With the type of problems that you are describing, their are two types of personalities that I can think of that having real problems dealing with this situation. The First is a A-typical person that wants to think that nothing bothers them and they never need help and refuse to ask for it. Most of the time it is the ones around this person that suffer the most. The other type is a person that is a doormat. They never express themselves until it is too late and the problem as exploded into something that they can no longer contain.
You are right to seek a marriage counseling, however there are counselors that specialize with AS and I would suggest going to them as apposed to a average joe psychologist.
Take a deep breath and ….Breathe. I am sure that your husband appreciates all the efforts it takes to deal with him.

Answer 6

I have a son with AS. He's very bad at understanding my feelings, but very good at following explicit instructions. I know this does not come naturally, but you need to focus less on having him understand your feelings and more on telling him exactly what you want him to do for you. I know it will make you feel bossy, but get comfortable with that. Learn to be a dominatrix in your relationship with him...and I don't mean sexually (although that might work, too).

I mean, to the point where you tell him to buy you flowers on Tuesday evening. Tell him you want him to rub your back for twenty minutes this evening. Take charge; he'll love it. Tell him you understand he has trouble really knowing what you want, so you're going to give him some tips. Get his friends and family in the loop, too. Ask his brother to remind him that you would like a gift on Valentine's Day. Whatever. The point is, men don't "get it" anyway, AS men even less so!

Yes, it seems unromantic. But that's what you married into. And look at it this way: the men who sweep you off your feet with romance and delve into your deepest feelings are often the abusive types. Take it from me; I have firsthand experience with this.

As far as other emotional needs, such as understanding your problems, use your girlfriends and your mother more for that. Unless you have something specific that you need him to do or not to do (ie, call you once a day and talk for 15 min or not call you a particular name), don't look to him for "emotional support." You can get that from other sources.

If he is a good provider, sexually forthcoming, and not abusive, you're doing better than most of us. If he needs to turn down certain business trips because you need help with the kids, tell him. But stop whining about your "emotional needs." It isn't fair to a man who speaks only English to start gibbering in Greek!

Answer 7

I suspect that there are support groups out there for people like you. Hopefully your counselor can help you with this. I am so sorry you are going through this. Remember that there were some reasons that you decided to marry your husband in the first place and hopefully that'll soften the difficulties for you. I think the counseling will help you to learn how to communicate with each other.

Answer 8

Yes, get into a support group ASAP. Your husband, as you acknowledge, is unaware and therefore unable to rectify his behavior. I also highly recommend getting a caregiver to relieve you part of the time. You can get people to live-in for small salary and room and board, just so you can go out and be alone for a while to recharge your batteries. This is much too much for you to continue handling alone.

Answer 9

the main question is, Do you love him?
because if you love him, no matter what, you can learn to deal with it. your emotions would mean the world to your husband, but it is not his fault he has the disability. just remember why you said yes to his proposal (or why you proposed to him, either way). remember why you love him for who he is.
marriage counseling was a good idea, and honestly, do not rely on answers on Yahoo answers. they are not always reliable.
i am just telling you this because i hope it helps, as i know most of the other people do also. but some people like to mess around, and most of the time, you can't tell.
If you want professional advice, and if you read Reader's Digest, e-mail Mrs. Jeanne Marie Laskas. her email is [e-mail].
over all, i hope you and your family work this out.
best of luck!

Answer 10

Friends help